OK, I am still pregnant. After all of my preparation, after I finished a book and printed it out and put it away so I can do revision once the baby lets me, after all of my beautifully calm and healthy and uncomplicated pregnancy, I am living in a limbo.
Last week I posted a blog about a midwife who met me for the first time a day after my due date and completely freaked me out. And I hoped I will overcome this and the baby will come. First babies are apparently a week late, it's normal. Well, today it is the beginning of week 41 and all I can say is that in the past week I may have felt few cramps which may be a 'practice' contractions, or wind, or they may be completely made up by my mind always watching out for THE SIGN.
During the week I ate four pineapples, drank 5 liters of raspberry tea, ate chilli in everything apart my porridge in the morning, did yoga, meditation, affirmations, pep talks to the bump, pressed all the right points on my feet and legs, had long walks every single day. I wouldn't mind for the baby taking its time, clearly it is happy inside me, the only problem is the deadline given to me by the midwife last week. The thing is: my body is coping very well, my pregnancy was (is) a blast, so why would suddenly everything stop and the baby would be left in me beyond the time it needs with an old aging tired placenta which, as I was told, can not support it anymore?
Now, at the very end, I started to search on forums and panels (I thought I will do lots of this during my pregnancy, but actually didn't feel the need to until now), looking for people like me and I see lots of women who are scared and worried. I am not, my mind is clear and positive, I am ready, I don't care that it will hurt. I just want the labour to start naturally on its own, same way as my pregnancy started. Instead of being told that I NEED to be induced I want somebody to explain how could such a natural process suddenly stop progressing. Are all the induced women just talked into the induction by health professionals who like everything by the book or because they just can not bare being pregnant anymore? Of course this isn't about me only, the main concern is will I harm my baby if I refuse induction?
My mother was one month overdue with my older sister. She told me that in the times before ultrasound the due date was less accurate. My friend has an eighteen years old daughter, she was overdue, too, but at the time it wasn't such an issue, they simply let her wait (and she didn't mind because she got pregnant in the final year of high school and at her age exams were more of a worry - I believe that is the price we 'mature' mothers pay, we worry more).
I know I have got a right to refuse induction. I just don't want to harm my baby and I am trying to rely on my instincts, but everything is getting mixed up in my head.
Husband is becoming impatient. After getting all supportive last week and spending his four days off on my walks and pineapple mission he wants to see results. He is hissing at my stomach: 'Get out!' every time he passes me. Baby's hiccups and movements don't interest him anymore. To massage me is a chore. Reflexology is a witchcraft. For some strange reason he doesn't even want to have sex with me. This morning he disappeared in the study making it clear that he isn't interested in accompanying me on yet another walk. He told me the baby is coming, we are seeing our midwife tomorrow if not, and we will take it from there. Well nobody will stick two fingers up his cervix tomorrow so of course he is relaxed. His support has got its limits, he wants to see results for it and as usually he can not really get why am I emotional and irritated. I wish he could always say and do the right thing but I don't know myself what it is. And he is the closest person right now so he will get my frustrations channeled on him. Unfair, I know.
I feel like I am left alone in the whole world, pregnant forever. Time is running at a very different pace, too slow at one hand, too fast at the other. Too slow considering how long it takes for the labour to start, too fast considering the midwife visit and the decisions I will have to make. I felt in harmony with my body and with the baby, now I feel like I am either not doing enough or the connection is lost. I feel like having a strike today, but at least I ate a whole pineapple, so I can tick that off and wait and relax a little bit more.....
Tuesday, 2 April 2013
Thursday, 28 March 2013
Today I finished my book
I am two days over due. While everybody says that hardly any baby arrives on the due date and first babies are generally late, suddenly I keep getting annoyed. Since before my due date husband kept asking: 'Do you feel anything? Any contractions? Anything different?' And he would ask me like that every couple of hours. As if in the case that I did go into labour I would just keep quiet and waited for him to ask.
The day after my due date - yesterday, was the day of my ante-natal appointment. My midwife is on holiday, so we had to go to a drop in at a near by children's center. The waiting area was full and husband didn't get any better idea than announce that we are over due. A day, people, a day over due! Yest there were all the sorry looks and suggestions of a long walks....
The midwife didn't know me and we both realized how blessed we were so far to see the same midwife throughout my pregnancy so far and a lovely one on top of that. This new one did hardly check the baby but kept telling me about the thing they will do to me (or should I say to my cervix) in a week time if I don't go into labour and about getting my induction date. As if I was awfully late. And I should take long walks, eat pineapple and have sex - all of it a lot. I felt like a complete failure, like if I should have had already delivered or do something about it. I left feeling rubbish and the only good thing was that husband didn't really click with this new midwife, too, she may just have been in a strange mood or annoyed because the clinic was busy and she was there overtime, but our day was ruined.
My pregnancy so far was great. Everything was well, now I only need my baby to arrive. By itself. I want to avoid induction or any funny business around my cervix, I believe that it will happen. Since about the end of 38th week I keep observing myself, unsure of what to expect. But I thought that the real stress starts only by the end of 41st week, which is still faraway?
To add more to my mood my family and our friends keep asking: any news? Again, as if we wouldn't tell them. Luckily my husband finally realized that him asking me won't do any good to my mood and knows that I will tell him as soon as the magic contractions arrive. For the rest of the world, I wish I could move away into a cave and quietly wait.
But I am proud to announce that after weeks of hard work (some days of doing nothing, some days of hard writing) I finished my novel. All 32 chapters, all 88 493 words. I wrote last two chapters early in the morning after a bad sleep (dreaming about getting ready for my cervix to be poked and explaining to my husband that I really don't feel very sexual these days - I want stuff to come out of me, not to get in!). So I am done. I was afraid I will not finish it before giving birth, that I will loose the flow, as I know how difficult it is to catch up after a long break, but I did manage at the end. And now I feel completely ready for the baby to arrive, no unfinished business here.
