Clearance

 

I spent most of my weekend by the table, going through magazine and paper cuttings, old magazines, warranty booklets, and random bits of paper with information that some time ago seemed relevant. They were happily nestled away in a far-reach part of the library but, as happens regularly, I am running out of space. I need somewhere to put all the games and puzzles that the family accumulated.

I used to read much more magazines and loved Sunday newspapers. I stopped buying them as time became more precious and reading time was even worse to carve out in my day. With papers, I also didn’t want to fund a certain rich bloke, no matter how good journalists he employed. Magazines totally lost their magic. Fashion magazines for women were outgrown just like their teenage predecessors had been lost before. Suddenly, I wouldn’t care about the latest celebrity musings, didn’t know who they were, and it was boring me. Newest beauty trend? Who cares?

Sorting out the incredible chunk of history was like evolution happening in front of my eyes. I kept some of the very first cuttings because they reminded me of the young girl who had started living independently and had had lot of dreams and ideas. I must say, I was into art and independent movies, and I silently approved of the young self.

Then I went through the image stage. Being involved in modelling and fashion, fashion photos were study, inspiration and admiration. How are the best photos made? How to be in them?

Then, there was the travelling phase, with endless materials about places I had been to and wanted to return to and many new places I had hoped to visit sometimes. They still hold their magic, but with disasters, changes, pandemics and uncertainty, even if I get the time and money, I will have to research again. Besides, being older means I know much better where I want to go.

Speaking of being old, I found a surprisingly high number of articles about the real point of most magazines for women – how to make myself better. In early adulthood, it was mostly self-improvement and (sort of) psychology. Later on, especially with the years of on-and-off pregnancies, losses, early motherhood and uncertainty, I was finding all the supposedly right ways to eat, exercise regimes, treatments and products that were supposed to make me better. I didn’t realize how much stuff I had put aside for a better time when I would be ready. They were very easy to get rid of.

Who knew that all that is needed is to work with your body as it is, eat right and move in a way that feels good. Good sleep, proper home-cooked food, and peace of mind make most of these articles truly irrelevant. Luckily, I have found my own ways to live and nourish myself and others. It took a bit of time but I got there.

I found my flirtation with yoga and alternative lifestyle magazines, but they never got a strong hold. I was into yoga before it became mainstream and realized quickly that I have the tools I need and ways to find the right teachers. I don’t need trends.

I have found some clippings of writing that were good and inspirational. It is funny how the interests follow the journey of life – from images to words, from travel to home comforts. I don’t need most of them. I do appreciate how much work goes into the media. However, most of it is meant to sell us stuff or ideas. Keeping my distance helps me focus on what interests me. I cleared the space, filled the recycling bin, and kept what I really liked or wanted to keep for now. I cleared some space without having it written down as a resolution. There was simply a need that was fulfilled at the right time when I was ready. Boxes of games are moved to the freed-up space. The empty lower shelf could be given to my daughter's expanding LOL collection. Looks like we all have to pass the consumer stage in life.

I will have to go in detail through articles of book reviews and film listings, they are part of ‘to be read’ and ‘to be watched’ lists that are only virtual, unlike the real lines of books and TV series, including some good documentaries. I am once again realizing that books and movies stay, they are not disposable and they mean as much as ever.

End of The Year

 

As the year is coming to its close, I can’t help but feel a bit annoyed. 2023 was a year of splendidly miserable weather. A few hot days, a few bright days, a few frosty days. Rain, mud and wind everywhere in between throughout the seasons. The last week is no different.

I worked a bit between Christmas and New Year’s Eve, which was good because I had to go out and I was actually quite lucky in being out in between the bursts of really bad winds and storms. But still, it is a bit sad. We didn’t do our traditional Christmas family walk and I am not sure that we will have a stroll on the beach to start the new year. We’ve done so for the last two years and it was always lovely.

Our planet is struggling, we can all see it, and yet so little is done about it. Excuses about the economy are made, people don’t want to change their ways, and the top one percent seeks a way to exploit the crisis. Let’s shop our way out of climate change!

