The Long Month of January

 January is a long month, isn't it? It begins all new, fresh, enthusiastic, exciting... Then you notice it is still winter. But the days are getting longer. And you start to hear the birds singing in the morning. But it is winter nevertheless. You finish all the good food and treats left over after Christmas. You maybe even try to drink less alcohol, or none at all. You may even exercise, eat differently, try to read that difficult book, learn a new skill. Anything. Because it is a new beginning, a better one.

This year, lockdown is added for a good measure. The lockdown in November didn't feel proper, the schools were open. This one is the real deal. This week was the first week that home schooling felt like a struggle. Waking up is harder, I sleep a little longer. We have a good routine, it helps, but it also makes time funny - with routine it goes faster, yet at the same time it seems to stand still. Depends on what subject we are doing. A month of explaining the logic of counting and timetables is taking its toll.... Last two weeks, I saw progress. This week I see stagnation. The child is the same, what is wrong, then?

This lockdown is like a hibernation. With the bad weather and short days, it takes lots of effort to get out of the house. I've made a point of picking up reading books on Mondays and dropping them off on Fridays. It is child's job (and mine, of course)! Even in bad weather, two walks are guaranteed.

We were lucky last weekend, there was snow and we went sledging, the whole family together. We were the first ones on the hill behind our house, the dog was running up and down with us, it was great fun. After more families arrived, I had to watch the dog and keep her with me. Sitting low on a sledge and seeing a big dog running right at you can be intimidating when you are a small child and don't know the dog... We also managed to go out and sledge one last time on Monday after school, great motivation to get things done! But the rain came back and now we are back to mud and grey skies...

January will end on Sunday, lockdown will continue. I don't mind, I only wonder why came the change in my mood. I go to bed early, try to sleep well, eat well, exercise, but the easy going rhythm from after Christmas is gone, and everything seems harder. Maybe it's the schooling. It is work, not fun. I try to make it fun, but that makes it more work... Maybe it's the hill of marketing and introducing my book to the world, it seems to get higher and higher each day... Maybe. Whatever it is, we are still lucky. We are healthy, we manage, we can do it. Even in the longest month that came after the longest year. And who knows what will happen the next week. As long as we are healthy, we are winning. Good luck to you all.

On Writing

 I am editing. Again. I have spent most of the last year editing. I started with one book - the first one I have ever written, finished, submitted, and eventually translated into English. Long project.

I was tired of the story after a while, and decided to switch to another book. A nanowrimo project, which was professionally edited. I thought it would be an easy, restful thing. It wasn't. I have found many things that didn't sit right, edited it some more, discovered Grammarly, edited again.

After that, I have felt confident. After the professional edit was done in 2017, I tried submitting the book to literary agents. I found the project daunting and discouraging. I have learnt that I don't find it easy to put myself into a clear category and compare the book with others - a way the writer is advised to look for the right agent. I settled on women's fiction and looked for agents that deal with that category. Which is many.

However, women's fiction seems to be something at the back of the list. At least in the last few years. You can write romance, there is market for that, otherwise there seem to be great interest in thrillers and crime fiction. The vague answers, or mostly non-answers, were in a sense of: not what we are looking for. As if there was a diagram of: category - topic - storyline - money. The assessment isn't about writing, it's more about what makes money right now. At least that was the impression I had. 

I didn't grow up in the UK, I can't easily categorise myself in regard of education, connections, class, history. I belong here, yet I don't. Therefore, a novel happening in Europe may not be what the agents are looking for right now. The story behind it is universal, but the framing might put them off. But I can't write what I think people want to sell, or what I believe will make the best profit. A story grows in me and I have to say it. That is how I work. It makes me a writer.

Instead of feeling beaten, I looked into self - publishing. I have spent lots of time on editing and proofreading. I didn't want to publish a book that was full of mistakes and errors. Assuming that was the hard part, I started the process of formatting. Not an easy task, too. I have learnt how to create a paperback, e - book, and a cover. It may come easy to some people, to me not so much. But I have made it. It is out, published at the end of December.

Of course, however frustrating, difficult, long and hard the process was, it was nothing. The marketing is the hill where introverts go to truly suffer (but never ever die!).

In order to not to get too frustrated, I started to edit the first book again. It was good to give it a rest. It is good to look at the text with eyes used to editing after the last year. And I hope that when I am ready to start formatting, the process will be much easier. I am a little worried about the cover, the idea in my head is probably way over my abilities. But I will figure it out.

