My inbox is filled with pep talks, yet it took me almost two weeks to realize that nanowrimo started again. I did think about it every now and then but I was quite sure I will not make this year. Then I didn't even manage to remember it.
I have very fond memories of last year. Pregnant, starting to get uncomfortable if sitting for longer period of time, I wrote my 50000 words in one month. It was great. I think lots of women experience sudden spur of creativity and desire to organize stuff during their pregnancy, I had a strong urge to get on with my writing. It was a good idea. After nano I took a break in December and then, shortly before my due date, I finished a draft of my novel.
In my head, I expected to be busy once I had the baby. I thought I will need to recover after birth, get over the first weeks, slowly set some sort of routine and finally return to writing. Yes, nice thoughts indeed.
Baby is seven months old. There is no routine. When a hope for one started to appear during summer teething started and is more or less constantly present in our lives. We have times of peace when I am gathering strength and times of teething when baby is very unpredictable, needy, sleepless.....
So I am coping with running the house expect for cooking - evenings are too busy for mummy still breastfeeding. But I did bake couple of nice cakes! I do have an occasional exercise, manage to maintain simple beauty routine, but my book is still lying on the bottom of the drawer. I do hope to fit some reasonable time for writing into my routine soon, but so far even to post a blog is a challenge.
How do all the women who publish or start a business while on maternity leave do it? How do the perfectly put together mums on the street find the time? Not everybody is coping alone, some have their mothers and sisters and friends near by and it makes a big difference.
Besides writing, I am also realizing that it is a year since I joined twitter and facebook in order to keep up with nano and what was going on generally. I am as hopeless at this simplified version of communication as I am with real friendships. Again: where do all the mums find time to hang on all the networks and chat? Every couple of days (or weeks), I try to catch up with what is going on, save some interesting articles to read 'later' and very very occasionally I manage to post an update or tweet. I can not be bothered to be constantly on smart phone taping away and lots of ideas for clever funny remarks are missed, but at least I still see the world around me and don't ignore it as majority of people out there hung over their precious gadgets.
Not only do I have a pile of books to read, I also have a pile of magazines and interesting Sunday papers columns by the bed. Baby feeds for shorter periods of time which means no more long reads in the small hours. Thank goodness for i player, I can not watch TV in real time, I need to pause and do what is needed when it is needed.
In one way, I find it quite refreshing not to be up to date with what is going on in the world. Most of the things don't really matter in the day to day existence. I am locked up in a parenting bubble and see the world through the eyes of a baby who is trying to make sense of all the new things around. I find mothering rewarding and interesting. Now, at seven months, the progress is really fast, baby learns something new every day, I wouldn't want to miss it. I am as much needed as in the first weeks if not more.
Yet I would love to be able to get some me time and write again. An hour a day, nothing more. Husband goes to work and it is work, I know, and sometimes when he is leaving and I am there with a laughing baby, he seems quite jealous. Of course, he doesn't see the endless washing loads, the negotiations around house chores, and the endless feeding and nappy changing, but he doesn't understand that he does get his time out, away from it all. Even when he entertains baby in the evening he tends to come over to me and engage me, or leave the baby with me too soon because he has got some emails/calls/whatever else to do. He wants us to socialize more, I really need some ME time. He thinks I have got me time all the time.... We argue when we don't get enough sleep and rest, the arguments are over stupidest little things and don't last.
Sometimes I catch a glimpse of other mums together in coffee shops, or partners with pram and at the very moment I see them they seem so sorted and happy. I must remind myself that many people who see me with my baby assume the same, that nothing is at it seems, everybody has good and bad days, good and bad moments. Altogether my life is good. I just really need to sort out some writing time....
Tuesday, 12 November 2013
Thursday, 24 October 2013
Already???
I love Christmas. It is a very special time of a year, time to be with the loved ones, connect with those who are important to us, time to slow down and enjoy the end of the year and the beginning of the new one. Part of Christmas is decorating the home, preparing nice food, giving and receiving presents. During the weeks leading to Christmas I get the feeling that the stuff and endless spending are the most important part of the holidays and it annoys me. Comes boxing day and sales craziness (I've never been to the shops on that day, just watching it on news gives me reason not to leave the sofa), it seems the holiday is only an excuse for yet more consumption.
It usually starts right after Halloween, the shops clear the scary things and the treats and in comes the Christmas theme. With each week the pressure builds.
I thought I was used to it. It's part of the deal, retailers need to make money. But this year I feel annoyed. Only at the end of September did I walk right into a display of advent calendars placed very conveniently right against the entrance to Morrisons. As if to 'gently' remind us that before we even started autumn we should begin our count down to the spending time...
Week after that Tesco displayed first few shelves of cards and wrapping papers probably for the part of population who can not wait to wrap the presents and write some cards.
