About Sleeping

 What happens with sleep as life goes on? I've always found sleep important, even when I was young and restless. While in nursing school and knowing that I would do shifts, my thoughts often went to sleep. Will I catch up on it? Will the day sleep be enough? Will it ruin my health?

I've worked as a nurse and did shifts only for a few years, but it proved to be easy. I've slept great. Then life changed, I started to travel, experienced jet lag, and sleep was again on top of my list. I knew that I need to catch up in order to function, and I did. I lived at night for some years, slept in the day, it was easier than the ever changing shifts in the hospital, once I achieved a regular rhythm I was fine. In all these years, sleep wasn't an issue. Apart from planes, I could sleep anywhere. In strange beds, new bedrooms, alone, in dormitories, in tents, under the sky in nature... I would sleep easily. When tired, I would sleep twelve hours, no problem. When very tired, I would wake up refreshed in the same position I fell asleep in. These were the good years.

Slowly, lying on my front became uncomfortable and my neck would protest. Then I was pregnant and sleeping on my front was out of question anyway. I never went back to that position. With years added to my age, pillows appeared. If I didn't support my hips, I wouldn't feel comfortable on my side. Hugging a long, stuffed crocodile also helps for some unknown reason... I would say every decade brings extra pillow and more restrictions. Camping is no longer an easy adventure. I want a big tent where I can stand, big sleeping bag and the extra pillows. No more sleeping in a mummy style bag with a rolled up tracksuit top as a pillow... Otherwise I am not a happy camper!

But it isn't just physical. From the easy nodding off to dreaming a waking up, I slowly transitioned to waking up every time I turn, or waking up randomly just because, or being disturbed by either or all: husband, child, dog, wind and rain, random noise.. And my favourite: 2 am or 3 am thoughts. Sometimes you realize you are awake, but your brain is already working by the time it fully occurs. And the thoughts that come usually start with something bad, difficult, or just an idea. At the small hours, the brain is very prone to offering only bad or very bad scenarios and possibilities. While I can function very well in the every day reality and accept that many things are out of my control, when the same thoughts come in the random early waking up hours, my brain plays with them and offers catastrophe after catastrophe. And how am I supposed to go to sleep?

The quality of sleep changes with age, no matter what I do. I am wiser, practise more meditation and breathing exercises, I am rational, but sleep, the good sleep I remember, eludes me. Sometimes I think it is gone forever. I am coping. I keep up with the routine, have a dark room, avoid alcohol, caffeine, heavy food in the evening and afternoon, I do the right things. I've found things that work. I listen to a radio, podcast or an audio book before sleep or when I wake up during the night. I practise yoga nidra in the evening. I have an orthopaedic pillow. I am trying. But I miss the easy, full, rejuvenating sleep. I see my child sleeping like a log, nothing can wake her, even talking and noise. There were times when I was like that....

Half Term Bliss

 The last time I was looking forward to a school holiday was probably while I still was at school. It's nice not having to print out school work, sit with dear child, log on for school meetings and run the house around the school day.

I am ruled by the sourdough starter and the weather once again. I managed few gardening sessions, mainly heavy clearance and some planning. It will depend on my co - gardener / dear husband, so, wish me luck. He is good at nodding and saying: 'Yes, sound good,' and not so good at doing.

Will I win the war against slugs with a home-made garlic spray this year? That remains to be seen.

Editing is easy, too, it fits into my days now! And I have a free computer. Clever me, I never let dear child to bookmark favourite games on mine, husband is getting all the nagging at the moment.

I hope to finish first edit by the weekend, I've managed more than I've planned to do. I will take a break next week, go back to the school schedule and in the spare time, I will try to figure out Goodreads and social sites and, hopefully, talk to people. I am considering joining the 21st century and getting a smartphone. I didn't want to go down that rode, but an indie writer has to communicate...

The weather is getting worse, which means more screen time, less gardening time. And no family walks. Only family yoga, which is great fun.

Spring is in the air. Snowdrops are out, crocuses are catching up and the Canadian Geese are back. Everything seems more alive.