On a more personal note, this year was a busy year and brought with it a new dynamic and discipline. I figured that once I get going, I can get a lot done. Discipline comes naturally, I don’t like unfinished work. Seeing my little business growing was great, and being appreciated was very rewarding. I like the fact that I can do what I like while I am also being useful and helpful. I met some very nice people and their pets and realized that coming out of my shell a little is fine.

Of course, I still didn’t manage to translate my newly found skills into my writing career. But I did finish my fourth book, honed up my proofreading and editing routine, learnt a bit more about the process of bringing a story to life and set up the stage for a bit more shine. I will write more but I think that I need to take a break and focus on marketing and networking. Writing is my craft, my thing, but I also tend to hide behind it. This year showed me once again that there is only so much time I have and I can only accomplish so many things in a day. I can’t dedicate all day to writing. I have to manage the time that I can give it and sometimes, other aspects of my craft will have to take priority. It is nice to see other writers online, floating from a writing group to book signing, then doing a bit of reading and reviewing before spending half of the night working on a new story. Good.

I won’t forgo rest. I won’t keep myself awake for the sake of a daily word count goal. Making a note in my diary or sending a message is writing too, at the end of the day. I will stay realistic.

Besides, what I don’t do around the house won’t be done. I can’t abandon my family duty. Husband can help sometimes, but often explaining what to do, how and why takes more time and effort than doing stuff myself.

This year was again slightly frustrating because my right shoulder was frozen and I had to slowly work on rehabilitation. It wasn’t easy to accept that after sorting the left shoulder, the condition simply moved, for no apparent reason, onto the other side. I didn’t bother with seeking help, dusted off the old set of exercises and got on with it. Being limited is difficult. Sometimes, I think about ageing, about feeling different, about the body becoming heavy and bothersome. Scary thought. Good practice and active living help me to keep on top of my health, I don’t want to depend on our crumbling health service or other people, it truly terifies me. So I do what I can.

The best part of the year? Travelling again, being in Prague, seeing my family, spending time with my daughter, seeing how she is slowly coming into a new, more independent, stage of life. Sometimes I look at her and wish she could stay my little buddy forever, always safe with me. But I know that I will have to let her go, be herself and find and learn things on her own. I will always be there for her, of course, I will, but these years of childhood are so special, it is sad that they will become a memory. I hope that I can still plan some little trips and things to do together and that she will still be excited about them.

Ten years ago, we were celebrating the first Christmas with her. We were trying to figure out how she manages to get from lying down to sitting and kept missing the moment. She was lying down, we turned our heads, looked again, and there she was, sitting. What a year that was, bringing her into the world. And now she is all grown up.

We live in peace, we are safe, and we have a home. We have a lot. It can be tough and difficult and frustrating and sad, but overall, life is one great adventure. One circle of it is closing, moving on the next one, with a new number, but the same people, challenges and little pleasures. All the best to us all.

The Anniversary

 

Our fourteenth wedding anniversary passed without any notice. It started with celebratory feelings in the first years, moved on to a bit of less enthusiastic, then ironic occasion, and now it is more or less a normal day. Looking back at the photos of the day, we look like two people in love. That day was unassuming – just us and two witnesses in the town hall. We had a high tea afterwards.

Knowing what I know now, that was perfect for me. When my now husband proposed to me we almost immediately agreed that we wanted to be outside to get married and that the best place would be where we had met – South Africa, and on the beach (husband loves sea sand sun and is often convinced that so do I even though I am a mountain spirit and take a hill over a beach any time) where we first kissed. It was one of the kisses when the earth moves under your feet, the one that convinces you that something special is happening.

It was soon clear that a beach wedding was a great but impractical idea. Formalities of a wedding between citizens of two different nations and non-residents had made it clear that obtaining the legal document would be much simpler where we lived. No problem, we will have a beach ceremony, it will make no difference.