Now every year people say that Christmas produce and offers come sooner and sooner and I always thought I know how it works - January is about sales, then we have Valentine, Easter, summer stuff, Mothers' and Fathers' days thrown in between, summer sale, back to school, Halloween, Christmas... But this year is a little different and it threw me out of balance.
Why all the pressure? Retailers must know that people will spend money on Christmas, they do every year. No matter how tough the times are, people either budget or simply go crazy with their credit cards. So why can they not let us breathe and look forward to the special time of the year?
This will be our first Christmas with baby and I am looking forward to it. Baby will not be aware of anything, we have got a chance to have really great time, be together without compering what we bought . We will be lazy or have some nice long walks - depending on weather and mood. No matter what the advertisers throw at me, no matter how early in the year they start, I will not get crazy and start redecorating the house, buying bigger and better telly and zillions of useless gifts. Our food will be home cooked and our sweets will be home baked, because this is part of the celebrations. Preparations for Christmas are as great as Christmas itself, if not more. Our decorations will stay the same because they carry memories. Maybe I am not making my bit for the recovering economy but I refuse to give in to the dictate of spend spend spend and I hope I will bring up a child who doesn't measure its success with things or money. I still remember how I loved Christmas as a child and I will do my best to make this time of the year special for my child and family, but the secret is that I do not need more stuff in order to have great holidays.
It usually starts right after Halloween, the shops clear the scary things and the treats and in comes the Christmas theme. With each week the pressure builds.
I thought I was used to it. It's part of the deal, retailers need to make money. But this year I feel annoyed. Only at the end of September did I walk right into a display of advent calendars placed very conveniently right against the entrance to Morrisons. As if to 'gently' remind us that before we even started autumn we should begin our count down to the spending time...
Week after that Tesco displayed first few shelves of cards and wrapping papers probably for the part of population who can not wait to wrap the presents and write some cards.
Now every year people say that Christmas produce and offers come sooner and sooner and I always thought I know how it works - January is about sales, then we have Valentine, Easter, summer stuff, Mothers' and Fathers' days thrown in between, summer sale, back to school, Halloween, Christmas... But this year is a little different and it threw me out of balance.
Why all the pressure? Retailers must know that people will spend money on Christmas, they do every year. No matter how tough the times are, people either budget or simply go crazy with their credit cards. So why can they not let us breathe and look forward to the special time of the year?
This will be our first Christmas with baby and I am looking forward to it. Baby will not be aware of anything, we have got a chance to have really great time, be together without compering what we bought . We will be lazy or have some nice long walks - depending on weather and mood. No matter what the advertisers throw at me, no matter how early in the year they start, I will not get crazy and start redecorating the house, buying bigger and better telly and zillions of useless gifts. Our food will be home cooked and our sweets will be home baked, because this is part of the celebrations. Preparations for Christmas are as great as Christmas itself, if not more. Our decorations will stay the same because they carry memories. Maybe I am not making my bit for the recovering economy but I refuse to give in to the dictate of spend spend spend and I hope I will bring up a child who doesn't measure its success with things or money. I still remember how I loved Christmas as a child and I will do my best to make this time of the year special for my child and family, but the secret is that I do not need more stuff in order to have great holidays.
Tuesday, 1 October 2013
Week 24
Baby is 24 weeks old, we are approaching half year of our existence together and this relationship is definitely not fading. I am one big proud mother.
Speaking of mothering, I am still recovering from a visit of my mother. We didn't spend so much time together since I left home many many years ago, I time my visit at parents' place carefully, a weekend is more than enough. Mother came for a week because of baby - she never visited me in any places I lived no matter how far or close I went. We are not close, we didn't have a great relationship to start with. She brought me up but she never understood me, never tried. I never realized what she wanted from me, I just knew I wasn't the way she thought I should be.
I only started to feel as a valuable daughter once I settled with husband. That is what she always wanted: me settled with a good man. She lives a very isolated life, married for a long time, my father and her grew very dependent on one another over the years, but I wonder if they are together because they really want to. I was always proud of my independence and my achievements, she couldn't understand it. So I settled, she could understand me better, she was happy. Then I was finally married - good. Then there was my first pregnancy - even better. I miscarried and paradoxically the person I wanted to call first was my mother even though she never helped me in any of my crisis before. But after the loss of a baby she understood, it is women thing, the time we need one another. I couldn't get pregnant for a long time and the feeling of connection and approval faded again. She couldn't understand that I wanted a child but didn't insist on having one, in my opinion life was still worth living even without being a mother, she thought I should have go for medical assistance few months after the miscarriage. I don't know if it is a generation thing or if women in general tend to blame themselves but all the time she assumed my miscarriage happened because of something I have done and I wasn't getting pregnant because something was wrong with me.
Once she found out about my second pregnancy she was happy as never before and so proud. And now she is the happiest grandmother, so happy that she even made her first big trip overseas by a plane. That is the power of my baby.
