Recovery

 My shoulder is slowly but surely making progress. It was frozen and had an impingement, too. Last year, I couldn't lift my arm. Now I struggle to put it behind me and up, the sort of movement you do when you fasten your bra. But I am so used to a much less elegant way of putting it on by now, and it is no longer painful. I've adapted. Last year, everything was painful...

I have a practise log in my yoga corner and a year ago, pain in shoulders was already noted quite a few times. It is a long term issue. In the log, some sets are noted by names I gave them, and they were missing for a long time. It is funny, how one problematic part influences the whole body. Even now, getting better, turning my neck isn't the same as it was before. The affected side is different. Because when one part of the body is injured, other parts compensate for it and become affected, too. And each limb is important in the whole range of motions we need in our life.

I welcome the fact that I can do some things again. Other things are a work in progress. This month, I am working with the triangle pose - Trikonasana. Not long ago, it was too difficult to even try, I felt pathetic. These days, it isn't perfect, but there is a way to it and it allows me to stretch in a weird and comfortable way. A posture that essentially comes from the hip shows how the body is connected and how the stretch and breath flows everywhere. I can see how far I can stretch, how I can position myself, what I am allowed to do safely. I can mourn the old me - effortless and flexible. But I enjoy the new me, injured and recovering, because I am getting to know me better. Some days, I notice a progress. Other days, I feel as if the stiff arm is pulling me back.

Injury is never easy and straightforward. But healing is a good process to bring new motivation, appreciation and perspective. I don't follow the physio routine that took me through the worst months very much, I am now confident in doing what I know I can do and finding the way that yoga helps and works. I wouldn't recommend it to a beginner, but a seasoned practitioner surely understands how satisfying it is to adapt something they've missed for so long and use it to feel better. I don't know when I will be fully recovered, but that's OK. As long as I don't hurt and see improvement, I don't mind.

I also try to build up strength. I had to take it easy during the injury. I did simple, gentle practise and the physio. When I started trying flowing practise such as Sun Salutations, I noticed how unused I've become to holding my own weight. These days, I can again hold a plank position without a problem. Same with Downer Dog. It was impossible last year. I've built it up over the winter months, step by step. But a shoulderstand or a headstand are still on my wish list. This side of movement - behind me or over the head - is still a work in progress. I do miss that, and the time will come that I will enjoy them again. Yoga has so much to offer in any circumstances life throws at us, it will never stop to amaze me. Namaste.

A Woman's Week

 Happy Mothers' Day. I decided to wake up and make my own breakfast. Reason one: I love a little bit of peace and quiet in the morning. Reason two: I did try to do the big 'treat me today' thing and demanded a breakfast brought in by dear family in the past, but it isn't worth it. If I have to ask for it, wait for it, and receive something that I could have done better, what is the point? If husband really wanted to spoil me, he would have made the effort. But he can't be arsed, obviously. And dear child is snotty after first week in school. So, yes, have a snooze and leave me alone.

The week started with International Women's Day and ended with mothering Sunday. And during the week we had the Meghan interview, the statistics about how women did more unpaid family work during the pandemics and lockdown, and, mostly, the sad case of Sarah Everard. To wake up on this very day and see women being handcuffed on the news is just not right. And yes, we shouldn't gather during the pandemic. But I didn't see the same strong action when (mostly) men celebrated some football title or game or something more than once.

How to get it right? I could elaborate on every single issue this week, because they all resonate and I have something to say about them. But I don't have the energy today. Last few days on Twitter, I've only read post after post of: this or that thing happened to me, and said silently: yes, me too. I saw the men reactions (not all men, more men are killed, etc) and heard their echo in my home. When these issues pop, the inevitable discussion by the dinner table is frustrating.