I finished my book, went out for a long walk, came back home, made a pot of raspberry leaf tea, printed out the novel so it is ready for revision and now I can write a very satisfying blog post about a finished project. All I need to focus on is to get the baby out of me. I am ready, husband is ready and eager (well it's not him doing the labour, is it), our home is ready. I have all the time and energy for walks, pineapples, curries, and positive affirmations. Come, my precious, come....
The day after my due date - yesterday, was the day of my ante-natal appointment. My midwife is on holiday, so we had to go to a drop in at a near by children's center. The waiting area was full and husband didn't get any better idea than announce that we are over due. A day, people, a day over due! Yest there were all the sorry looks and suggestions of a long walks....
The midwife didn't know me and we both realized how blessed we were so far to see the same midwife throughout my pregnancy so far and a lovely one on top of that. This new one did hardly check the baby but kept telling me about the thing they will do to me (or should I say to my cervix) in a week time if I don't go into labour and about getting my induction date. As if I was awfully late. And I should take long walks, eat pineapple and have sex - all of it a lot. I felt like a complete failure, like if I should have had already delivered or do something about it. I left feeling rubbish and the only good thing was that husband didn't really click with this new midwife, too, she may just have been in a strange mood or annoyed because the clinic was busy and she was there overtime, but our day was ruined.
My pregnancy so far was great. Everything was well, now I only need my baby to arrive. By itself. I want to avoid induction or any funny business around my cervix, I believe that it will happen. Since about the end of 38th week I keep observing myself, unsure of what to expect. But I thought that the real stress starts only by the end of 41st week, which is still faraway?
To add more to my mood my family and our friends keep asking: any news? Again, as if we wouldn't tell them. Luckily my husband finally realized that him asking me won't do any good to my mood and knows that I will tell him as soon as the magic contractions arrive. For the rest of the world, I wish I could move away into a cave and quietly wait.
But I am proud to announce that after weeks of hard work (some days of doing nothing, some days of hard writing) I finished my novel. All 32 chapters, all 88 493 words. I wrote last two chapters early in the morning after a bad sleep (dreaming about getting ready for my cervix to be poked and explaining to my husband that I really don't feel very sexual these days - I want stuff to come out of me, not to get in!). So I am done. I was afraid I will not finish it before giving birth, that I will loose the flow, as I know how difficult it is to catch up after a long break, but I did manage at the end. And now I feel completely ready for the baby to arrive, no unfinished business here.
I finished my book, went out for a long walk, came back home, made a pot of raspberry leaf tea, printed out the novel so it is ready for revision and now I can write a very satisfying blog post about a finished project. All I need to focus on is to get the baby out of me. I am ready, husband is ready and eager (well it's not him doing the labour, is it), our home is ready. I have all the time and energy for walks, pineapples, curries, and positive affirmations. Come, my precious, come....
Wednesday, 20 March 2013
Week 39
Week 39 is fun. Last week my husband was panicking because our friends decided that we are not ready enough and have no idea what is expecting us. Besides that, everybody had a need to give him all the horror stories possible. So he kept coming home wondering if we should try to get my non-traveling family to come over, if he will know what to do with me, if I will cope. How will he know how far my labour progressed? Will he be checking it? (NO NO NO). What if the baby needs some help? What if the umbilical cord is around its neck?
My midwife - as I am lucky to see the same one every time I go for my check, will be on holiday next week and he took it as a personal insult. Somehow, in his head, he assumed that she will be holding my hand through all of my labour. How did he even think it is beyond me, the fact that she has got the clinic in my GP surgery doesn't mean she will be around while I am giving birth, does it? I never thought so, but here we go, he was really upset about it and I am glad he wasn't able to come to the last appointment with me.
I really like my midwife and thanks to that I have an absolute trust in all of her team and whoever will be assisting me during the birth of my child. But ultimately, it is my job to birth the child, so I have an absolute trust in me and my baby. We will make it.
It doesn't matter that I don't have a family which will come over or many friends. I prepared very well, I am calm. If people assume that my calmness is due to ignorance they should first find out how ready I am (and how ready I helped my wonderful husband to get!) before unnerving my birth partner. What are friends for again?
But over the last weekend I was panicking myself. We were practicing how to put together the pram, how to put the car seat in and I couldn't get it at first. I started panicking that I will be horrible mother once the baby is here! I am very fine about my pregnancy and about the labour but now I have to start to look further and it is indeed scary.
What am I supposed to do with the baby? How do I bring it up? Looking back, I have a feeling I brought myself up, I remember being quite reasonable as a child. But of course I needed my parents a lot. Will I be any good at parenting?
There was a video sent to us by another helpful soul about the four kind of cries. Apparently babies usually need one of the four things so a well tuned parent will recognize by the cry what it is, helps the baby swiftly and never ever ends up with endlessly crying frustrated baby. I didn't hear any big difference between the apparently different cries and when I thought I did I couldn't remember what it was for.
'Can I just leave once the baby is out? It's only fair, I carried it around for a very long time, it's your turn now!'
My husband found it amusing. Where will I go? No idea.
But it was last week. Now all is well in Real household. We decided that our team works well and we will take it forward one step at a time.
I am huge. Baby is engaged and wiggles a lot, I suppose it is annoyed with the lack of space. I am inviting it out: more than enough stretching and kicking space out here! I hope we will have birth on term. I don't want to be induced. And I am tired, I don't sleep well, I am slow. I try to stay active as much as I can as I feel better that way but in the evenings I am finished - as if I was on a trek. I am also afraid to go too faraway by myself. So over the weekend my husband took some walks with me but during the week I am very careful and scared to go for a swim by myself. It is apparently quite normal.
