Tuesday, 19 February 2013

35 weeks

I am 35 weeks! I am massive and a good night sleep is a thing of mystery to me. Not only does the baby tend to wake me up whenever it wants to. Two nights ago it decided to kick my right ribs in such a strong way that I actually shook up and woke up. Then it wiggled within doing some sort of dance routine. Its moonwalks over my ribs are usually amusing but this one was mean, really mean.

Than here comes my husband. He had a cold over Christmas and he couldn't shake it off. He got antibiotics after almost a month of coughing, nose blowing and snoring. Then the antibiotics killed his helpful bacteria in the gut and he got some digestion issues, felt tired and weak. It was actually my fault because I didn't make sure he eats probiotics with his antibiotics. Who would expect a man to think about that? He got over it. During this time he is able to work, traveled to a conference in Malta and managed to enjoy a weekend at the bachelors for his friend. For all these events he manages to be fine and active. Than he comes home, refuses to accompany me to swimming even though I am super conscious of the way I look (and the fact that I only fit into bikini) because he is feeling sick or weak or both, he snores at night and complains during the day. He was fine for a while but now his cough is back and aren't his eyes red? Is he getting an infection? What do I think?

So when the baby allows me to rest I am woken up by him or by wondering if there is something serious going on, if he is having some bad illness, if he will even meet his baby he wanted so much... Seriously, the thoughts that come to your head at about 3.30 am are crap. Your normal reasonable mind is not active, the speculative bad worrying mind takes over. It is dark, quiet, you are trying to sleep while the man next to you huffs and puffs and the brain decides to speculate. Annoying!

I am trying my best to keep up. During the day I usually come to a conclusion that husband will survive. I secretly think that he is feeling left out with all the attention on me and my pregnancy (although it is OUR pregnancy, I don't mind to share, really) and his symptoms are more or less of mental nature. I do not think he is succumbing to some rare illness I think he needs more attention. I am trying my best to be nice to him and be as helpful around the house as I can, but aware that if I do too much he will assume pregnancy is swimmingly easy and won't make much effort. As always it is up to the woman to keep the balance and make him believe he is the controller. Sounds mean but it is true.

If I am active I feel better (my yoga teacher recommended as much activity as possible and she was right), plus I hope I will be tired and therefore sleep better. It helps to go to bed early and catch some extra sleep in the hours I would usually watch TV or a movie. I am probably in training for sleepless nights in the future.

I am not writing much, somehow there is so much to do! First of all there was an urge to clean, then I started washing and sorting all baby clothes and stuff we were given so far and I also had a sudden urge to source all the rest. I am getting ready. I have to get ready. Nothing interests me more than be ready for the big arrival of a little being who needs all of this stuff. I found great pram car seat combination on gumtree for a fraction of its original price. We are being given a cot. I spent half day researching reusable nappies. It is a science. Which type to go for? How do I know what will work? I chose a compromise - terry nappies. They cost less and I grew up with them, so did husband. We can not actually remember it but we did survive and our mothers did, too. So they can not be that bad. Now, as soon as there is space on the laundry line, I have to start washing the nappies and practice the folding. Laundry lines are full of baby's bedding and towels and wash clothes, we were flying through Boots and Ikea on Saturday morning with a long list in the hand, trying to stay ahead of the usual Saturday crowds (what is it with people actually wanting to spend their weekend in a shopping centers?). We have got everything we assume we need including Paracetamol (for the beginning of labour) and changing mat and... Well since probably only people in similar situation to mine are reading so far you have got pretty good idea what we have, but I must say I am proud of our organization skills.

The idea that I will be a full time writer during those last weeks was a little bit naive. But I did manage to catch up with what I have written so far - half of the novel is done and I can carry on, memory fresh, new ideas in my head. It helped to look back although it isn't recommended to revise unfinished novels but I needed to catch up and refresh my memory, that's all. It helped, I am very inspired. I hope I will get better once my nesting instinct is satisfied at least for a while.... Tomorrow.....