So there she was suddenly in my home very out of her element. She is used to rule her little world, dad pretty much complies with the rules she creates (he wasn't allowed to come with her as her kingdom must be well looked after and a week is too long to leave it unattended) and suddenly she is here, I am the lady of the house and I don't rule, I exist. I leave husband to do his own thing, I don't plan meals in advance, I don't do things the way she does. We do trips and I breastfeed in public which shocks her, we are showing her England and the culture and she keeps explaining to me how she does things and clearly can not understand that it will not change my (or whole of England) ways. She expected me to still feel weak from childbirth (she had kids in her twenties, everyone did back then so I am a geriatric mother in her eyes, no matter how healthy and strong I obviously am), spending time at home, so our itinerary shocks her but she becomes a very keen tourist and observer. She makes me so proud!
There is a woman who, long ago, chose to be unhappy. She seems to look for the negatives on everything. I was constantly told how I should arrange the house and the garden, how the food could be cooked differently, how I should feed, bath and care for baby, my wardrobe was one big disapproval, too. She didn't want to see that the way we are and do things suit our family, that the way we deal with baby clearly works for us all. Maybe she suffered from the 'passing on knowledge symptom' but we never did that so why to start now?
She kept talking about her many many illnesses and issues, health problems are big part of her life. She collects illnesses like people collect stamps, she even seems disappointed when she doesn't have something that other people she knows have. She assumed I know most or all of her diagnoses since she mentioned them in the past but I lost count long ago. So I fed her all the things that were supposed to potentially kill her and yet nothing have happened. She clearly can digest garlic, dairy, strawberries and nuts and she clearly survives without exact meal times, checking of blood pressure three times a day and all kinds of herbal teas. But she did bring half of pharmacy with her, even the special pills case with compartments for each day of the week. She held to it like people hold to good luck charms. Long car drives didn't make her uncomfortable and she doesn't suffer from insomnia because I could hear her snoring every night. Observing my mother, a stranger in a way, made me think that happiness is our own choice. No matter how hard life is we make the choice how we deal with what comes our way. I deal with troubles when they approach me. She looks for them and sometimes goes out of her way to find them. Why is she like this I will never know.
So husband and I listened to her lists of possible improvements which will never happen and we heard how she does things or how she did things when I was a baby. We tried our best to accommodate her, to make her first big trip special and at the end we took her to the airport, and she was visibly twitching to be back in her own little world, to rule again. We were looking forward being our own little unit again with all the chaos that suits us. She saw her first grandchild and it made her very happy. Me and her didn't get any closer, didn't gain any understanding of one another which was to be expected and I am fine with it. I don't know if she is because we don't discuss feelings in our family - she knows exactly how we feel and explains it to us - one of the reason I left our family home early and traveled far...
Oh dear, I hope that the saying about women becoming replicas of their mothers is not true..... On the other hand, if I had a great mum who was my best friend, I would probably not be so keen to go, see the world, be adventurous, live life to the full, be independent. I might have wanted to stay close to her and everything would be different. So whether she wanted or not she made me who I am and there is a good chance that she is secretly proud of it.
Speaking of mothering, I am still recovering from a visit of my mother. We didn't spend so much time together since I left home many many years ago, I time my visit at parents' place carefully, a weekend is more than enough. Mother came for a week because of baby - she never visited me in any places I lived no matter how far or close I went. We are not close, we didn't have a great relationship to start with. She brought me up but she never understood me, never tried. I never realized what she wanted from me, I just knew I wasn't the way she thought I should be.
I only started to feel as a valuable daughter once I settled with husband. That is what she always wanted: me settled with a good man. She lives a very isolated life, married for a long time, my father and her grew very dependent on one another over the years, but I wonder if they are together because they really want to. I was always proud of my independence and my achievements, she couldn't understand it. So I settled, she could understand me better, she was happy. Then I was finally married - good. Then there was my first pregnancy - even better. I miscarried and paradoxically the person I wanted to call first was my mother even though she never helped me in any of my crisis before. But after the loss of a baby she understood, it is women thing, the time we need one another. I couldn't get pregnant for a long time and the feeling of connection and approval faded again. She couldn't understand that I wanted a child but didn't insist on having one, in my opinion life was still worth living even without being a mother, she thought I should have go for medical assistance few months after the miscarriage. I don't know if it is a generation thing or if women in general tend to blame themselves but all the time she assumed my miscarriage happened because of something I have done and I wasn't getting pregnant because something was wrong with me.
Once she found out about my second pregnancy she was happy as never before and so proud. And now she is the happiest grandmother, so happy that she even made her first big trip overseas by a plane. That is the power of my baby.