Most of all, I am ready. It is Spring now and I am having a Spring baby. It woke me up at 5.30, all excited about the equinox (probably). So come! Anytime!
My midwife - as I am lucky to see the same one every time I go for my check, will be on holiday next week and he took it as a personal insult. Somehow, in his head, he assumed that she will be holding my hand through all of my labour. How did he even think it is beyond me, the fact that she has got the clinic in my GP surgery doesn't mean she will be around while I am giving birth, does it? I never thought so, but here we go, he was really upset about it and I am glad he wasn't able to come to the last appointment with me.
I really like my midwife and thanks to that I have an absolute trust in all of her team and whoever will be assisting me during the birth of my child. But ultimately, it is my job to birth the child, so I have an absolute trust in me and my baby. We will make it.
It doesn't matter that I don't have a family which will come over or many friends. I prepared very well, I am calm. If people assume that my calmness is due to ignorance they should first find out how ready I am (and how ready I helped my wonderful husband to get!) before unnerving my birth partner. What are friends for again?
But over the last weekend I was panicking myself. We were practicing how to put together the pram, how to put the car seat in and I couldn't get it at first. I started panicking that I will be horrible mother once the baby is here! I am very fine about my pregnancy and about the labour but now I have to start to look further and it is indeed scary.
What am I supposed to do with the baby? How do I bring it up? Looking back, I have a feeling I brought myself up, I remember being quite reasonable as a child. But of course I needed my parents a lot. Will I be any good at parenting?
There was a video sent to us by another helpful soul about the four kind of cries. Apparently babies usually need one of the four things so a well tuned parent will recognize by the cry what it is, helps the baby swiftly and never ever ends up with endlessly crying frustrated baby. I didn't hear any big difference between the apparently different cries and when I thought I did I couldn't remember what it was for.
'Can I just leave once the baby is out? It's only fair, I carried it around for a very long time, it's your turn now!'
My husband found it amusing. Where will I go? No idea.
But it was last week. Now all is well in Real household. We decided that our team works well and we will take it forward one step at a time.
I am huge. Baby is engaged and wiggles a lot, I suppose it is annoyed with the lack of space. I am inviting it out: more than enough stretching and kicking space out here! I hope we will have birth on term. I don't want to be induced. And I am tired, I don't sleep well, I am slow. I try to stay active as much as I can as I feel better that way but in the evenings I am finished - as if I was on a trek. I am also afraid to go too faraway by myself. So over the weekend my husband took some walks with me but during the week I am very careful and scared to go for a swim by myself. It is apparently quite normal.
Most of all, I am ready. It is Spring now and I am having a Spring baby. It woke me up at 5.30, all excited about the equinox (probably). So come! Anytime!
Thursday, 7 March 2013
37 weeks - almost there!!
I am officially ready and my baby is officially ready, too. It is still moving freely within, last week we had our check and it didn't engage yet. I don't think anything changed about it so far. Well, we still have couple of weeks, so the baby can enjoy the cosiness and comfort of my womb and I can... enjoy what? Last weeks of pregnancy are demanding. I still feel good but now I am discovering things like agony with number 2 - hello piles! I am short of breath, tired, slow, unable to sleep comfortably and if people are not sensitive enough I may cry. Yes. But I am happy and proud nevertheless.
I spent a lot of time getting ready and organized and I am trying my best to organize the world around me, mainly husband. He just doesn't understand that our lives will become a chaos very soon and that whatever he can do NOW he really should do.
I am cleaning obsessively because it may be the last proper clean I will be able to do for a while. I am stacking up things, freezing food and agonizing over laundry - will husband run out of socks and shirts? He is unable to think ahead and realize that if he only has got one shirt left he needs to wash, dry and iron some. Same goes with socks and underwear. Once you take the last thing out of the drawer it is too late. How can men not realize such thing? Yet even if he does realize, the control of a washing machine is a mystery to him. It is a machine, he should love it as men do enjoy anything with displays and buttons, yet somehow it stays a big enigma to him.
I am busy preparing baby's things, making sure I have got the newborn stuff ready and somehow it annoys me that I have to think about husband in a way as if he was my first baby - a very needy one.
Yet he is great. He gives me massages and prepares himself to be my birth partner because he is the only person able to do so. I don't have a close enough friend or a family member to ask, he is my closest person. We worked as a team up until now and my pregnancy brought us even closer.
I am now on maternity leave, he is quite busy and we had the chat about his leave. At work they know when we are expecting the baby and once I go into labour he will start his leave. He asked me how long should he take? Does he even need a leave? What?
His argument was he will not be of much use to me in the first days. I will be taking care of the baby most of the time. As a man he sees the birth and the breast feeding as a thing he can not influence too much.
So I tried to explain to him again: he will be shattered, labour will be long and he will be with me. If he manages to stay through without fainting, of course. Then he will want to bond with the baby. I am having a relationship already, I feel it moving in me all the time, there is a strong connection. He feels the movements sometimes and sees my bump, but I don't think he is as much aware of the little person as I am and I think once the baby comes out (and I will get my body back! yes!) he will need his own bonding time and I will be more than happy to see it.
But that is not all. My plan is to rest and I need him to take over the house, take care of the cleaning and cooking and shopping, to make sure we have got everything we need, to communicate with the world as I don't think I will be in a rush to go out or think about the world outside (I will be on baby planet), yet obviously we will need to share the big news.
That is the one thing that worries me, the way how unaware men are about all the little things that need to be done. What I do around the house without thinking I have to ask him to do if I need his help. He will cook but he will not take the cookbook back to its shelf. He will wash the dishes but he will not clean up the kitchen counter at the same time. He will clean the cooker but not the wall behind it splattered with tomato sauce from his cooking.