So here I am. A writer. I can call myself that, I work on my writing every day. I am not writing anything new right now, because if I did, I wouldn't edit or promote the existing book. I have to use my resources (my resources are a budget of zero and time left after home school and house work) in a way that helps me to complete things. I resuscitated this blog in order to have some outlet for the mind. There is something addictive about the tapping of fingers on the keyboard and creating. I don't see it as a chore, it is a reward. 

I am one of many. I know I am. My inbox is overflowing with new books announcements, twitter even more so. But the readers will find me one day. And the story will be ready.

Lockdown

 I felt relieved when the lockdown was announced. Schools, like many other places, didn't seem safe to me. But yes, more work for me...

One way, it feels oddly familiar. We have a box with papers, pencils, pens, erasers and all the other things, we know how to link to various sites used by school, understand how to work with them. School is much more organised, ready to get going from day three of the term - having spent day one preparing for the return of children and day two figuring out how to do distance learning and who is attending...

But I am smarter, too. Noticing how well the habit of early morning practise made me feel during the Christmas period, I have decided to carry on with it. Instead of slow mornings, I try to get up before anyone else and have a practise before switching on the computer and finding the day's work. It does wonders. I feel good and I don't have a nagging thought about practise at the back of my head while dealing with other things.

Second thing, I try to listen to a relaxation track or a yoga nidra every evening before bed. It isn't a fully relaxed session, dear child decided to move husband to the child's room and sleeps permanently in my bed. At the moment, I tend to nod off before or alongside the child. Therefore my relaxing moment coincides with the last burst of energy stored specifically for bedtime. But I figured out that husband and child get used to the fact that I am unresponsive around 8 p.m. And a background noise is surely all about practise and focus improvement, isn't it?

Since I do the night snoring, kicking, toilet trips and early morning chats, husband can do the bedtime story while I listen to mine. I may be onto something, I wake up feeling more rested.

I don't do resolutions, January is fairly normal month for me. There is no need to push myself or to try and change everything. But building a habit of taking time for myself without feeling bad about it is surely a good one to choose if you wish to make a resolution? Or just go and do it, whatever time of the year it is. Without planning, this is happening. In a way it is good to be dropped into lockdown with few hours notice. It would have helped the schools to know about it sooner, but as a parent, I managed to simply apply these little steps without planning and overthinking them and being worried about not managing to keep it up. It is a day at a time mode here at home, but every day counts. As long as we stay healthy.

New Year Old Me

 Stepping into 2021 was nice for one single reason: snow. Nothing excites dear child more than seeing enough snow for sledging. It was great to finally unwrap the sledge we bought 2 years ago, after school was closed because of snow and we were hastily cutting off a bottom of a big plastic bucket, hoping it would make a sledge. It sort of almost did, but luckily one neighbour borrowed us the real thing.

Ready this year, we went out in style and enjoyed the white fresh snow. Now the child is disappointed every morning, because there is no more new snow...

Christmas was good. No pressure regarding visitors, no visits or trips, just us. Preparations were easy, husband was home, I could dedicate time to baking, decorating, wrapping, preparing. I am a loner. 2020 was easy for me. Facing its end in my little bubble was even easier.

Then the presents were unwrapped and the really good time started: the slump or hibernation, whatever you want to call it - the time between Christmas and new year, time when there is food in the house, no reason to go out except for a walk, enough toys and movies to occupy dear child. I can rest, think, plot, dream, indulge in things I usually try to fit in.

Yoga can be done in peace and quiet of the morning, while the rest of the house sleeps and I don't have to get dear child ready for school on time. Instead, I can lit a candle, be slow, relax at the end.

For few years now, I do a practise of 7 Fires. Every day the focus is on one chakra. With the specific energy in mind, I think about few little ideas - seeds, that I write down and use them as a direction for the next year. Through time, I started to research practise specific for each chakra, mudras, music, incense... This year, I spent time colouring images of each chakra. It was nice using pencils and playing with colours, something I used to do so much as a child. I took out glass paint and created candle holders with colours for each chakra. A little bit of craft and play, something that doesn't look perfect but it makes me happy. It adds colour and meaning to the little corner where I practise, a little space where I can have the best time by myself, practising. It is something that makes sense. Something that helps me, supports me, keeps me going. 2020 was different and hard, but I could practise every day. I was home, there were no holidays, no trips, no visitors. I used the time, deepened the practise, embraced the isolation. Instead of regret I was grateful. I still am. Teachers that were difficult to reach because of distance, time, or prices, moved online and things were more accessible.

Now I am back at editing, back by the desk, school - whether in person or online will start again, my time will be restricted, but it is fine. As long as we are healthy we will manage. I have my little seeds from the 7 Fires, a path to follow.

Happy 2021!