My review of Six Four by Hideo Yokoyama on Goodreads

 <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/29875918-six-four" style="float: left; padding-right: 20px"><img border="0" alt="Six Four" src="https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1468809081l/29875918._SX98_.jpg" /></a><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/29875918-six-four">Six Four</a> by <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/5529932.Hideo_Yokoyama">Hideo Yokoyama</a><br/>

My rating: <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3786836868">5 of 5 stars</a><br /><br />

This was my Christmas present, something I may have overlooked in the shop myself. Glad that this story came my way. For a while, I was a little confused by the fact that most of the book happens in the corridors of the police HQ in one Japanese city. There is a lot about the way the police works, about the hierarchy and culture, so specific to Japan. It was interesting to learn. But I did think: when will he get out and when will it start happening? It isn't your typical crime fiction, with a lonely but strong detective who solves a crime. This is something else. But it sucks you in. You want to know more, you keep reading. I stopped waiting for the action and enjoyed the ride, all the details. Sometimes, I have felt a little lost, but it didn't take long to remember who is who and what their role is. The story slowly moves on towards a surprising end, it is very interesting. There isn't a clear closure, a line under the story. There is knowing about what had happened a long time ago, but when we leave the story, we don't know how it really ended. But what was the story about, too, were relationships. And even though the main character, whom I really liked and rooted for, doesn't get his own personal closure, he reaches acceptance and understanding. And he is in a better place in the end. It was a special story, I won't forget it.

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<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/review/list/121125321-lucinda">View all my reviews</a>

OK, this is how it came out when prompted by Goodreads. I just wanted to try it out. Being very unwise on the technicalities, feel free to let me know how to make it better. Otherwise, let's meet on Goodreads..

A New Beginning

 I woke up yesterday feeling like drawing a full circle, starting a new one. It was the day of the New Moon. And it was the day of my birthday. A little ahead of the Moon, sometimes around the middle of the day (mother was quite sedated, can't bring the exact time to her memory, could I stop fussing about it? - sorry mum, just wondered about a horoscope...), I will be a year older.

Doesn't bother me, truly, life is a movement forward and I see it more as going in circles than in a slowly and inevitably declining line.

Year ago, the pandemic was hanging over us. It was obvious that it was coming for us (to most, not to certain PM). I was living the normal life - taking child to swim, library, or gymnastics after school. I remember that I had a cold sore (much less of it in the lockdown, even though it is winter) and my shoulders were stiff and sore. I badly needed a good massage. But I was afraid to go for one. Firstly, I struggled to find a good person who gets it just right (ever since my favourite massage therapist moved away, I only find beauticians who try their best, but don't really do a proper massage, or slightly sadist Thai ladies). Secondly, I was already worried about the virus and a close contact with a stranger who meets many people every day seemed risky. We celebrated my special day a little later, with a trip to Chester Zoo. It was mainly outside, easy to keep a distance, but still, the virus was on our mind.

Everything gradually changed. The lockdown started, the virus reached us, we lived differently, and, as I have already mentioned in another post, I liked my new lifestyle. I still do. The year rolled, we stayed healthy and together. My stiff shoulders turned into a problem on the left side and I discovered it was badly frozen and I had a impingement. I paid an online physio assessment, started with exercises, went for few treatments in person when it became possible. It bothered me a lot. I couldn't move, practise yoga the way I used to - without thinking and with ease, everything was an issue. Taking a bra off, changing curtains, lifting things, driving... Sleeping. Sleeping was hard. There was no position that felt good, every turn woke me up. With physio, balm, orthopaedic pillow and patience, I was slowly working through it. People talked and cared about the virus, my shoulder and mobility were my own little hell. Everything else was manageable.

I stopped walking the dog, taking her on the leash became impossible, and I couldn't risk her running off towards some other dogs, deer, squirrels, sheep, or people. When the world briefly opened up in the summer, I didn't feel that I could manage camping. How can I sleep in a tent when I can't figure it out in a bed with all the support I can find? I felt like a kill joy, husband wasn't amused, but what was I to do? Besides, our old budgie became unwell in the summer and I couldn't just leave him with the neighbours like we usually did when we travelled. It felt like I was doing it on purpose. Enjoying the lockdown, wanting to isolate myself even more. Who knows. It was hard. But every little improvement I could feel in the shoulder, every night I didn't wake up between 2 and 4 a.m., felt like a step forward and I repeated to myself that I matter, too. Doing everything for others and for the family is good, but I have to be well.