Then it became clear that my friends and relatives wouldn’t be able or willing to travel so far. Considering that I was already living far from them all, it was fine. Husband had enough family and friends to provide enough good company. Now I see that I had already set myself as a stranger in the group, coming alone, staying alone. For us as a couple it was practical – we could be in Africa all of December (using craftily the fact that the end of year grants most employees a longer time off plus annual leave plus the benevolence that the word wedding stirs even in hardened and life-beaten managers and human resources staff) and combine it with holiday and honeymoon. Husband was living in the UK for three years and was happy to have time with his friends and family and the sort of December he was used to – a summer one.

That beach day’s anniversary is in December, but through the years I have come to see the November quiet wedding as the one to celebrate. It was truly a day for us. We were together, made a legally binding commitment to one another, and had a beautiful day in the company of good friends in the city where we were living together. It seemed like the love would only get stronger, the world belonged to us and we would be together forever. It was special and in its low-key unpretentious way it didn’t show it but it let us feel it.

I wore what I wanted. I took out a long, beautiful, full skirt of black and grey fabric, combined an outfit, and wore blue (for something blue) net stockings underneath, I dressed and made up for myself. Picking up the traditional white outfit for the beach was much more complicated, I was thinking about where we would be, what would people say and how the photos would work out… But on that November day, we were simply having a good time. And that is why it was special.

I felt a real connection to my partner and to the people who witnessed the ceremony. On the beach, after I had spent the night alone as tradition required and husband had had a heavy night of getting back together and celebrating with old friends he didn’t belong to me, I could sense the difference. He was uncooperative during the time with the photographer, I could see that he would much rather sit with his mates and chat away. I loved the photo shoot, it reminded me of the blurry days of modelling and how often are you in a beautiful place, wearing a lovely dress, having your hair done and being perfectly put together? Oh well.

The rest of the day was a blur. It was long and exhausting and after came the deflation. The honeymoon was fine but we were now past peak romance, past the newness and the teamwork of last weeks. That culminated on the afternoon before the wedding, when we picked up the cake, had a last word with the decorator, and had our paper license for our beach ceremony picked up from the office, everybody was there or arriving and we were about to part – me back to our friends’ house, him to the hotel. We had a drink and talked and were at peace because our organizing was done and we were ready.

Looking back, it was a day for husband, I was just playing the role I was supposed to play. I enjoyed what I could but didn’t love it.

A couple of years ago, when our daughter was looking through the old photos of the beach ceremony, husband said that it was the best day of my life and I got really angry with him. How can he be so ignorant? I had never said that. If he were to truly look at the photos, I didn’t look as happy as on other occasions – the November city hall wedding perhaps, or our first holiday together (now THAT had honeymoon vibes) or when our daughter was born. He could see happiness on a special level there. He just lazily used a stupid cliché we all know and hear, a cliché that is used to make girls believe that wedding paves the way to everlasting happiness, fulfils them and makes their life meaningful. I will never ever bestow such nonsense on my daughter. Quite the opposite. If you were to ask me about happiness then what comes to mind are times when I was single, often alone, and doing what I wanted the way I wanted. And in connection to other people, time with my child trumps any romance that passed and is long gone…

As with every relationship, our evolved. When we were taking the vows in the city hall, we didn’t think that it would become so distant and deflated. Like any other fool in love, we thought we would show the world how it ought to be done. Instead, we found and faced our differences, faced challenges and changed. Things happened, good and bad. It is okay not to be dizzy with happiness. As long as you know that the other one is there for you, I think it is enough.

Sometimes I think about the very beginning of living together, the intensity of it and I am glad it is over because it was exhausting. Once we were more settled, I could find myself in the new role and be myself again. I put a bit of distance between us, but so did he.

I would rather have a quiet relationship knowing that I have my base and can focus on everybody being well so that I can do what I want or need to do than live like one of the utopian couples who always agree with one another, never argue and love to do everything together. Yeah, right.

As a loner, I carved out an existence where I can cultivate my existence and my husband can keep having his bonds with mates. He might have thought that I would be by his side at all times, unquestioningly joining in everything, but he had learnt that he has his space and I have mine and that is how it worked out. Good, bad, I don’t know. But pretending that endless romance is there would be much worse.