So there she was suddenly in my home very out of her element. She is used to rule her little world, dad pretty much complies with the rules she creates (he wasn't allowed to come with her as her kingdom must be well looked after and a week is too long to leave it unattended) and suddenly she is here, I am the lady of the house and I don't rule, I exist. I leave husband to do his own thing, I don't plan meals in advance, I don't do things the way she does. We do trips and I breastfeed in public which shocks her, we are showing her England and the culture and she keeps explaining to me how she does things and clearly can not understand that it will not change my (or whole of England) ways. She expected me to still feel weak from childbirth (she had kids in her twenties, everyone did back then so I am a geriatric mother in her eyes, no matter how healthy and strong I obviously am), spending time at home, so our itinerary shocks her but she becomes a very keen tourist and observer. She makes me so proud!
There is a woman who, long ago, chose to be unhappy. She seems to look for the negatives on everything. I was constantly told how I should arrange the house and the garden, how the food could be cooked differently, how I should feed, bath and care for baby, my wardrobe was one big disapproval, too. She didn't want to see that the way we are and do things suit our family, that the way we deal with baby clearly works for us all. Maybe she suffered from the 'passing on knowledge symptom' but we never did that so why to start now?
She kept talking about her many many illnesses and issues, health problems are big part of her life. She collects illnesses like people collect stamps, she even seems disappointed when she doesn't have something that other people she knows have. She assumed I know most or all of her diagnoses since she mentioned them in the past but I lost count long ago. So I fed her all the things that were supposed to potentially kill her and yet nothing have happened. She clearly can digest garlic, dairy, strawberries and nuts and she clearly survives without exact meal times, checking of blood pressure three times a day and all kinds of herbal teas. But she did bring half of pharmacy with her, even the special pills case with compartments for each day of the week. She held to it like people hold to good luck charms. Long car drives didn't make her uncomfortable and she doesn't suffer from insomnia because I could hear her snoring every night. Observing my mother, a stranger in a way, made me think that happiness is our own choice. No matter how hard life is we make the choice how we deal with what comes our way. I deal with troubles when they approach me. She looks for them and sometimes goes out of her way to find them. Why is she like this I will never know.
So husband and I listened to her lists of possible improvements which will never happen and we heard how she does things or how she did things when I was a baby. We tried our best to accommodate her, to make her first big trip special and at the end we took her to the airport, and she was visibly twitching to be back in her own little world, to rule again. We were looking forward being our own little unit again with all the chaos that suits us. She saw her first grandchild and it made her very happy. Me and her didn't get any closer, didn't gain any understanding of one another which was to be expected and I am fine with it. I don't know if she is because we don't discuss feelings in our family - she knows exactly how we feel and explains it to us - one of the reason I left our family home early and traveled far...
Oh dear, I hope that the saying about women becoming replicas of their mothers is not true..... On the other hand, if I had a great mum who was my best friend, I would probably not be so keen to go, see the world, be adventurous, live life to the full, be independent. I might have wanted to stay close to her and everything would be different. So whether she wanted or not she made me who I am and there is a good chance that she is secretly proud of it.
Tuesday, 27 August 2013
Nappy here, nappy there, nappy everywhere
My life evolves around nappies. Do they need change/wash/ collect/ fold/ put on/ take off... Nappies. I like my terry nappies. I mainly use basic terry nappies, sometimes a muslin square or a bamboo nappy. We learned how to fold them so they sit comfortably, I wash them every 2 - 3 days, they dry easily, especially since we got our outdoor drier (the best thing we ever bought, seriously), they are perfect. My friends believe they are high maintenance but they are not. There is lots of laundry to do when we have a baby anyway, so the extra load every couple of days is nothing special. Some people asked me if baby suffers from nappy rash and I can say that so far we had no problems at all. Not even in the hot weather that we had this year. Years ago, when paper nappies were not a mainstream thing, when babies had nappy rash mothers were advised to use fabric nappies for a while. Nowadays thanks to powerful marketing it is the opposite: old fashion nappies are believed to cause it. Well, they don't, they are great and I feel good about consuming less, saving the environment and saving money. Having a baby is quite expensive anyway, however easy I am trying to make it.
And when explosive nappy emergency comes, no nappy will prevent it. Poo will get everywhere...
I had three so called s**t emergencies last week:
No1 - Baby was lying on its bouncy chair while I took a load of washed nappies out to dry. Baby was quiet and I thought proudly how my dear baby is growing. Only last week my escape to the garden to put the washing to dry was met with screams from the house. I finished outside, came in and saw a very happy baby on the chair. A suspiciously happy baby if you ask me. Baby lifted its leg and then I saw it: mustardy poo was overflowing from the nappy onto the nappy pants, dress, leg and even the chair. Baby looked very proud indeed. So I untangled it from the chair and holding it away from me hoping nothing more will spill I quickly moved upstairs and started the cleaning process. All that baby was wearing plus the towel it was lying on plus the chair cover needed to go for a wash (didn't I just finish a load? How am I supposed to be eco-friendly and wash only when I have got a full load? Well it was a full one, full of s**t I mean....). When I returned upstairs I found my child lying naked on the plastic changing mat swimming in wee. I didn't expect that. Where is all the waste coming from? So I quickly fetched a clean towel, wiped the still very happy baby and prepared a bath.