He will wash the sink but leave the tops of the taps dirty although the stains from water or toothpaste are so clearly visible.
He will clean the toilet seat but not lift it and clean it from the other site.
He will take the bin out but not clean the lid if it is dirty, he just replaces the bag.
He doesn't mind to the weekly shop but he will not think about the meals in advance and prepare the shopping list, check what we need. If he takes out the last toilet roll or tube of toothpaste he will not think about adding these on the list.
And so it goes on....
That is the thing - we see things (mess) differently and approach chores differently. I see what needs to be done, he does a task (the one task he was asked to do). I will spend longer doing things because they need to be done, he will say he didn't notice. How can he not notice? Do men not see mess? Yet he is a germophobe, he washes his hands obsessively and is generally good at helping around, but he doesn't notice dirt on the bin, in the bath or in the toilet.
Husband lived alone for a while so he knows the basics, but when I ask him to do things, he does them in a way as if they were beneath him. I don't expect a man to be crazy for chores, yet why should I be? Cleaning and house work aren't my favorite things to do or a way to make myself proud, I do them because they need to be done. And I like to be organized and take pride in my work, even if it is a mundane thankless chore.
So he now understands that I want to take some time after birth, recover and get used to taking care of our baby and I wish not to worry about domestic chores. His role during his leave will not only be to enjoy his first child but also to take care of us. He understands it and agrees, yet I am freaking out. I don't want to have to keep asking him or reminding him, I just want things done for once! How will it be? Only time will tell, obviously. Nothing will stay the same, that's for sure. But I don't expect husband to finally understand and appreciate all the invisible work that goes on around the house. Whenever he does help I feel obliged to praise him, whatever I do stays unnoticed because same way he doesn't see mess he doesn't notice when things get done. Isn't it a nice thing to be born a man? Hopefully we are having a girl....
I spent a lot of time getting ready and organized and I am trying my best to organize the world around me, mainly husband. He just doesn't understand that our lives will become a chaos very soon and that whatever he can do NOW he really should do.
I am cleaning obsessively because it may be the last proper clean I will be able to do for a while. I am stacking up things, freezing food and agonizing over laundry - will husband run out of socks and shirts? He is unable to think ahead and realize that if he only has got one shirt left he needs to wash, dry and iron some. Same goes with socks and underwear. Once you take the last thing out of the drawer it is too late. How can men not realize such thing? Yet even if he does realize, the control of a washing machine is a mystery to him. It is a machine, he should love it as men do enjoy anything with displays and buttons, yet somehow it stays a big enigma to him.
I am busy preparing baby's things, making sure I have got the newborn stuff ready and somehow it annoys me that I have to think about husband in a way as if he was my first baby - a very needy one.
Yet he is great. He gives me massages and prepares himself to be my birth partner because he is the only person able to do so. I don't have a close enough friend or a family member to ask, he is my closest person. We worked as a team up until now and my pregnancy brought us even closer.
I am now on maternity leave, he is quite busy and we had the chat about his leave. At work they know when we are expecting the baby and once I go into labour he will start his leave. He asked me how long should he take? Does he even need a leave? What?
His argument was he will not be of much use to me in the first days. I will be taking care of the baby most of the time. As a man he sees the birth and the breast feeding as a thing he can not influence too much.
So I tried to explain to him again: he will be shattered, labour will be long and he will be with me. If he manages to stay through without fainting, of course. Then he will want to bond with the baby. I am having a relationship already, I feel it moving in me all the time, there is a strong connection. He feels the movements sometimes and sees my bump, but I don't think he is as much aware of the little person as I am and I think once the baby comes out (and I will get my body back! yes!) he will need his own bonding time and I will be more than happy to see it.
But that is not all. My plan is to rest and I need him to take over the house, take care of the cleaning and cooking and shopping, to make sure we have got everything we need, to communicate with the world as I don't think I will be in a rush to go out or think about the world outside (I will be on baby planet), yet obviously we will need to share the big news.
That is the one thing that worries me, the way how unaware men are about all the little things that need to be done. What I do around the house without thinking I have to ask him to do if I need his help. He will cook but he will not take the cookbook back to its shelf. He will wash the dishes but he will not clean up the kitchen counter at the same time. He will clean the cooker but not the wall behind it splattered with tomato sauce from his cooking.
He will wash the sink but leave the tops of the taps dirty although the stains from water or toothpaste are so clearly visible.
He will clean the toilet seat but not lift it and clean it from the other site.
He will take the bin out but not clean the lid if it is dirty, he just replaces the bag.
He doesn't mind to the weekly shop but he will not think about the meals in advance and prepare the shopping list, check what we need. If he takes out the last toilet roll or tube of toothpaste he will not think about adding these on the list.
And so it goes on....
That is the thing - we see things (mess) differently and approach chores differently. I see what needs to be done, he does a task (the one task he was asked to do). I will spend longer doing things because they need to be done, he will say he didn't notice. How can he not notice? Do men not see mess? Yet he is a germophobe, he washes his hands obsessively and is generally good at helping around, but he doesn't notice dirt on the bin, in the bath or in the toilet.
Husband lived alone for a while so he knows the basics, but when I ask him to do things, he does them in a way as if they were beneath him. I don't expect a man to be crazy for chores, yet why should I be? Cleaning and house work aren't my favorite things to do or a way to make myself proud, I do them because they need to be done. And I like to be organized and take pride in my work, even if it is a mundane thankless chore.