The one thing that I now know and that I had no clue about back then, before all the anniversaries, is that as a woman, I am expected to become the second half, the supporting part, the keeper of home peace. I am to like what he likes, be happy when he is happy, and want what he wants. When a man says We, he means I and the rest… It is sad. Only after marriage did it dawn on me that we are silently being pushed to be accepting, accommodating, loyal, polite, quiet, and, most of all (and my personal knicker-twister-upper) grateful. Husband automatically assumes that he is right. If something goes wrong it goes wrong. If it involves me, well, I must have made a mistake. The way misogyny powers the world can be very subtle. Even blokes who consider themselves open-minded and good have certain assumptions about life that they would never consider wrong. After years of marriage, I know I won’t change everything, but I am very careful about the little messages I put into my daughter’s mind as a part of her upbringing.

Open The Door

 

My fourth book is called Open The Door and it is a little different. It was a book that came as a new idea, not something that was already drafted or put in notes before. It was a fully freestyle creation from NaNoWriMo 2019. I did exactly what I was supposed to do according to NaNoWriMo rules: I showed up every day and wrote a certain amount of words.

In one way, it was a bit uncertain – will I have enough ideas, will the story fit into the word count and time frame, will I not run out of steam halfway? In the other way, it was liberating. No notes to go through, no limits. I allowed the characters to develop and do their own thing. I am still amazed by how well it worked.

I believe that the template was already in me, it wasn’t sweated over late in the evenings, staring at an empty page.

I knew I wanted to write a different story than before. But I still used references from my own life, mainly to modelling, ageing and (my old-time favourite) Japan. My first three books were about young people, about their uncertain lives, choices, and love lives. I wanted to move on to someone grown-up. I was experiencing motherhood and noticed that I was becoming invisible and that I was changing. I was thinking about the next stages of my life – what will happen after the big chunk of intensive mothering is done? When the little people become bigger and more independent? I will still be needed but in another way.

Another thing on my mind was the relationship between women. I was tired of the age-old formula of love between a woman and a man. The reality of married life might have had something to do with it, I’m not gonna lie. What if my heroine started to question her sexuality? I believe that it happens to many older people. Being brought up in the traditional notion of a nuclear family, seeing how society functions, reading books and seeing movies and TV dramas that always occupy themselves with the relationship between men and women, many of us follow the clues and question things later or never. I wanted my heroine to fall in love. But I wanted a different love. So I gave it to her.

In some ways, Open The Door may seem too easy. Nice, comfortably living people deal with very mild problems. There is no struggle, no drama. On the other hand, there are the subtle questions of life that come when we have the luxury to think about them. What do I want? Where do I belong? What will I do with the rest of my life?

And there are troubles and losses, too. Rachel’s life is far from easy when we meet her. Is it too ideal? I don’t know. This is how the story came to me, I am just a narrator. I wanted a nice story about nice people, who have a good life, home, and security, who can do a bit of soul searching. I probably needed it, because all of my past stories were about finding one’s roots, purpose, home, relationships, and building a career. I wanted to look at the next steps. In 2017 NaNoWriMo (I participated every other year and focused on editing etc. in the year after) my story dealt with very serious issues. It is still waiting for its next stages and it wasn’t easy to write, although, just like Open The Door, it asked to happen the way it did. So yes, this book is about the next chapter in life, it brings us more mature characters who are a long way from knowing everything. Because we are never quite done, are we?

Open The Door has Rachel, a thirty-six-year-old model, as a main character. She is a single mother and we find her worrying about her career prospects. She is well past the average model’s age. She has done well until now, but the clues about her ‘not getting any younger’ are slowly coming. What can she do next?

One of the problems with success is that you may have only one skill and some jobs don’t offer much progress. You are either in or you are out.

Rachel is well aware that many girls from the industry ended up married, the best of them were trophy wives, admired as much as they were in their modelling years. Finding a well-to-do man might be the best option. As luck would have it, Rachel is currently dating a man who would fit the bill perfectly. Only that he doesn’t mean much to her. Nor did any of her past relationships.

