I am a writer. Every day, as I edit my fourth book, I see it as a reminder of the fact. I wrapped Edit 3 on the morning of Summer Solstice - how very special. This year, I have a rhythm and structure. I need it because I also have a day job. So finding time to work on my books (important but brings no money) has to fit into work (money) and housework (no money but I am also a house elf or ex-housewife if you wish), is a challenge. Plus dear child who mustn't be forgotten, and my yoga practice which is a part of me and can't be pushed aside, and my general well-being. Luckily, yoga and books are my hobbies and I have no friends. I also love being out, but my job sorts that out for me. I can somehow fit most of the things I see as necessary to do into my day.
I am freelancing, therefore I don't know how busy I will be and how much money I will earn, but to be working again, properly, is beautiful. And I talk about it endlessly. Whoever asks, I rattle on about dog walking, caring for animals, doing special courses on dog behaviour, etc. I am happy when I am with animals and the more I meet, the more I learn and the better I am. While out and about with them, I can think, I can talk without much worry and no dreaded small talk that I just can't do. They don't care.
The interesting thing is, I have been a writer for much longer than I am a dog walker and pet sitter. Yet I am not as able to start singing praise to my writing profession as I am to the 'official' one. When I stand by the school gates with my dog walking belt still attached (because when out and about, you need stuff at hand and free hands, too), muddy boots, and happy expression, I will happily chat about where I've been, what I've seen, etc. I will discuss dogs and their peculiarities. Cats and their moods. Little pets and their habits. I will go to meet pet owners, talk about what I can do, and be at ease. And I love it. This job is ideal, it has the right amount of interaction for an introvert and is a good prospect for a reliable person like me. People need this service and when they see that you treat their very important pet well, they will stay with you and you develop a working pattern. And you keep learning. And you can become something more but still be your own boss.
However, in the morning I arrive at the school gate after a session of writing (or an outline for writing to be done later in the day when other things take my time in the morning). The writer's 'hat' is not as easy to spot. As a title, it isn't as straightforward. I am a writer. Okay, where can I buy your books? Oh, self-published. Not real then. More like a hobby, right? And then I think about my stories and people thinking that they know me, reading my books, and realizing that perhaps they didn't know me. The idea that they wonder how much of the things I write are from my life makes me blush. Putting my face to my books is a challenge. But why? My stories are good and it isn't my problem what people think about them or me consequently. As long as a book makes people think and feel something, the writer achieved something, I believe. If a book stirs emotions, inspires people, and makes them recommend or gift the book to friends, the achievement is even better. But to take the first step, put me out there and push the book forward, that is difficult.
How do I describe my books in person? I am capable to describe them in my blog or posts. How do I connect my person with the stories? These books are mine, I wrote them and made them into the books they are, from the first word on the empty document on the computer screen to the synopsis on the back cover. But for some reason, the idea that people will find out that I am the one capable of such achievement makes me shrink right back into my shell, lock my lips and be quiet. Which is the opposite of what a self-published writer should be doing, right?
I am doing my books a great disservice. I don't treat them right. If they were someone else's pet, I wouldn't be booked again to look after them. I just let them exist, happy that they are here, but don't let them spread their wings and find their readers. It is the hardest part of the job. Marketing. Self-promotion. I more or less quit teaching yoga because I suck at self-promotion. I knew what I was letting myself in for when I decided to self-publish. Of course, like many, I hoped that it would somehow work out. It won't. There are so many and many books - traditional and independent - that finding your readers is very very hard work. Some people are more suited to it. They know how to communicate online, aren't afraid to go face to face, and promote themselves with ease (or know how to hide their unease). Some people can afford help.
The writer is often a loner, a daydreamer, a person who is happy to spend hours on his own, crafting his stories. Most of us struggle to take the step. Every time I open Twitter, I see lots of people that manage it in a very admirable way. There is hope. But I suck even at online friendships...
Ideally, I would be like Elena Ferrante - produce my books and stay in the shadows. But I don't have her publishing house behind me... So, I have to be my publishing house. For now, at least.
When I dream about winning the lottery, besides the mortgage payments etc for the nearest and dearest, I see hiring a proper publishing and promotion team for my books, giving them what they deserve and what they need. Not for money or fame, but for them. To do right by them. In the meantime, I will need to adopt a more caring and progressive attitude. I will have to create an emotional distance between me and my books and apply the same energy that helped me build a little job within one year. I can do it. I know how to work. The time is right. So, why, oh why, am I so very scared?