I've taken things for granted for so long, it is nice to see that women and girls now say: no, it isn't right. I was always told not to talk to strangers, never to go into anybody's car no matter what they say, to be careful, to try and not walk alone after dark... And I've never questioned it. When I was younger, I would never have thought to say: why don't you educate men better? Not because we blindly assumed that all men are horrible. But because we assumed that it is indeed our responsibility to prevent ourselves from meeting the bad ones. The good men were meant to be respected, not questioned, and educated. It was our business to exist in their world, basically. So yes, let's change things. Girls and women still need to be careful, same as we look before we cross a road. But I hope that we will get rid of this stupid assumption that when something bad does happen it is because we were out late, skimpily dressed and possibly drunk. That the victim is always judged first. If the victim is a woman, of course.

When I grew up and gradually learnt that happy ever after is an illusion, I've discovered a thing nobody wants to agree with: being single is great. Having a boyfriend and not living with him is even better. Freedom is good. We aren't meant to think it or say it out loud. It makes us seem weird, antisocial and antipatriarchal crazy feminists. But. There is a thin line where everything I did in one way proved me right in a sense that independence is great and women deserve it. In the other way, it made life too easy for men. Because I was so wrapped up in my independence project, but I also still somehow believed that men are important and it is my job to make them happy and respect them. So by giving them what they wanted, which is at the end of the day sex with minimum strings attached, and proudly demanding nothing in return, I was  enabling them living an easy life, using me.

Then I've met a man I cared about. And he loved me. And he was also an workaholic and my independence suited him. But I also hoped that the time came to have more and live in a serious relationship. I hoped that he will be the one I will figure out the together thing with. He made the right noises, mentioned future, even kids. The problem was that I listened. And then announced to him that I quit the pill. He was beside himself. Why would I do that? Well, how else do you make babies? Yes, he did mention children, but he meant sometimes in the future, not now. But why not now? I thought about it and realized that the right time will be never. So why not just go for it and figure it out as we go? He didn't end it, but became very careful in bed. I learnt to exist without a pill, went through a stage of absolutely horrible skin, recovered, and figured out what a real menstrual cycle feels like. I liked it and decided not to take the pill again. Then I left the man I loved because I finally, after all these years, understood that men will say whatever to get what they want, but if they really want to do something, they generally tend to do it without talking about it at length.

I could have probably stayed with the lover for a little longer and just exist, but I was over him and over it. And I have met a man who actually wanted to live with his partner and do the everyday stuff that I never figured out how to do. He is now my husband. And the together stuff is great in the beginning, but eventually you catch up and close the circle. And find out that the super sensitive and nice bloke who helps with the dishes and does the heavy lifting and catches the spiders also doesn't really listen to you, also puts his interests first, and also has flaws. But by now, as a woman, I am over it. I accept the way things are and the last solution I would try would be looking for somewhere where the grass is greener. Because it isn't. I wish I was rich enough to afford to live on my own, but I can't, and to be honest, I work hard on this home and want to keep it. And I can do things that I love doing, even if they don't make money, and it means a lot to me, that husbands is fine with a housewife with potentially lucrative hobbies that aren't lucrative. Because he is taken care off and I don't demand much of his time or attention. So everybody wins.

Where do I end? This post took me somewhere completely else than I thought it would. As a woman, I had to learn a lot to navigate the world. And I am still learning. Most of what the older generations passed on to me was useless. I hope I will pass on better things. I won't tell my daughter that certain behaviour or look will deter men. I also won't tell her that she has to be worthy of a man - somehow good enough to deserve him. I will never imply that a marriage and a family are the biggest measures of success. I will however point out the power of independence. And the right to say no to something that doesn't feel right. Even if it makes her unpopular. Because it is not her job to please everyone. I would love to tell her that we are all equal. But we are not.

About Sleeping

 What happens with sleep as life goes on? I've always found sleep important, even when I was young and restless. While in nursing school and knowing that I would do shifts, my thoughts often went to sleep. Will I catch up on it? Will the day sleep be enough? Will it ruin my health?