So he now understands that I want to take some time after birth, recover and get used to taking care of our baby and I wish not to worry about domestic chores. His role during his leave will not only be to enjoy his first child but also to take care of us. He understands it and agrees, yet I am freaking out. I don't want to have to keep asking him or reminding him, I just want things done for once! How will it be? Only time will tell, obviously. Nothing will stay the same, that's for sure. But I don't expect husband to finally understand and appreciate all the invisible work that goes on around the house. Whenever he does help I feel obliged to praise him, whatever I do stays unnoticed because same way he doesn't see mess he doesn't notice when things get done. Isn't it a nice thing to be born a man? Hopefully we are having a girl....
Tuesday, 19 February 2013
35 weeks
I am 35 weeks! I am massive and a good night sleep is a thing of mystery to me. Not only does the baby tend to wake me up whenever it wants to. Two nights ago it decided to kick my right ribs in such a strong way that I actually shook up and woke up. Then it wiggled within doing some sort of dance routine. Its moonwalks over my ribs are usually amusing but this one was mean, really mean.
Than here comes my husband. He had a cold over Christmas and he couldn't shake it off. He got antibiotics after almost a month of coughing, nose blowing and snoring. Then the antibiotics killed his helpful bacteria in the gut and he got some digestion issues, felt tired and weak. It was actually my fault because I didn't make sure he eats probiotics with his antibiotics. Who would expect a man to think about that? He got over it. During this time he is able to work, traveled to a conference in Malta and managed to enjoy a weekend at the bachelors for his friend. For all these events he manages to be fine and active. Than he comes home, refuses to accompany me to swimming even though I am super conscious of the way I look (and the fact that I only fit into bikini) because he is feeling sick or weak or both, he snores at night and complains during the day. He was fine for a while but now his cough is back and aren't his eyes red? Is he getting an infection? What do I think?
So when the baby allows me to rest I am woken up by him or by wondering if there is something serious going on, if he is having some bad illness, if he will even meet his baby he wanted so much... Seriously, the thoughts that come to your head at about 3.30 am are crap. Your normal reasonable mind is not active, the speculative bad worrying mind takes over. It is dark, quiet, you are trying to sleep while the man next to you huffs and puffs and the brain decides to speculate. Annoying!
I am trying my best to keep up. During the day I usually come to a conclusion that husband will survive. I secretly think that he is feeling left out with all the attention on me and my pregnancy (although it is OUR pregnancy, I don't mind to share, really) and his symptoms are more or less of mental nature. I do not think he is succumbing to some rare illness I think he needs more attention. I am trying my best to be nice to him and be as helpful around the house as I can, but aware that if I do too much he will assume pregnancy is swimmingly easy and won't make much effort. As always it is up to the woman to keep the balance and make him believe he is the controller. Sounds mean but it is true.
If I am active I feel better (my yoga teacher recommended as much activity as possible and she was right), plus I hope I will be tired and therefore sleep better. It helps to go to bed early and catch some extra sleep in the hours I would usually watch TV or a movie. I am probably in training for sleepless nights in the future.
I am not writing much, somehow there is so much to do! First of all there was an urge to clean, then I started washing and sorting all baby clothes and stuff we were given so far and I also had a sudden urge to source all the rest. I am getting ready. I have to get ready. Nothing interests me more than be ready for the big arrival of a little being who needs all of this stuff. I found great pram car seat combination on gumtree for a fraction of its original price. We are being given a cot. I spent half day researching reusable nappies. It is a science. Which type to go for? How do I know what will work? I chose a compromise - terry nappies. They cost less and I grew up with them, so did husband. We can not actually remember it but we did survive and our mothers did, too. So they can not be that bad. Now, as soon as there is space on the laundry line, I have to start washing the nappies and practice the folding. Laundry lines are full of baby's bedding and towels and wash clothes, we were flying through Boots and Ikea on Saturday morning with a long list in the hand, trying to stay ahead of the usual Saturday crowds (what is it with people actually wanting to spend their weekend in a shopping centers?). We have got everything we assume we need including Paracetamol (for the beginning of labour) and changing mat and... Well since probably only people in similar situation to mine are reading so far you have got pretty good idea what we have, but I must say I am proud of our organization skills.
The idea that I will be a full time writer during those last weeks was a little bit naive. But I did manage to catch up with what I have written so far - half of the novel is done and I can carry on, memory fresh, new ideas in my head. It helped to look back although it isn't recommended to revise unfinished novels but I needed to catch up and refresh my memory, that's all. It helped, I am very inspired. I hope I will get better once my nesting instinct is satisfied at least for a while.... Tomorrow.....
Than here comes my husband. He had a cold over Christmas and he couldn't shake it off. He got antibiotics after almost a month of coughing, nose blowing and snoring. Then the antibiotics killed his helpful bacteria in the gut and he got some digestion issues, felt tired and weak. It was actually my fault because I didn't make sure he eats probiotics with his antibiotics. Who would expect a man to think about that? He got over it. During this time he is able to work, traveled to a conference in Malta and managed to enjoy a weekend at the bachelors for his friend. For all these events he manages to be fine and active. Than he comes home, refuses to accompany me to swimming even though I am super conscious of the way I look (and the fact that I only fit into bikini) because he is feeling sick or weak or both, he snores at night and complains during the day. He was fine for a while but now his cough is back and aren't his eyes red? Is he getting an infection? What do I think?
So when the baby allows me to rest I am woken up by him or by wondering if there is something serious going on, if he is having some bad illness, if he will even meet his baby he wanted so much... Seriously, the thoughts that come to your head at about 3.30 am are crap. Your normal reasonable mind is not active, the speculative bad worrying mind takes over. It is dark, quiet, you are trying to sleep while the man next to you huffs and puffs and the brain decides to speculate. Annoying!