Rachel is slowly spiralling into a period of worry and change. She still manages to keep a brave face in front of her sixteen-year-old son, but how long can she keep going? Watching her son’s first love and comparing it to her relationships, she sees a void and doesn’t know how to find the right direction.

Instead of transforming herself into a professional housewife, Rachel manages to revive her career. Just like finding out that she has exceptional hands shortly after becoming a mum and saving her modelling career years ago, she discovers the blossoming market of older models. And it isn’t all. Love comes to her, too. In a very different form than she had expected. Donna, the mother of her son’s girlfriend, becomes her favourite person and it takes a while to understand that what Rachel feels is what she is missing. There may be a reason for her low interest in dating men. There was a lot to discover for Rachel and it was such fun being on the journey with her.

Creative Time

 

Horrible weather, shortening days, noisy fireworks – yes, we could be quite miserable. But it is the prime plotting time of the year. From October onwards, it is easier to sit down by the computer and weave stories.

For me, this year is about the nitty gritty of finalising a project. I’ve been the writer with a drawer full of stories. They had ‘The End’ written at the end, which made them real. Everybody can start a story, right? How many of us finish it? The projects waited their turn. I am the type of person who doesn’t like to see unfinished things. I take the stories out in turn and I am turning them into books with covers and numbered pages and real life. One by one they fly out of the nest.

My fourth book reached the stage of proof copy and during the last few weeks, I was slowly reading it through, making notes. Editing is a slow process and it is hardly ever truly done. I have to decide at some stage that the text is as good as I can make it and I have to let it go. Otherwise, I could sit here forever, agonising over comas, word choices, and – my nemesis – past perfect or past or past present tense goes here???

Monday was a day with no bookings in my real job, a relatively low level of stuff to do around the house and, a silent hurray, the first day of school after half term. I was fussing a little, but eventually, I was sitting down, checking my notes, and making changes, mostly in agreement with my inner critic. It is tedious work. I need to make sure that I don’t omit anything, don’t make additional mistakes, keep the flow of words right and generally improve the story. It isn’t as much fun as other stages of writing, but I am now at the stage where I polish the gem, I can see how it reflects light, where the spark is, and how the jewel will look in its final form. It is slow but extremely rewarding.

This story was drafted in 2019, had a bit of a rest, and came back to me this year. Considering that it is much shorter than my previous two books, I thought it would be an easy journey and I would finish it swiftly. But I didn’t rush it, had to fit it around other things in my life that had to be done, so I am still not finished and I most likely won’t publish two books in one year. Doesn’t matter. Time is the least measurable success in the writing journey. Rushing words isn’t wise.

I finished the fixes on Tuesday and then the book went to sleep. Time issues, as usual. I will give it one more read-through. And then, the world will be ready for my new story. I’ve found out that editing is easier when things change a little. After the first draft, a simple read-through with lots of notes and changes is the best option. When the story feels done, printing it out and seeing it on paper brings out many things that the screen doesn’t reveal so well. After that, reading aloud, however mad I may seem, is another trick that brings out repetitions, sentences that don’t work, and some last, cheeky typos. After all of that, I usually grow tired of the story and don’t want to read it again. So I take a bit of a break. This year, I was lucky, this time came just around summer and since it was our first European trip in a while, I could simply go and have a holiday. Then there were a few weeks of mad working and no chance to write at all…

I sat down to formatting, ordered a proof copy and had the read-through that culminated in this week’s work. Even though I have printed the story before, seeing it as a book and reading it as a book brings it again into a new light and makes the process easier and smoother. We are writers at the end of the day – we love working with books. I hope that the next print will be a proper book, ready to find its readers and that the hard work that had gone into creating it will be appreciated. My line editor (yellow bird) and critique partner (white bird) whose photo adorns this post will eagerly await feedback for their hard work.