No 2 - Baby lies on the changing mat, this time on a towel. I take its clothes off to wash and change it for the day. I go to the closet to pick up an outfit, muse about how beautiful day we have and before I can pick anything I hear a familiar farting sound. I turn around to see my baby pooing happily on the edge of the mat. If it moved a centimeter it would shoot onto the carpet - lucky me. I quickly run to the baby so I prevent it from swimming in its poo or putting its hand in it - very lucky and I saved one nappy! So here we go, lets run a bath..
No 3 - What is better on a beautiful bank holiday weekend than a picnic? We are enjoying a possibly last summer picnic with our friends, sitting on a blanket near a river, sunbathing, I am breastfeeding, embodiment of an earth mother herself. Baby feeds nicely, then it farts once, twice.. It doesn't sound too suspicious so I don't want to disturb the feed. Moments later I want to adjust baby's position and as I slide my hand down I feel something warm on my fingers. I lift my hand and see the familiar mustardy consistency on my fingers. 'S**t emergency!' I call to my husband who has got a beer in his hand which he is unable/unwilling to put down and risk spilling so it takes all four of us to get the baby of my lap, spread out the changing mat and start the recovery mission. While we fuss around, the passing by dog walkers seem very amused, some of them probably congratulating themselves that they decided to have a dog instead of a baby and thus prevented their brains from melting because how difficult can it be to change a nappy? How difficult indeed....
Just to be clear: most of my nappy changes are very smooth and uneventful occasions. To be so lucky three days in a row is hopefully only a coincidence.
And when explosive nappy emergency comes, no nappy will prevent it. Poo will get everywhere...
I had three so called s**t emergencies last week:
No1 - Baby was lying on its bouncy chair while I took a load of washed nappies out to dry. Baby was quiet and I thought proudly how my dear baby is growing. Only last week my escape to the garden to put the washing to dry was met with screams from the house. I finished outside, came in and saw a very happy baby on the chair. A suspiciously happy baby if you ask me. Baby lifted its leg and then I saw it: mustardy poo was overflowing from the nappy onto the nappy pants, dress, leg and even the chair. Baby looked very proud indeed. So I untangled it from the chair and holding it away from me hoping nothing more will spill I quickly moved upstairs and started the cleaning process. All that baby was wearing plus the towel it was lying on plus the chair cover needed to go for a wash (didn't I just finish a load? How am I supposed to be eco-friendly and wash only when I have got a full load? Well it was a full one, full of s**t I mean....). When I returned upstairs I found my child lying naked on the plastic changing mat swimming in wee. I didn't expect that. Where is all the waste coming from? So I quickly fetched a clean towel, wiped the still very happy baby and prepared a bath.
No 2 - Baby lies on the changing mat, this time on a towel. I take its clothes off to wash and change it for the day. I go to the closet to pick up an outfit, muse about how beautiful day we have and before I can pick anything I hear a familiar farting sound. I turn around to see my baby pooing happily on the edge of the mat. If it moved a centimeter it would shoot onto the carpet - lucky me. I quickly run to the baby so I prevent it from swimming in its poo or putting its hand in it - very lucky and I saved one nappy! So here we go, lets run a bath..
No 3 - What is better on a beautiful bank holiday weekend than a picnic? We are enjoying a possibly last summer picnic with our friends, sitting on a blanket near a river, sunbathing, I am breastfeeding, embodiment of an earth mother herself. Baby feeds nicely, then it farts once, twice.. It doesn't sound too suspicious so I don't want to disturb the feed. Moments later I want to adjust baby's position and as I slide my hand down I feel something warm on my fingers. I lift my hand and see the familiar mustardy consistency on my fingers. 'S**t emergency!' I call to my husband who has got a beer in his hand which he is unable/unwilling to put down and risk spilling so it takes all four of us to get the baby of my lap, spread out the changing mat and start the recovery mission. While we fuss around, the passing by dog walkers seem very amused, some of them probably congratulating themselves that they decided to have a dog instead of a baby and thus prevented their brains from melting because how difficult can it be to change a nappy? How difficult indeed....
Just to be clear: most of my nappy changes are very smooth and uneventful occasions. To be so lucky three days in a row is hopefully only a coincidence.
Tuesday, 20 August 2013
The Art of Survival
Having baby made me a survivor. First I survived labour. I had a nice pregnancy, felt very prepared for my baby to be born, wasn't afraid and waited and waited and waited.... And then came the induction, the labour itself, the doctors and forceps and the biggest pain ever. But with it came great happiness and I survived.