I've worked as a nurse and did shifts only for a few years, but it proved to be easy. I've slept great. Then life changed, I started to travel, experienced jet lag, and sleep was again on top of my list. I knew that I need to catch up in order to function, and I did. I lived at night for some years, slept in the day, it was easier than the ever changing shifts in the hospital, once I achieved a regular rhythm I was fine. In all these years, sleep wasn't an issue. Apart from planes, I could sleep anywhere. In strange beds, new bedrooms, alone, in dormitories, in tents, under the sky in nature... I would sleep easily. When tired, I would sleep twelve hours, no problem. When very tired, I would wake up refreshed in the same position I fell asleep in. These were the good years.

Slowly, lying on my front became uncomfortable and my neck would protest. Then I was pregnant and sleeping on my front was out of question anyway. I never went back to that position. With years added to my age, pillows appeared. If I didn't support my hips, I wouldn't feel comfortable on my side. Hugging a long, stuffed crocodile also helps for some unknown reason... I would say every decade brings extra pillow and more restrictions. Camping is no longer an easy adventure. I want a big tent where I can stand, big sleeping bag and the extra pillows. No more sleeping in a mummy style bag with a rolled up tracksuit top as a pillow... Otherwise I am not a happy camper!

But it isn't just physical. From the easy nodding off to dreaming a waking up, I slowly transitioned to waking up every time I turn, or waking up randomly just because, or being disturbed by either or all: husband, child, dog, wind and rain, random noise.. And my favourite: 2 am or 3 am thoughts. Sometimes you realize you are awake, but your brain is already working by the time it fully occurs. And the thoughts that come usually start with something bad, difficult, or just an idea. At the small hours, the brain is very prone to offering only bad or very bad scenarios and possibilities. While I can function very well in the every day reality and accept that many things are out of my control, when the same thoughts come in the random early waking up hours, my brain plays with them and offers catastrophe after catastrophe. And how am I supposed to go to sleep?

The quality of sleep changes with age, no matter what I do. I am wiser, practise more meditation and breathing exercises, I am rational, but sleep, the good sleep I remember, eludes me. Sometimes I think it is gone forever. I am coping. I keep up with the routine, have a dark room, avoid alcohol, caffeine, heavy food in the evening and afternoon, I do the right things. I've found things that work. I listen to a radio, podcast or an audio book before sleep or when I wake up during the night. I practise yoga nidra in the evening. I have an orthopaedic pillow. I am trying. But I miss the easy, full, rejuvenating sleep. I see my child sleeping like a log, nothing can wake her, even talking and noise. There were times when I was like that....

Half Term Bliss

 The last time I was looking forward to a school holiday was probably while I still was at school. It's nice not having to print out school work, sit with dear child, log on for school meetings and run the house around the school day.

I am ruled by the sourdough starter and the weather once again. I managed few gardening sessions, mainly heavy clearance and some planning. It will depend on my co - gardener / dear husband, so, wish me luck. He is good at nodding and saying: 'Yes, sound good,' and not so good at doing.

Will I win the war against slugs with a home-made garlic spray this year? That remains to be seen.

Editing is easy, too, it fits into my days now! And I have a free computer. Clever me, I never let dear child to bookmark favourite games on mine, husband is getting all the nagging at the moment.

I hope to finish first edit by the weekend, I've managed more than I've planned to do. I will take a break next week, go back to the school schedule and in the spare time, I will try to figure out Goodreads and social sites and, hopefully, talk to people. I am considering joining the 21st century and getting a smartphone. I didn't want to go down that rode, but an indie writer has to communicate...

The weather is getting worse, which means more screen time, less gardening time. And no family walks. Only family yoga, which is great fun.

Spring is in the air. Snowdrops are out, crocuses are catching up and the Canadian Geese are back. Everything seems more alive.