The NaNoWriMo Month is here

 

Last year, I concluded that participating in NaNoWriMo would be impossible. I had only recently begun working, everything was new, and getting used to days dictated by work, family and household responsibilities had seemed too much. I was very certain that in a year I will get used to my new rhythm and be ready to participate. Ha!

Enter November 2023. 11 years since my first NaNoWriMo, which I completed every other year. NaNoWriMo has helped me to commit and complete. The intense month of writing had led me to other months of re-reading, editing, proofreading, formatting… Lock-down and NaNoWriMo are the two things that helped me on my way to not only be but also call myself aloud A Writer. Lock-down because I could write without interruptions of visits, travelling, children’s parties, and errands… NaNoWriMo because it is a good challenge.

Last year, I hoped to write a blog post a day and complete that. Impossible. Also, I hoped to get better at networking and promotions. No, didn’t happen either.

The funny thing is, I wasn’t that busy last November. It was just the adjustment from a homemaker and writer to a self-employed parent and writer. I am lucky, my work grew, I gained regular clients and I got busier. I am busy now. I don’t wait around, my diary is filled with appointments. And my other responsibilities and chores didn’t go away either, quite the opposite. So this November, I am in an even worse position to start the novel-writing month. Throughout the year, I didn’t master my fear of networking, marketing, and actually putting myself out there. I had a good excuse. This November, it will be my project. I will not do a daily word count. Instead, I will show up.

When I finished my first novel, I developed a routine of morning writing. I am a morning person anyway and I figured that waking up a bit earlier gives me an opportunity to work undisturbed, get writing done, and move on to my daily tasks with a good feeling of having achieved something before getting out of my pyjama.

I have great respect for people who will sit with their creative work late at night and plough until they really must go to sleep. I can’t do that. If nothing else, motherhood ended my evening activities. Evening classes, movies, dinners out, nothing is attractive enough to beat a cosy lying down in bed. As well as the early morning, in the early evening, when everyone is fed, dishes are done, and the child has been washed and read with, there is a small window where I can do something for myself – read a book, watch a movie or a TV series, anything. It took time to train my husband out of the expectation that I would watch what he wants and when he wants. He arrives at this stage much later than me. And because I like early starts, I have to go to sleep earlier, too. By nine o’clock, I want to be in the dark, with my eyes closed, thank you very much.

I can’t bring myself to switch on the computer and work at that time of the day. Evenings are tiring and I crave quiet.

Two years ago, I changed my routine and shifted my practice to early morning. Instead of writing first, I do my yoga and meditation first. Again, great. Whatever I do first in the morning is the winner. Because my practice had to be fitted into my day, I was worried that I would make it into a chore, or strip it to very bare necessity. Some days, I could only sit, breathe, and meditate for twenty minutes and felt that because I had had a long walk and had been active in the garden or around the house, it didn’t matter that I didn’t have more practice. I didn’t focus so well.

Moving my practice – the thing that is the very essence of me – to the prime spot of the first thing of the day was something that helped me when I began working. No matter what else happens in my day, I know that I have already practised. But it shifted the writing time to later. And sometimes, writing for the sake of writing – the NaNoWriMo style of writing – stays undone. I still edit, proofread, finish, and produce books. Book number four is on its way very soon. But new ideas are only glimpses in my head and scribbles in my notebooks. Their time will come. If I have learnt something in life it is that slow and steady is the way to go. We can want everything now, but it doesn’t mean that everything now is good or achievable or better.

So let me just get on with things. And you do your things with grace. All the best if you are chasing the word count this year.

Yes, I Am! (Solstice Musings)

 I am a writer. Every day, as I edit my fourth book, I see it as a reminder of the fact. I wrapped Edit 3 on the morning of Summer Solstice - how very special. This year, I have a rhythm and structure. I need it because I also have a day job. So finding time to work on my books (important but brings no money) has to fit into work (money) and housework (no money but I am also a house elf or ex-housewife if you wish), is a challenge. Plus dear child who mustn't be forgotten, and my yoga practice which is a part of me and can't be pushed aside, and my general well-being. Luckily, yoga and books are my hobbies and I have no friends. I also love being out, but my job sorts that out for me. I can somehow fit most of the things I see as necessary to do into my day.