I did get better. My shoulder isn't there yet, but it is better, I can lift my arm, do more of yoga practise, there is progress. The budgie didn't make it, but he is at peace. We gave him quiet space and time. Getting a vet appointment was a mission, not many care for birds and everything, even an appointment for an assessment, took longer that year. We did finally secure a date, but when I saw the state he was in, I have decided to cancel the trip and leave him to it. I couldn't allow him to die of stress in transport or in stranger's hands. Our budgies aren't tame, they like their distance.

This year, I am an old hand at the lockdown, the uncertainty is gone. I knew we will not be celebrating. That's OK. I did the little things: played games with dear child, painted my nails blue, had a face mask and a nice relaxation while letting it soak in, finished the book I was reading, made chocolate truffles - it was a school project for dear child and a great way to make something special to celebrate. I don't need to go out, have a party, I am fine (slightly relieved I don't have to, to be honest). I managed to do what needed to be done and made time for a webinar on Amazon with a lovely self published writer. It was inspiring. The circle is closing behind a challenging time. Challenging in a different way than how it was for others, for most of the world. I feel better. Starting the new chapter at the New Moon (and almost at the New Year) feels like a message, turning the page, moving on, going in the right direction. All is well.

The Long Month of January

 January is a long month, isn't it? It begins all new, fresh, enthusiastic, exciting... Then you notice it is still winter. But the days are getting longer. And you start to hear the birds singing in the morning. But it is winter nevertheless. You finish all the good food and treats left over after Christmas. You maybe even try to drink less alcohol, or none at all. You may even exercise, eat differently, try to read that difficult book, learn a new skill. Anything. Because it is a new beginning, a better one.

This year, lockdown is added for a good measure. The lockdown in November didn't feel proper, the schools were open. This one is the real deal. This week was the first week that home schooling felt like a struggle. Waking up is harder, I sleep a little longer. We have a good routine, it helps, but it also makes time funny - with routine it goes faster, yet at the same time it seems to stand still. Depends on what subject we are doing. A month of explaining the logic of counting and timetables is taking its toll.... Last two weeks, I saw progress. This week I see stagnation. The child is the same, what is wrong, then?

This lockdown is like a hibernation. With the bad weather and short days, it takes lots of effort to get out of the house. I've made a point of picking up reading books on Mondays and dropping them off on Fridays. It is child's job (and mine, of course)! Even in bad weather, two walks are guaranteed.

We were lucky last weekend, there was snow and we went sledging, the whole family together. We were the first ones on the hill behind our house, the dog was running up and down with us, it was great fun. After more families arrived, I had to watch the dog and keep her with me. Sitting low on a sledge and seeing a big dog running right at you can be intimidating when you are a small child and don't know the dog... We also managed to go out and sledge one last time on Monday after school, great motivation to get things done! But the rain came back and now we are back to mud and grey skies...

January will end on Sunday, lockdown will continue. I don't mind, I only wonder why came the change in my mood. I go to bed early, try to sleep well, eat well, exercise, but the easy going rhythm from after Christmas is gone, and everything seems harder. Maybe it's the schooling. It is work, not fun. I try to make it fun, but that makes it more work... Maybe it's the hill of marketing and introducing my book to the world, it seems to get higher and higher each day... Maybe. Whatever it is, we are still lucky. We are healthy, we manage, we can do it. Even in the longest month that came after the longest year. And who knows what will happen the next week. As long as we are healthy, we are winning. Good luck to you all.

On Writing

 I am editing. Again. I have spent most of the last year editing. I started with one book - the first one I have ever written, finished, submitted, and eventually translated into English. Long project.

I was tired of the story after a while, and decided to switch to another book. A nanowrimo project, which was professionally edited. I thought it would be an easy, restful thing. It wasn't. I have found many things that didn't sit right, edited it some more, discovered Grammarly, edited again.

