How I Look on Paper

 Looking for a part time job can be soul destroying, especially if you don't fit into easy category regarding experience or education. I've spent most of the year dreaming about starting my business, taking slow, tentative steps, and at the same time delaying any real action. My last trip into the self-employed/living the dream world had made me a little bit unsure. Sure, I was good at what I did, but I saw my limits - mainly being very bad at marketing, self-promotion, keeping in touch, networking, small talk etc. Add a couple of year of housewifing, which doesn't help with any of these skills, unless you are lucky and really manage to meet friends for life in ante natal classes and future business partners in a playground.

Many things have changed for us this month. Husband is out of job, hopefully not for long, but it doesn't make me feel very confident. Instead of taking it slow, I feel that I need to be the one to step up, make a change, turn things around. Considering that he is now very available for the school run, it even feels tempting being out of the house more. But...

After careful attempts to spruce up my CV and applying for part time jobs, I may have no other option than to dip my toes in the self-employment pool again. My history is chaotic and sketchy, there are gaps, and most of all, the last years are filled with only one job title: homemaker. Or housewife, if you wish. And that puts people off, I think. Why are mothers discarded so easily? I see that most jobs are looking for flexibility, but at least ask me how I plan to organize my childcare and school run. Otherwise, why can't we elaborate on those 'lost years' at home? It isn't about sitting on the sofa watching daytime telly. Motherhood makes us dedicated and loyal (even to a very unreasonable little person prone to tantrums). We know how to compromise, find solutions, think and react quickly, negotiate, improvise, and health and safety is basically our second nature. We are punctual and keep our word. We are great communicators. We can work super quickly, see mess behind a corner, are quick learners, and hard workers. We schedule, budget, plan, keep paperwork and bills in order. We like to get things done and are very no nonsense kind of people.

So, yes, we have commitments and sometimes will need time off because ear infection can come out of nowhere, but when we are at work, we are at work and that is that. And we plan ahead. So, why can't we just get a chance, why are we dismissed before even an interview? Considering the advancing pension age and the way we live now, women in their forties surely aren't considered old?

Previously, I worked in a restaurant, and I would take a part time mother over a student or a fresh graduate any time, because there would be less of a chance that they wouldn't show off on an early morning because they were sleeping off a gig they went to last night. A parent would drag herself out of bed and go to the shift no matter how badly the night went. Because we did it since day one with a new baby. And there is much smaller risk of a sudden urge to backpack through Asia for a year, starting a new degree in a different city, getting pregnant and not able to work due to morning sickness, or non stop whatsapping our latest crash.

It is ironic that finding random employment in my twenties was much easier, when I was drifting around the world, fancying to stay somewhere, and starting work on a handshake. It was easier to work without proper paperwork and permanent address, in a foreign place, then it is now, when I am an established part of society with all required documents. Because now I am supposed to present endless enthusiasm for shelf filling in a supermarket, I suppose. And the outlook is different. Years ago, I was invincible, confident, and knew that things will work out. Now, I think about my child, about bills, about all our commitments, and have become accustomed to random 2 a.m. thoughts. I could be wherever with last hundred dollars in my back pocket twenty years ago, and I would still enjoy an undisturbed sleep in the night. Nowadays, I overthink stuff way too much and doubt myself.

Self-employment is calling, I can hear it in the distance. I wanted to find a job, get going, have a task, not having to worry about anything else. It may not be for me, in the end. Most likely, I don't fit the idea of a model employee on paper. I hoped that I could start making money straight away, because our circumstances are changing and I am worried. After many years of being always here, manning the house front, it looked good to have a chance to go out and do something else than school run, shopping, cleaning, laundry. I would still have to find time to do these, plus the things I love, but I would have to fit it around everything else. It seems that I will have to make it on my own. That may be better - no CV to update, no shifts to figure out. It may take much more time and energy, bring more sleepless nights, but why not? I just have to be brave. And figure out some path that requires minimal self-promotion and marketing... Fingers crossed.

Milestones

                                     

 My child's birthdays are special, of course they are. In anticipation, while child is dropping hints about favourite toys, reminding me how well school is going, and asking for cakes that look like mermaids/cats/princesses/unicorns/whatever else, I always go back to the last days of pregnancy. I always remember the due date, two weeks before the birthday, the anticipation of the day, the feeling of 'what now?'  when it became obvious that nothing will happen. I remember the heaviness and how impossible it was to sleep properly. I remember tiredness, wishing for a few hours without discomfort, just to dose off and sleep properly, deeply. Without waking up for every turn. Without the little legs stretching against my ribcage. Without the tip of my sternum seeming very much out of place.

As I marvel about how my child is growing, I remember the endless time in the hospital, where we had to go for a check up to make sure that we can wait for the labour to start. Just a quick check up, the midwife said. Right. There is not such thing as quick hospital visit, not in an average NHS hospital. I always remember how tired I was getting and the decision to get induced was mainly out of concern that I wouldn't have any energy left in the end. Which I hadn't.