Then I went on surviving not sleeping, constant breast feeding, cracked nipples, frustrated baby, growth spurts, mastitis, thrush, sore back, sore hips, sore everything and my new life, the new role, the new me - very much not me, just extension of the baby.
During last month I survived visits of my father in law, visit of my mother (that's the biggest surprise of all: that she came and that I survived it) and my husband and I are still surviving teething with second wave of non-sleeping.
We built up some sort of routine, baby slept much better but then came the tooth, and the next one... So we have got a light sleeper who hates day time naps, feeds a lot and grows teeth sooner than usual. And we (I) have to cope with it. I am in survival mode for most of this year. I am finding it difficult to put my thoughts and experiences into sentences. Baby isn't very happy about sharing me with my computer and writing. I carry on trying my best.
Husband and I bicker much more, we are both busy. I am full time mother, he is busy at work plus helping around. I didn't cook a meal since early April - evenings are about feeding for the night. But we do eat by the dining table again, as a family, with baby on his or my lap overseeing us. Our baby loves to socialize. Last weekend we hosted a barbeque and baby went from one arms to the next, bathing in affection. 'Does baby ever cry?' People asked me, jealous if they were mums of young kids themselves.
'Just come over when I am home alone, you will see.'
Baby cries when I try to put it down for a nap or for a sleep that it obviously needs. It cries when left alone while I am doing some home work or dare to visit bathroom. Baby knows what it wants and how to demand it. And I am getting better and better at surviving. Baby is a great personality and makes me immensely proud and happy, but there are moments when I wonder how do I manage and how will I manage, how much longer can I go on like this? But then again, lets see how far we came already. I am clearly better at surviving than I thought!!!!
Then I went on surviving not sleeping, constant breast feeding, cracked nipples, frustrated baby, growth spurts, mastitis, thrush, sore back, sore hips, sore everything and my new life, the new role, the new me - very much not me, just extension of the baby.
During last month I survived visits of my father in law, visit of my mother (that's the biggest surprise of all: that she came and that I survived it) and my husband and I are still surviving teething with second wave of non-sleeping.
We built up some sort of routine, baby slept much better but then came the tooth, and the next one... So we have got a light sleeper who hates day time naps, feeds a lot and grows teeth sooner than usual. And we (I) have to cope with it. I am in survival mode for most of this year. I am finding it difficult to put my thoughts and experiences into sentences. Baby isn't very happy about sharing me with my computer and writing. I carry on trying my best.
Husband and I bicker much more, we are both busy. I am full time mother, he is busy at work plus helping around. I didn't cook a meal since early April - evenings are about feeding for the night. But we do eat by the dining table again, as a family, with baby on his or my lap overseeing us. Our baby loves to socialize. Last weekend we hosted a barbeque and baby went from one arms to the next, bathing in affection. 'Does baby ever cry?' People asked me, jealous if they were mums of young kids themselves.
'Just come over when I am home alone, you will see.'
Baby cries when I try to put it down for a nap or for a sleep that it obviously needs. It cries when left alone while I am doing some home work or dare to visit bathroom. Baby knows what it wants and how to demand it. And I am getting better and better at surviving. Baby is a great personality and makes me immensely proud and happy, but there are moments when I wonder how do I manage and how will I manage, how much longer can I go on like this? But then again, lets see how far we came already. I am clearly better at surviving than I thought!!!!
Monday, 22 July 2013
The Art of Napping
My baby is having a day time nap! It happens once every couple of weeks - like a full moon. What to do with myself? Have a nap as I should myself? Do my hair or nails - finally! Write a blog? Make a cup of tea and follow twitter feed about royal baby? Oh, Kate, my thoughts are with you. Hope it will go well and you will enjoy motherhood. Hope you will not feel cheated that nobody warned you about all the things that happen once the baby arrives.
Baby fell a sleep at 1.30, I put it in the cot and started fixing my hair. It was the first time I would have nice wavy locks in about 5 months. I thought what color will I paint my toes. It will be second time I painted them in about 6 months.
At 1.50 there is a massive scream coming out of the cot. Baby just realized it was having the nap and got pissed off with itself for allowing it and with me for supporting the ridiculous idea. Baby hates naps! It fights off the night sleep for as long as it can, too. Husband and I hope that our baby is a genius in waiting as we read that very clever people need less sleep than the rest of us.
I calmed the pissed of baby and had to feed again. Growing spurt? Day feeds are not even an hour apart. Could be growing spurt, could be comfort (brace yourself duchess... but you will probably have plenty of helping hands around). The disturbed night sleep might indicate a growing spurt, too, as baby rewards busy days with some good night sleep, but not in the last two days.