I am freelancing, therefore I don't know how busy I will be and how much money I will earn, but to be working again, properly, is beautiful. And I talk about it endlessly. Whoever asks, I rattle on about dog walking, caring for animals, doing special courses on dog behaviour, etc. I am happy when I am with animals and the more I meet, the more I learn and the better I am. While out and about with them, I can think, I can talk without much worry and no dreaded small talk that I just can't do. They don't care.

The interesting thing is, I have been a writer for much longer than I am a dog walker and pet sitter. Yet I am not as able to start singing praise to my writing profession as I am to the 'official' one. When I stand by the school gates with my dog walking belt still attached (because when out and about, you need stuff at hand and free hands, too), muddy boots, and happy expression, I will happily chat about where I've been, what I've seen, etc. I will discuss dogs and their peculiarities. Cats and their moods. Little pets and their habits. I will go to meet pet owners, talk about what I can do, and be at ease. And I love it. This job is ideal, it has the right amount of interaction for an introvert and is a good prospect for a reliable person like me. People need this service and when they see that you treat their very important pet well, they will stay with you and you develop a working pattern. And you keep learning. And you can become something more but still be your own boss.

However, in the morning I arrive at the school gate after a session of writing (or an outline for writing to be done later in the day when other things take my time in the morning). The writer's 'hat' is not as easy to spot. As a title, it isn't as straightforward. I am a writer. Okay, where can I buy your books? Oh, self-published. Not real then. More like a hobby, right? And then I think about my stories and people thinking that they know me, reading my books, and realizing that perhaps they didn't know me. The idea that they wonder how much of the things I write are from my life makes me blush. Putting my face to my books is a challenge. But why? My stories are good and it isn't my problem what people think about them or me consequently. As long as a book makes people think and feel something, the writer achieved something, I believe. If a book stirs emotions, inspires people, and makes them recommend or gift the book to friends, the achievement is even better. But to take the first step, put me out there and push the book forward, that is difficult.

How do I  describe my books in person? I am capable to describe them in my blog or posts. How do I connect my person with the stories? These books are mine, I wrote them and made them into the books they are, from the first word on the empty document on the computer screen to the synopsis on the back cover. But for some reason, the idea that people will find out that I am the one capable of such achievement makes me shrink right back into my shell, lock my lips and be quiet. Which is the opposite of what a self-published writer should be doing, right?

I am doing my books a great disservice. I don't treat them right. If they were someone else's pet, I wouldn't be booked again to look after them. I just let them exist, happy that they are here, but don't let them spread their wings and find their readers. It is the hardest part of the job. Marketing. Self-promotion. I more or less quit teaching yoga because I suck at self-promotion. I knew what I was letting myself in for when I decided to self-publish. Of course, like many, I hoped that it would somehow work out. It won't. There are so many and many books - traditional and independent - that finding your readers is very very hard work. Some people are more suited to it. They know how to communicate online, aren't afraid to go face to face, and promote themselves with ease (or know how to hide their unease). Some people can afford help.

The writer is often a loner, a daydreamer, a person who is happy to spend hours on his own, crafting his stories. Most of us struggle to take the step. Every time I open Twitter, I see lots of people that manage it in a very admirable way. There is hope. But I suck even at online friendships... 

Ideally, I would be like Elena Ferrante - produce my books and stay in the shadows. But I don't have her publishing house behind me... So, I have to be my publishing house. For now, at least.

When I dream about winning the lottery, besides the mortgage payments etc for the nearest and dearest, I see hiring a proper publishing and promotion team for my books, giving them what they deserve and what they need. Not for money or fame, but for them. To do right by them. In the meantime, I will need to adopt a more caring and progressive attitude. I will have to create an emotional distance between me and my books and apply the same energy that helped me build a little job within one year. I can do it. I know how to work. The time is right. So, why, oh why, am I so very scared?