The day before the birthday, when child's anticipation is at the highest (presents!!!), I always think back about the stay at the hospital and the fun that is induction... And I get flashbacks of the endless, painful process of getting that child out. And how grumpy that child looked, when she finally emerged and landed on my stomach. And how I didn't get to sleep again, even though labour was done, but I was looking after a little human that didn't rest inside me anymore....

I look at my child, the way she plays and the way she is and think about my own childhood, so different and faraway. This is a different world. My child is an online native and prefers to watch people on You Tube playing with dolls from actual playing, whereas I spent hours inventing stories and acting them out with toys and dolls. Lots of things that I passed on seem irrelevant. Kids now have different language. I also remember how much more independent we were, thrown into the world, fending for ourselves, running wild (and occasionally feral).

In many ways, we are similar, but childhood now and then is a different experience. My child is more protected and supervised, hardly ever really alone, but her world doesn't seem to be more safe. It was simpler for my parents to explain 'stranger danger', when they could only be encountered in real life.

I am more open and chilled around my child, different than my parents, but at times, I still glimpse them and their reactions in me. But I am bringing up my child in a very different environment and have to adapt, which helps when I want to do things differently - I have a reason and an excuse (times have changed, mother). But with each year, I see how much closer I am to having a teenager, and the jungle that we will encounter then.

My child sees me writing and assumes that it is what I do. More than that, I am a constant, somebody who is always there and who always puts her first. Somehow, she became a constant in my life, too. No matter the differences, she is a little copy of me from years ago, but with a very different outlook and future. Being a parent is a very special thing.

Bodies - My Second Published Book

 

    I have published my second book, which, ironically, is the first book I have ever finished writing. It was lying aside for a long time, waiting patiently, until I made it into my big project. The story is therefore important to me on a very personal level. But which isn't?

   Bodies takes us to Prague in the late 1990s. We meet four young girls who are gradually establishing their careers and their independent existence. Moving to the capitol city of any country is a big step and only one of the girls actually is from Prague itself. Some of the girls know each other, others meet in passing, or encounter the same people. That's life in a big city - anonymous and intimate at the same time. Life in a big city also means different levels of existence, living in the same place, but experiencing it very differently.

   The first character is Lizzie, a nurse from a small town who came to Prague to realize her dreams. First step was a job in one of the big teaching hospitals, which means subsidised accommodation and better career prospects. But nursing career is the last thing on Lizzie's mind. She wants to be a model. And Prague is the place where it can happen. She joined a prestigious agency and currently learns that it doesn't mean much. Making it as a model isn't as straightforward as she hoped.

   Ida, the second girl, is from Prague, and lives alone in a small flat she inherited from her aunt. She was originally a vet nurse, but after a break up and a crisis of confidence, she ended up working in a brothel. She was in love and very happy, waiting for her boyfriend to graduate from university, becoming a vet and living with her happily ever after. Instead, she ended up single, in a job she didn't very much enjoy. After a few trials and errors, she realized that selling herself may be an unexpectedly good option. When we meet her, she is enjoying herself, doing well, even meeting a love of her life. But will it stay like that?

   Victoria, our third heroine, seems to be the most glamorous. She is a model, and a good one. Working for the same agency as Lizzie, she is on another level - working full time, travelling, being in high demand. She lives in a beautiful flat with her gay best friend, has a rich boyfriend, and seems to have it all. But her ambition is much bigger, she wants to make it in the international market. Prague, the dream for girls like Lizzie, is too small for Victoria. However, she is already learning that sometimes, price of happiness can be very high.

   The last of the girls is Isabela, a stripper who is carefully building her brand and running her career the best way she can. Dancing was her dream and she loves what she does, but she has also a strong business mind and isn't afraid to try new things, promote herself, and be who she is without any shame. It means living a very isolated existence and regularly upsetting her family, but for her, it is the best way to live.

Every chapter is dedicated to one character in turn, and we follow their progress through some pivotal times in their lives. Although their lifestyles are very different, some things about them are similar. They are ambitious and independent. Men should be falling for them, but the truth is that relationships aren't simple, no matter which of the girls we look at. All of them want to meet The One, but they also value their independence and freedom, which isn't seen as something women should aspire to, or talk about. Establishing their independent existence, they are finding out how society works and how they are supposed to fit in it. In a nutshell, life is complicated. And we can read and see how the girls in Bodies figure it out.

If you are interested, you can find the book here:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Bodies-Lucinda-Real-ebook/dp/B09VFMFQT5/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1A4BO7DJGSNM4&keywords=lucinda+real&qid=1648563893&s=books&sprefix=lucinda+real+%2Cstripbooks%2C88&sr=1-1

The post about my first book Grey Rainbow is here:

https://lucindareal.blogspot.com/2021/06/about-grey-rainbow.html