Anyway, baby felt asleep again at the end of the feed, so I am waiting if it is another mistake in waiting or if I am in for a real treat. My hair is in rollers and I am going for french manicure on my toes! Yes! I still wouldn't dare to paint my hands, though. Apparently Beyonce had mani-pedi and her hair done for labor. I saw a documentary about her and was fascinated with her mother making sure her rollers were holding while she was in a hospital bed. Really??? Is Kate's hairdresser present now?
I scrambled my sweaty locks into a bun while pushing and puffing and didn't even dream about matching nail color, I gave up painting my toenails weeks before my due date due to discomfort.
Baby's asleep for half an hour, twitching occasionally. Am I in for a treat? I will only know too late. I am so glad I don't have to run around in the heat with a pram, trying to entertain baby! Will I be able to finish this post and paint the white tips on my toes?
Babies don't come with manuals and I can not plan my days. I am not sure how much time I will have for myself today but I am very sure I will not spend the time doing house work. Husband doesn't have to know, but he will be suspicious - if he notices my toenails and my nice hair of course. Men are wonderfully clueless when it comes to these things. Luckily, he wouldn't notice that I cleaned the windows, too, so I can skip the home work and pamper myself.
Baby does allow me to do the chores if it is in a good mood and allowed to watch and I am keeping contact while working. I put baby on a vibrating chair which offers good views, put it on a floor where it can see me and go on with cleaning while maintaining eye contact and bursting into songs and dance occasionally. If it works, I can clean the house like that. Sometimes I have to hoover with baby in a sling which is a good workout. Considering that I stopped loosing weight I take it as a bonus workout. Because working out is one thing baby doesn't like at all. When I try to exercise baby is not having any of it, even if I try the eye contact and entertainment going on. Strange. Clean my home but forget about doing something for yourself only, mother! Yes, I could exercise right now, but sitting down with a cup of tea and a computer is somehow much more exciting. Let me go on with the french toenails now.... I almost forgot how to do it and my nail polishes seem quite dry. I wonder why.
Baby fell a sleep at 1.30, I put it in the cot and started fixing my hair. It was the first time I would have nice wavy locks in about 5 months. I thought what color will I paint my toes. It will be second time I painted them in about 6 months.
At 1.50 there is a massive scream coming out of the cot. Baby just realized it was having the nap and got pissed off with itself for allowing it and with me for supporting the ridiculous idea. Baby hates naps! It fights off the night sleep for as long as it can, too. Husband and I hope that our baby is a genius in waiting as we read that very clever people need less sleep than the rest of us.
I calmed the pissed of baby and had to feed again. Growing spurt? Day feeds are not even an hour apart. Could be growing spurt, could be comfort (brace yourself duchess... but you will probably have plenty of helping hands around). The disturbed night sleep might indicate a growing spurt, too, as baby rewards busy days with some good night sleep, but not in the last two days.
Anyway, baby felt asleep again at the end of the feed, so I am waiting if it is another mistake in waiting or if I am in for a real treat. My hair is in rollers and I am going for french manicure on my toes! Yes! I still wouldn't dare to paint my hands, though. Apparently Beyonce had mani-pedi and her hair done for labor. I saw a documentary about her and was fascinated with her mother making sure her rollers were holding while she was in a hospital bed. Really??? Is Kate's hairdresser present now?
I scrambled my sweaty locks into a bun while pushing and puffing and didn't even dream about matching nail color, I gave up painting my toenails weeks before my due date due to discomfort.
Baby's asleep for half an hour, twitching occasionally. Am I in for a treat? I will only know too late. I am so glad I don't have to run around in the heat with a pram, trying to entertain baby! Will I be able to finish this post and paint the white tips on my toes?
Babies don't come with manuals and I can not plan my days. I am not sure how much time I will have for myself today but I am very sure I will not spend the time doing house work. Husband doesn't have to know, but he will be suspicious - if he notices my toenails and my nice hair of course. Men are wonderfully clueless when it comes to these things. Luckily, he wouldn't notice that I cleaned the windows, too, so I can skip the home work and pamper myself.
Baby does allow me to do the chores if it is in a good mood and allowed to watch and I am keeping contact while working. I put baby on a vibrating chair which offers good views, put it on a floor where it can see me and go on with cleaning while maintaining eye contact and bursting into songs and dance occasionally. If it works, I can clean the house like that. Sometimes I have to hoover with baby in a sling which is a good workout. Considering that I stopped loosing weight I take it as a bonus workout. Because working out is one thing baby doesn't like at all. When I try to exercise baby is not having any of it, even if I try the eye contact and entertainment going on. Strange. Clean my home but forget about doing something for yourself only, mother! Yes, I could exercise right now, but sitting down with a cup of tea and a computer is somehow much more exciting. Let me go on with the french toenails now.... I almost forgot how to do it and my nail polishes seem quite dry. I wonder why.
Saturday, 13 July 2013
The First Quarter
Baby is three months old, a quarter of a year - that's how long I am a mum. Before that I was pregnant, so 2013 is all about the new me. I am a new person.