Thursday, 7 February 2013


Husband is getting ecstatic because he will spend a weekend with his friends playing golf and having some bloke time. It is a bachelor weekend for one of the guys, but it will be a civilized one, or so I am told. It is so obvious he is very much looking forward getting away from the pregnancy books, baby clothes drying on the line, birth plan and bump watch and I can not blame him.
And I? Well I am very much looking forward to having the house to myself, to sleeping alone in our big bed stretched from one corner to another, to do whatever I want to do, to eat whenever I want to without worrying if I should prepare the same or something else for him (we have dinners together but during the day is very much whatever suits our schedule). I love my me time, my alone time.
My husband always worried about it. He is very sociable and his friends are as important as close family. He loves to spend time with other people, he makes friends easily, chats without long pauses. Sometimes I suggest an activity I would like us to do and his first reaction is to think who could join us, although I meant just the two of us doing the thing.
The fact that I don't really have so strong friendship or keep in touch with people I met is difficult to understand to him. But I think he finally gets that it is the way it is. Unlike him I didn't go to university where his strongest friendships were established. I traveled a lot and my jobs and circumstances changed quite a few times so I didn't really keep in touch with people from school or kids I grew up with.
During the years I bonded with people and had nice friendships but as soon as I moved away it drifted away. I do exchange occasional emails and Christmas cards with few people but I do lack the need to do more. When I finally meet with some of those who were very close to me I find one thing difficult: instead of wanting to know what I am up to NOW (which is what interests me about them very much) they seem almost unhappy I am no longer the person they remember. When I met my old friend from Austria last year, all she wanted was to chat about my ex because she still didn't put her head around the fact that I left him, moved on, started to live with husband and got married. My ex is so faraway from my life and I didn't understand why do we need to spend the one afternoon we have talking about him when there is so much going on in my REAL life.
This meeting helped me to build up my theory that however strong and nice friendships I did have, they lost their validity and point the moment I moved on. I don't mind my friends moving on but I expect them to accept that I do, too.
I don't have the need to chat to people all the time, every day, make endless phone calls, have weekly coffees. The fact is that I like to spend time alone, I am looking forward to it, a trip to town isn't an excuse to arrange a meeting.
I like to enjoy the time I have. Share some experiences, cook a nice meal and invite friends around, have a quality time we can remember is more valuable to me than weekly natter over the same topics. Same goes with communication. I am not very fond of skype and I find it very disturbing being called up when I am in a middle of something. Computer is mainly a working tool for me and since I write from home, it may seem like I'm constantly available. Lots of my friends don't do letters and I love nothing more than putting thoughts to paper. At the moment even emails are too much of a fuss for them. I should be on the social sites more and I did join facebook and twitter, but somehow it isn't helping much. I don't have the will to check for updates zillions times a day, I have better things to do (including daydreaming). I simply can not get in touch with the idea of instant availability which is supposed to improve our lives, of the need to be in the moment, share every stupid detail now and here in order to be a valid person.
In the past I did feel strange thanks to my very sociable husband. I hoped I will make more effort and change for the better with him but the truth is I learned that I am who I am and it is fine. I am a loner.

Now I am bombarded from left right and center that I will need bags of friends to get through the early motherhood. Isolation is apparently a trigger of depression. Will I be more isolated than I already am? The thought of a baby depending on me 24/7 sends sometimes waves of panic through my head. In less than two months I will have no me time at all. I was told that I will make friends easily, mums love to hang together, no one else understands them. I see some people/friends are already loosing interest in me thanks to my pregnancy. They are at a different stage in their lives, I get it but I may enjoy their company more than one of fellow mums. I would love not to loose touch with the world around and talk about other things than babies and sore nipples.
I was also told that most new friendships will be build during my pregnancy, from ante-natal classes and so forth. Well, I had very high expectations from the first class we attended but I must say all couples stuck together, there were polite smiles and short conversation but I didn't notice people keen on making lasting connections. Maybe it's because we are all with our partners, I thought. On week two husband was away for a business trip so I headed for the class alone, ready to use it to my advantage. When I was seen alone nobody even joined my table as if I was a bad bad person - and those people did see me with a partner a week ago, they knew I wasn't a lost single mother cause. Our last class was cancelled due to snow so I am still friendless and still fine with it.
It is just the way it is. I like to accept people the way they are and I would love to be accepted the same way. I am friendly and polite but not clingy or very chatty. I am fine by my own. So what?

On that note, I will have my last private yoga class next week. My teacher will start her maternity leave and I really hope we will be able to hang out to practice together once we have the babies. There is a friendship I would love to keep - or develop. I know she is providing a service but the chats we have and the atmosphere of our sessions is such that I see it as more than going to a hairdresser or for a facial, more than a service which I pay for. So clearly I do like company of people, I am not a complete loner venting on my computer far faraway from any living soul.. Am I perhaps too picky?