My review of Six Four by Hideo Yokoyama on Goodreads

 <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/29875918-six-four" style="float: left; padding-right: 20px"><img border="0" alt="Six Four" src="https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1468809081l/29875918._SX98_.jpg" /></a><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/29875918-six-four">Six Four</a> by <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/5529932.Hideo_Yokoyama">Hideo Yokoyama</a><br/>

My rating: <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3786836868">5 of 5 stars</a><br /><br />

This was my Christmas present, something I may have overlooked in the shop myself. Glad that this story came my way. For a while, I was a little confused by the fact that most of the book happens in the corridors of the police HQ in one Japanese city. There is a lot about the way the police works, about the hierarchy and culture, so specific to Japan. It was interesting to learn. But I did think: when will he get out and when will it start happening? It isn't your typical crime fiction, with a lonely but strong detective who solves a crime. This is something else. But it sucks you in. You want to know more, you keep reading. I stopped waiting for the action and enjoyed the ride, all the details. Sometimes, I have felt a little lost, but it didn't take long to remember who is who and what their role is. The story slowly moves on towards a surprising end, it is very interesting. There isn't a clear closure, a line under the story. There is knowing about what had happened a long time ago, but when we leave the story, we don't know how it really ended. But what was the story about, too, were relationships. And even though the main character, whom I really liked and rooted for, doesn't get his own personal closure, he reaches acceptance and understanding. And he is in a better place in the end. It was a special story, I won't forget it.

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<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/review/list/121125321-lucinda">View all my reviews</a>

OK, this is how it came out when prompted by Goodreads. I just wanted to try it out. Being very unwise on the technicalities, feel free to let me know how to make it better. Otherwise, let's meet on Goodreads..

A New Beginning

 I woke up yesterday feeling like drawing a full circle, starting a new one. It was the day of the New Moon. And it was the day of my birthday. A little ahead of the Moon, sometimes around the middle of the day (mother was quite sedated, can't bring the exact time to her memory, could I stop fussing about it? - sorry mum, just wondered about a horoscope...), I will be a year older.

Doesn't bother me, truly, life is a movement forward and I see it more as going in circles than in a slowly and inevitably declining line.

Year ago, the pandemic was hanging over us. It was obvious that it was coming for us (to most, not to certain PM). I was living the normal life - taking child to swim, library, or gymnastics after school. I remember that I had a cold sore (much less of it in the lockdown, even though it is winter) and my shoulders were stiff and sore. I badly needed a good massage. But I was afraid to go for one. Firstly, I struggled to find a good person who gets it just right (ever since my favourite massage therapist moved away, I only find beauticians who try their best, but don't really do a proper massage, or slightly sadist Thai ladies). Secondly, I was already worried about the virus and a close contact with a stranger who meets many people every day seemed risky. We celebrated my special day a little later, with a trip to Chester Zoo. It was mainly outside, easy to keep a distance, but still, the virus was on our mind.

Everything gradually changed. The lockdown started, the virus reached us, we lived differently, and, as I have already mentioned in another post, I liked my new lifestyle. I still do. The year rolled, we stayed healthy and together. My stiff shoulders turned into a problem on the left side and I discovered it was badly frozen and I had a impingement. I paid an online physio assessment, started with exercises, went for few treatments in person when it became possible. It bothered me a lot. I couldn't move, practise yoga the way I used to - without thinking and with ease, everything was an issue. Taking a bra off, changing curtains, lifting things, driving... Sleeping. Sleeping was hard. There was no position that felt good, every turn woke me up. With physio, balm, orthopaedic pillow and patience, I was slowly working through it. People talked and cared about the virus, my shoulder and mobility were my own little hell. Everything else was manageable.