ONE thing could be added to the long section of: why did nobody tell me? - my general shocks about motherhood. After the overload of information regarding pregnancy and labour I still feel like I am left in the dark. Last week I found out that mastitis can come back even to people like me with good established breastfeeding. My baby feeds well and grows like magic. And we can now be one of the smug parents who announce that their child sleeps through the night. Well, most nights, we had some issues probably due to the hot weather. But for many nights in the last 3 weeks my baby would fall a sleep between 10 and 11 and sleep till about 5. Miracle. I can not describe how I felt when it happened the first night. And sometimes baby can even add an extra nap between 6 and 9 but again, it can change due to the hot weather or general mood.
So I would wake up around 5 with heavy lactating breasts and wet top. And then, last Friday - on a very hot day - I woke up with fever, feeling achy and with tender left breast. I knew straight away what was going on, I had the same symptoms when baby was 2 weeks old and we were still learning how to breastfeed properly. But now baby feeds like a dream, there are no issues with latching, no stress. Yet thanks to the long sleep my body needs to adjust and clearly it didn't adjust straight away. I would expect it to happen in the first days not after few weeks of sleep. So what am I to do? I can not wake up without my baby waking me. I could express extra milk during the day (if there was any, we feed a lot during the day though) but how can a woman who haven't slept in moths wake up without a baby being hungry?
I did manage to put myself together. Luckily it was weekend and husband had to step up and help a lot. He wasn't very happy about it, he hoped to watch all of the sports and do some gardening but he was asked to do the changing and entertaining and walks plus the cooking and tiding up. I realized how much I actually do in the day. He assumed baby will be interested in sitting on his lap watching Top Gear while he has a beer. Well, not really Daddy!
I am fine again and hope that mastitis is gone for good. We are enjoying the summer and as I listen to the great expectations of the royal baby, I think about the past three months and I am glad they are over. I am glad my baby is getting bigger and its needs are changing. I am still pretty busy but I have got a clue, I am not afraid of handling the baby, I know how to feed, change and bath and my baby is finally used to the big world and enjoys exploring it. Newborns are cute and so innocent but they are very hard work. Sure, Kate will have enough people around for help and support, but she will also have to get used to herself, her new body and new persona. Three months after the birth I feel I am getting in touch with my new body and new me. I will not go back to pre-baby me, but I fell like a person again and I have a great sense of achievement. I am busy, but finally not too busy to notice I am happy.
ONE thing could be added to the long section of: why did nobody tell me? - my general shocks about motherhood. After the overload of information regarding pregnancy and labour I still feel like I am left in the dark. Last week I found out that mastitis can come back even to people like me with good established breastfeeding. My baby feeds well and grows like magic. And we can now be one of the smug parents who announce that their child sleeps through the night. Well, most nights, we had some issues probably due to the hot weather. But for many nights in the last 3 weeks my baby would fall a sleep between 10 and 11 and sleep till about 5. Miracle. I can not describe how I felt when it happened the first night. And sometimes baby can even add an extra nap between 6 and 9 but again, it can change due to the hot weather or general mood.
So I would wake up around 5 with heavy lactating breasts and wet top. And then, last Friday - on a very hot day - I woke up with fever, feeling achy and with tender left breast. I knew straight away what was going on, I had the same symptoms when baby was 2 weeks old and we were still learning how to breastfeed properly. But now baby feeds like a dream, there are no issues with latching, no stress. Yet thanks to the long sleep my body needs to adjust and clearly it didn't adjust straight away. I would expect it to happen in the first days not after few weeks of sleep. So what am I to do? I can not wake up without my baby waking me. I could express extra milk during the day (if there was any, we feed a lot during the day though) but how can a woman who haven't slept in moths wake up without a baby being hungry?
I did manage to put myself together. Luckily it was weekend and husband had to step up and help a lot. He wasn't very happy about it, he hoped to watch all of the sports and do some gardening but he was asked to do the changing and entertaining and walks plus the cooking and tiding up. I realized how much I actually do in the day. He assumed baby will be interested in sitting on his lap watching Top Gear while he has a beer. Well, not really Daddy!
I am fine again and hope that mastitis is gone for good. We are enjoying the summer and as I listen to the great expectations of the royal baby, I think about the past three months and I am glad they are over. I am glad my baby is getting bigger and its needs are changing. I am still pretty busy but I have got a clue, I am not afraid of handling the baby, I know how to feed, change and bath and my baby is finally used to the big world and enjoys exploring it. Newborns are cute and so innocent but they are very hard work. Sure, Kate will have enough people around for help and support, but she will also have to get used to herself, her new body and new persona. Three months after the birth I feel I am getting in touch with my new body and new me. I will not go back to pre-baby me, but I fell like a person again and I have a great sense of achievement. I am busy, but finally not too busy to notice I am happy.
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