I am trying my best to keep up. During the day I usually come to a conclusion that husband will survive. I secretly think that he is feeling left out with all the attention on me and my pregnancy (although it is OUR pregnancy, I don't mind to share, really) and his symptoms are more or less of mental nature. I do not think he is succumbing to some rare illness I think he needs more attention. I am trying my best to be nice to him and be as helpful around the house as I can, but aware that if I do too much he will assume pregnancy is swimmingly easy and won't make much effort. As always it is up to the woman to keep the balance and make him believe he is the controller. Sounds mean but it is true.
If I am active I feel better (my yoga teacher recommended as much activity as possible and she was right), plus I hope I will be tired and therefore sleep better. It helps to go to bed early and catch some extra sleep in the hours I would usually watch TV or a movie. I am probably in training for sleepless nights in the future.
I am not writing much, somehow there is so much to do! First of all there was an urge to clean, then I started washing and sorting all baby clothes and stuff we were given so far and I also had a sudden urge to source all the rest. I am getting ready. I have to get ready. Nothing interests me more than be ready for the big arrival of a little being who needs all of this stuff. I found great pram car seat combination on gumtree for a fraction of its original price. We are being given a cot. I spent half day researching reusable nappies. It is a science. Which type to go for? How do I know what will work? I chose a compromise - terry nappies. They cost less and I grew up with them, so did husband. We can not actually remember it but we did survive and our mothers did, too. So they can not be that bad. Now, as soon as there is space on the laundry line, I have to start washing the nappies and practice the folding. Laundry lines are full of baby's bedding and towels and wash clothes, we were flying through Boots and Ikea on Saturday morning with a long list in the hand, trying to stay ahead of the usual Saturday crowds (what is it with people actually wanting to spend their weekend in a shopping centers?). We have got everything we assume we need including Paracetamol (for the beginning of labour) and changing mat and... Well since probably only people in similar situation to mine are reading so far you have got pretty good idea what we have, but I must say I am proud of our organization skills.
The idea that I will be a full time writer during those last weeks was a little bit naive. But I did manage to catch up with what I have written so far - half of the novel is done and I can carry on, memory fresh, new ideas in my head. It helped to look back although it isn't recommended to revise unfinished novels but I needed to catch up and refresh my memory, that's all. It helped, I am very inspired. I hope I will get better once my nesting instinct is satisfied at least for a while.... Tomorrow.....
Thursday, 7 February 2013
Friends
Husband is getting ecstatic because he will spend a weekend with his friends playing golf and having some bloke time. It is a bachelor weekend for one of the guys, but it will be a civilized one, or so I am told. It is so obvious he is very much looking forward getting away from the pregnancy books, baby clothes drying on the line, birth plan and bump watch and I can not blame him.
And I? Well I am very much looking forward to having the house to myself, to sleeping alone in our big bed stretched from one corner to another, to do whatever I want to do, to eat whenever I want to without worrying if I should prepare the same or something else for him (we have dinners together but during the day is very much whatever suits our schedule). I love my me time, my alone time.
My husband always worried about it. He is very sociable and his friends are as important as close family. He loves to spend time with other people, he makes friends easily, chats without long pauses. Sometimes I suggest an activity I would like us to do and his first reaction is to think who could join us, although I meant just the two of us doing the thing.
The fact that I don't really have so strong friendship or keep in touch with people I met is difficult to understand to him. But I think he finally gets that it is the way it is. Unlike him I didn't go to university where his strongest friendships were established. I traveled a lot and my jobs and circumstances changed quite a few times so I didn't really keep in touch with people from school or kids I grew up with.
During the years I bonded with people and had nice friendships but as soon as I moved away it drifted away. I do exchange occasional emails and Christmas cards with few people but I do lack the need to do more. When I finally meet with some of those who were very close to me I find one thing difficult: instead of wanting to know what I am up to NOW (which is what interests me about them very much) they seem almost unhappy I am no longer the person they remember. When I met my old friend from Austria last year, all she wanted was to chat about my ex because she still didn't put her head around the fact that I left him, moved on, started to live with husband and got married. My ex is so faraway from my life and I didn't understand why do we need to spend the one afternoon we have talking about him when there is so much going on in my REAL life.
This meeting helped me to build up my theory that however strong and nice friendships I did have, they lost their validity and point the moment I moved on. I don't mind my friends moving on but I expect them to accept that I do, too.
I don't have the need to chat to people all the time, every day, make endless phone calls, have weekly coffees. The fact is that I like to spend time alone, I am looking forward to it, a trip to town isn't an excuse to arrange a meeting.
I like to enjoy the time I have. Share some experiences, cook a nice meal and invite friends around, have a quality time we can remember is more valuable to me than weekly natter over the same topics. Same goes with communication. I am not very fond of skype and I find it very disturbing being called up when I am in a middle of something. Computer is mainly a working tool for me and since I write from home, it may seem like I'm constantly available. Lots of my friends don't do letters and I love nothing more than putting thoughts to paper. At the moment even emails are too much of a fuss for them. I should be on the social sites more and I did join facebook and twitter, but somehow it isn't helping much. I don't have the will to check for updates zillions times a day, I have better things to do (including daydreaming). I simply can not get in touch with the idea of instant availability which is supposed to improve our lives, of the need to be in the moment, share every stupid detail now and here in order to be a valid person.
In the past I did feel strange thanks to my very sociable husband. I hoped I will make more effort and change for the better with him but the truth is I learned that I am who I am and it is fine. I am a loner.
Now I am bombarded from left right and center that I will need bags of friends to get through the early motherhood. Isolation is apparently a trigger of depression. Will I be more isolated than I already am? The thought of a baby depending on me 24/7 sends sometimes waves of panic through my head. In less than two months I will have no me time at all. I was told that I will make friends easily, mums love to hang together, no one else understands them. I see some people/friends are already loosing interest in me thanks to my pregnancy. They are at a different stage in their lives, I get it but I may enjoy their company more than one of fellow mums. I would love not to loose touch with the world around and talk about other things than babies and sore nipples.