I stopped walking the dog, taking her on the leash became impossible, and I couldn't risk her running off towards some other dogs, deer, squirrels, sheep, or people. When the world briefly opened up in the summer, I didn't feel that I could manage camping. How can I sleep in a tent when I can't figure it out in a bed with all the support I can find? I felt like a kill joy, husband wasn't amused, but what was I to do? Besides, our old budgie became unwell in the summer and I couldn't just leave him with the neighbours like we usually did when we travelled. It felt like I was doing it on purpose. Enjoying the lockdown, wanting to isolate myself even more. Who knows. It was hard. But every little improvement I could feel in the shoulder, every night I didn't wake up between 2 and 4 a.m., felt like a step forward and I repeated to myself that I matter, too. Doing everything for others and for the family is good, but I have to be well.

I did get better. My shoulder isn't there yet, but it is better, I can lift my arm, do more of yoga practise, there is progress. The budgie didn't make it, but he is at peace. We gave him quiet space and time. Getting a vet appointment was a mission, not many care for birds and everything, even an appointment for an assessment, took longer that year. We did finally secure a date, but when I saw the state he was in, I have decided to cancel the trip and leave him to it. I couldn't allow him to die of stress in transport or in stranger's hands. Our budgies aren't tame, they like their distance.

This year, I am an old hand at the lockdown, the uncertainty is gone. I knew we will not be celebrating. That's OK. I did the little things: played games with dear child, painted my nails blue, had a face mask and a nice relaxation while letting it soak in, finished the book I was reading, made chocolate truffles - it was a school project for dear child and a great way to make something special to celebrate. I don't need to go out, have a party, I am fine (slightly relieved I don't have to, to be honest). I managed to do what needed to be done and made time for a webinar on Amazon with a lovely self published writer. It was inspiring. The circle is closing behind a challenging time. Challenging in a different way than how it was for others, for most of the world. I feel better. Starting the new chapter at the New Moon (and almost at the New Year) feels like a message, turning the page, moving on, going in the right direction. All is well.

The Long Month of January

 January is a long month, isn't it? It begins all new, fresh, enthusiastic, exciting... Then you notice it is still winter. But the days are getting longer. And you start to hear the birds singing in the morning. But it is winter nevertheless. You finish all the good food and treats left over after Christmas. You maybe even try to drink less alcohol, or none at all. You may even exercise, eat differently, try to read that difficult book, learn a new skill. Anything. Because it is a new beginning, a better one.

This year, lockdown is added for a good measure. The lockdown in November didn't feel proper, the schools were open. This one is the real deal. This week was the first week that home schooling felt like a struggle. Waking up is harder, I sleep a little longer. We have a good routine, it helps, but it also makes time funny - with routine it goes faster, yet at the same time it seems to stand still. Depends on what subject we are doing. A month of explaining the logic of counting and timetables is taking its toll.... Last two weeks, I saw progress. This week I see stagnation. The child is the same, what is wrong, then?

This lockdown is like a hibernation. With the bad weather and short days, it takes lots of effort to get out of the house. I've made a point of picking up reading books on Mondays and dropping them off on Fridays. It is child's job (and mine, of course)! Even in bad weather, two walks are guaranteed.

We were lucky last weekend, there was snow and we went sledging, the whole family together. We were the first ones on the hill behind our house, the dog was running up and down with us, it was great fun. After more families arrived, I had to watch the dog and keep her with me. Sitting low on a sledge and seeing a big dog running right at you can be intimidating when you are a small child and don't know the dog... We also managed to go out and sledge one last time on Monday after school, great motivation to get things done! But the rain came back and now we are back to mud and grey skies...

January will end on Sunday, lockdown will continue. I don't mind, I only wonder why came the change in my mood. I go to bed early, try to sleep well, eat well, exercise, but the easy going rhythm from after Christmas is gone, and everything seems harder. Maybe it's the schooling. It is work, not fun. I try to make it fun, but that makes it more work... Maybe it's the hill of marketing and introducing my book to the world, it seems to get higher and higher each day... Maybe. Whatever it is, we are still lucky. We are healthy, we manage, we can do it. Even in the longest month that came after the longest year. And who knows what will happen the next week. As long as we are healthy, we are winning. Good luck to you all.