After that, I have felt confident. After the professional edit was done in 2017, I tried submitting the book to literary agents. I found the project daunting and discouraging. I have learnt that I don't find it easy to put myself into a clear category and compare the book with others - a way the writer is advised to look for the right agent. I settled on women's fiction and looked for agents that deal with that category. Which is many.

However, women's fiction seems to be something at the back of the list. At least in the last few years. You can write romance, there is market for that, otherwise there seem to be great interest in thrillers and crime fiction. The vague answers, or mostly non-answers, were in a sense of: not what we are looking for. As if there was a diagram of: category - topic - storyline - money. The assessment isn't about writing, it's more about what makes money right now. At least that was the impression I had. 

I didn't grow up in the UK, I can't easily categorise myself in regard of education, connections, class, history. I belong here, yet I don't. Therefore, a novel happening in Europe may not be what the agents are looking for right now. The story behind it is universal, but the framing might put them off. But I can't write what I think people want to sell, or what I believe will make the best profit. A story grows in me and I have to say it. That is how I work. It makes me a writer.

Instead of feeling beaten, I looked into self - publishing. I have spent lots of time on editing and proofreading. I didn't want to publish a book that was full of mistakes and errors. Assuming that was the hard part, I started the process of formatting. Not an easy task, too. I have learnt how to create a paperback, e - book, and a cover. It may come easy to some people, to me not so much. But I have made it. It is out, published at the end of December.

Of course, however frustrating, difficult, long and hard the process was, it was nothing. The marketing is the hill where introverts go to truly suffer (but never ever die!).

In order to not to get too frustrated, I started to edit the first book again. It was good to give it a rest. It is good to look at the text with eyes used to editing after the last year. And I hope that when I am ready to start formatting, the process will be much easier. I am a little worried about the cover, the idea in my head is probably way over my abilities. But I will figure it out.

So here I am. A writer. I can call myself that, I work on my writing every day. I am not writing anything new right now, because if I did, I wouldn't edit or promote the existing book. I have to use my resources (my resources are a budget of zero and time left after home school and house work) in a way that helps me to complete things. I resuscitated this blog in order to have some outlet for the mind. There is something addictive about the tapping of fingers on the keyboard and creating. I don't see it as a chore, it is a reward. 

I am one of many. I know I am. My inbox is overflowing with new books announcements, twitter even more so. But the readers will find me one day. And the story will be ready.

Lockdown

 I felt relieved when the lockdown was announced. Schools, like many other places, didn't seem safe to me. But yes, more work for me...

One way, it feels oddly familiar. We have a box with papers, pencils, pens, erasers and all the other things, we know how to link to various sites used by school, understand how to work with them. School is much more organised, ready to get going from day three of the term - having spent day one preparing for the return of children and day two figuring out how to do distance learning and who is attending...

But I am smarter, too. Noticing how well the habit of early morning practise made me feel during the Christmas period, I have decided to carry on with it. Instead of slow mornings, I try to get up before anyone else and have a practise before switching on the computer and finding the day's work. It does wonders. I feel good and I don't have a nagging thought about practise at the back of my head while dealing with other things.

Second thing, I try to listen to a relaxation track or a yoga nidra every evening before bed. It isn't a fully relaxed session, dear child decided to move husband to the child's room and sleeps permanently in my bed. At the moment, I tend to nod off before or alongside the child. Therefore my relaxing moment coincides with the last burst of energy stored specifically for bedtime. But I figured out that husband and child get used to the fact that I am unresponsive around 8 p.m. And a background noise is surely all about practise and focus improvement, isn't it?

Since I do the night snoring, kicking, toilet trips and early morning chats, husband can do the bedtime story while I listen to mine. I may be onto something, I wake up feeling more rested.

I don't do resolutions, January is fairly normal month for me. There is no need to push myself or to try and change everything. But building a habit of taking time for myself without feeling bad about it is surely a good one to choose if you wish to make a resolution? Or just go and do it, whatever time of the year it is. Without planning, this is happening. In a way it is good to be dropped into lockdown with few hours notice. It would have helped the schools to know about it sooner, but as a parent, I managed to simply apply these little steps without planning and overthinking them and being worried about not managing to keep it up. It is a day at a time mode here at home, but every day counts. As long as we stay healthy.