I was also told that most new friendships will be build during my pregnancy, from ante-natal classes and so forth. Well, I had very high expectations from the first class we attended but I must say all couples stuck together, there were polite smiles and short conversation but I didn't notice people keen on making lasting connections. Maybe it's because we are all with our partners, I thought. On week two husband was away for a business trip so I headed for the class alone, ready to use it to my advantage. When I was seen alone nobody even joined my table as if I was a bad bad person - and those people did see me with a partner a week ago, they knew I wasn't a lost single mother cause. Our last class was cancelled due to snow so I am still friendless and still fine with it.
It is just the way it is. I like to accept people the way they are and I would love to be accepted the same way. I am friendly and polite but not clingy or very chatty. I am fine by my own. So what?
On that note, I will have my last private yoga class next week. My teacher will start her maternity leave and I really hope we will be able to hang out to practice together once we have the babies. There is a friendship I would love to keep - or develop. I know she is providing a service but the chats we have and the atmosphere of our sessions is such that I see it as more than going to a hairdresser or for a facial, more than a service which I pay for. So clearly I do like company of people, I am not a complete loner venting on my computer far faraway from any living soul.. Am I perhaps too picky?
And I? Well I am very much looking forward to having the house to myself, to sleeping alone in our big bed stretched from one corner to another, to do whatever I want to do, to eat whenever I want to without worrying if I should prepare the same or something else for him (we have dinners together but during the day is very much whatever suits our schedule). I love my me time, my alone time.
My husband always worried about it. He is very sociable and his friends are as important as close family. He loves to spend time with other people, he makes friends easily, chats without long pauses. Sometimes I suggest an activity I would like us to do and his first reaction is to think who could join us, although I meant just the two of us doing the thing.
The fact that I don't really have so strong friendship or keep in touch with people I met is difficult to understand to him. But I think he finally gets that it is the way it is. Unlike him I didn't go to university where his strongest friendships were established. I traveled a lot and my jobs and circumstances changed quite a few times so I didn't really keep in touch with people from school or kids I grew up with.
During the years I bonded with people and had nice friendships but as soon as I moved away it drifted away. I do exchange occasional emails and Christmas cards with few people but I do lack the need to do more. When I finally meet with some of those who were very close to me I find one thing difficult: instead of wanting to know what I am up to NOW (which is what interests me about them very much) they seem almost unhappy I am no longer the person they remember. When I met my old friend from Austria last year, all she wanted was to chat about my ex because she still didn't put her head around the fact that I left him, moved on, started to live with husband and got married. My ex is so faraway from my life and I didn't understand why do we need to spend the one afternoon we have talking about him when there is so much going on in my REAL life.
This meeting helped me to build up my theory that however strong and nice friendships I did have, they lost their validity and point the moment I moved on. I don't mind my friends moving on but I expect them to accept that I do, too.
I don't have the need to chat to people all the time, every day, make endless phone calls, have weekly coffees. The fact is that I like to spend time alone, I am looking forward to it, a trip to town isn't an excuse to arrange a meeting.
I like to enjoy the time I have. Share some experiences, cook a nice meal and invite friends around, have a quality time we can remember is more valuable to me than weekly natter over the same topics. Same goes with communication. I am not very fond of skype and I find it very disturbing being called up when I am in a middle of something. Computer is mainly a working tool for me and since I write from home, it may seem like I'm constantly available. Lots of my friends don't do letters and I love nothing more than putting thoughts to paper. At the moment even emails are too much of a fuss for them. I should be on the social sites more and I did join facebook and twitter, but somehow it isn't helping much. I don't have the will to check for updates zillions times a day, I have better things to do (including daydreaming). I simply can not get in touch with the idea of instant availability which is supposed to improve our lives, of the need to be in the moment, share every stupid detail now and here in order to be a valid person.
In the past I did feel strange thanks to my very sociable husband. I hoped I will make more effort and change for the better with him but the truth is I learned that I am who I am and it is fine. I am a loner.
Now I am bombarded from left right and center that I will need bags of friends to get through the early motherhood. Isolation is apparently a trigger of depression. Will I be more isolated than I already am? The thought of a baby depending on me 24/7 sends sometimes waves of panic through my head. In less than two months I will have no me time at all. I was told that I will make friends easily, mums love to hang together, no one else understands them. I see some people/friends are already loosing interest in me thanks to my pregnancy. They are at a different stage in their lives, I get it but I may enjoy their company more than one of fellow mums. I would love not to loose touch with the world around and talk about other things than babies and sore nipples.
I was also told that most new friendships will be build during my pregnancy, from ante-natal classes and so forth. Well, I had very high expectations from the first class we attended but I must say all couples stuck together, there were polite smiles and short conversation but I didn't notice people keen on making lasting connections. Maybe it's because we are all with our partners, I thought. On week two husband was away for a business trip so I headed for the class alone, ready to use it to my advantage. When I was seen alone nobody even joined my table as if I was a bad bad person - and those people did see me with a partner a week ago, they knew I wasn't a lost single mother cause. Our last class was cancelled due to snow so I am still friendless and still fine with it.
It is just the way it is. I like to accept people the way they are and I would love to be accepted the same way. I am friendly and polite but not clingy or very chatty. I am fine by my own. So what?
On that note, I will have my last private yoga class next week. My teacher will start her maternity leave and I really hope we will be able to hang out to practice together once we have the babies. There is a friendship I would love to keep - or develop. I know she is providing a service but the chats we have and the atmosphere of our sessions is such that I see it as more than going to a hairdresser or for a facial, more than a service which I pay for. So clearly I do like company of people, I am not a complete loner venting on my computer far faraway from any living soul.. Am I perhaps too picky?
Thursday, 31 January 2013
about discipline
Discipline is a lovely word, isn't it? It is one of the words we start to appreciate when we grow up. It makes us feel and look and act grown up if/because we have got discipline.
I am 32 weeks pregnant now and discipline is high on my agenda. I have a feeling that if I don't become super - disciplined NOW or soon, I will not manage once the baby arrives. I have a vision of myself giving birth, being super - happy and after few hazy days recovering slipping back to my discipline - using all of my spare time (however little of it, I am not naive) to my best advantage.
I am quieting down, there is not much work left for me. I am not in a full time job, thankfully I am able to exist with occasional jobs only as I spent the years when most people build great careers traveling the world and the freedom I got used to plus lack of reputable CV meant I never caught up with the real world. I don't mind, I can have my own plans and projects and divide my time the way I want to. Of course, all of this wouldn't be possible if I didn't have a very supportive husband (thank you my dear). My small projects involve a little bit of PA work or translating and revising other people's works which is always exciting. I sometimes volunteer, too. We are not rich, my husband isn't a high flyer, but the truth is that we don't need that much stuff as we are made to think.
Another thing regarding my lack of work is that I spent over 2 years trying to get pregnant, I had an idea of building up some proper career but I felt pregnant, miscarried in 12 weeks and since then I sort of hoped it would happen at any time. It didn't and we kept trying and I wanted to be prepared and relaxed so why stress about job interviews anyway, right?... I did get pregnant finally after I started considering a job, was updating a very poor CV and searching online. I didn't apply though because we were also moving house which kept me pretty busy and before I could put myself together - whoala - I was pregnant!
So if there is any of you trying to conceive and getting frustrated I have an advice: don't give up but start to get busy with other things, make your mind worry about another things, make plans B and C and I hope you will not need them, or will be able to put them aside for later... But that's not what I wanted to write about.
The theme was discipline. Last week I started fretting about my lack of writing and planed to get back to my productive creative self. How do I do so far? Words planned to day: 9000. Words actually written: 3935. I sat down twice, not every day except Sunday. Oh dear, the fact that I have got more time at the moment as I don't have anything else going on, doesn't mean I am any better. Discipline is still something I hope to establish but I am working very slow at it. Why do I get so slow? I used to be able to fit so much into my day! Now everything takes time, so much time. Are all pregnant people so slow?
Plus I will have to start getting ready, put the things I will need together, take the classes, prepare for birth, pack the bag, fight over names - I will need the discipline even more because nothing is easier than sit online and research/discuss/review/compare baby products and dilemmas.
And why do I have this panic feeling that by end of March my life will end? Whatever won't be done can be done after the baby is here, right? I am not disappearing into thin air, I will still be me. A little lighter even.
Lets stay positive. I have a good life, I am transforming myself into a proper housewife and I am working on my discipline. I am improving. OK, last week was hectic, lets see what can I do in the coming one....
I am 32 weeks pregnant now and discipline is high on my agenda. I have a feeling that if I don't become super - disciplined NOW or soon, I will not manage once the baby arrives. I have a vision of myself giving birth, being super - happy and after few hazy days recovering slipping back to my discipline - using all of my spare time (however little of it, I am not naive) to my best advantage.
I am quieting down, there is not much work left for me. I am not in a full time job, thankfully I am able to exist with occasional jobs only as I spent the years when most people build great careers traveling the world and the freedom I got used to plus lack of reputable CV meant I never caught up with the real world. I don't mind, I can have my own plans and projects and divide my time the way I want to. Of course, all of this wouldn't be possible if I didn't have a very supportive husband (thank you my dear). My small projects involve a little bit of PA work or translating and revising other people's works which is always exciting. I sometimes volunteer, too. We are not rich, my husband isn't a high flyer, but the truth is that we don't need that much stuff as we are made to think.
Another thing regarding my lack of work is that I spent over 2 years trying to get pregnant, I had an idea of building up some proper career but I felt pregnant, miscarried in 12 weeks and since then I sort of hoped it would happen at any time. It didn't and we kept trying and I wanted to be prepared and relaxed so why stress about job interviews anyway, right?... I did get pregnant finally after I started considering a job, was updating a very poor CV and searching online. I didn't apply though because we were also moving house which kept me pretty busy and before I could put myself together - whoala - I was pregnant!
So if there is any of you trying to conceive and getting frustrated I have an advice: don't give up but start to get busy with other things, make your mind worry about another things, make plans B and C and I hope you will not need them, or will be able to put them aside for later... But that's not what I wanted to write about.
The theme was discipline. Last week I started fretting about my lack of writing and planed to get back to my productive creative self. How do I do so far? Words planned to day: 9000. Words actually written: 3935. I sat down twice, not every day except Sunday. Oh dear, the fact that I have got more time at the moment as I don't have anything else going on, doesn't mean I am any better. Discipline is still something I hope to establish but I am working very slow at it. Why do I get so slow? I used to be able to fit so much into my day! Now everything takes time, so much time. Are all pregnant people so slow?
Plus I will have to start getting ready, put the things I will need together, take the classes, prepare for birth, pack the bag, fight over names - I will need the discipline even more because nothing is easier than sit online and research/discuss/review/compare baby products and dilemmas.
And why do I have this panic feeling that by end of March my life will end? Whatever won't be done can be done after the baby is here, right? I am not disappearing into thin air, I will still be me. A little lighter even.
Lets stay positive. I have a good life, I am transforming myself into a proper housewife and I am working on my discipline. I am improving. OK, last week was hectic, lets see what can I do in the coming one....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)