About Sleeping

 What happens with sleep as life goes on? I've always found sleep important, even when I was young and restless. While in nursing school and knowing that I would do shifts, my thoughts often went to sleep. Will I catch up on it? Will the day sleep be enough? Will it ruin my health?

I've worked as a nurse and did shifts only for a few years, but it proved to be easy. I've slept great. Then life changed, I started to travel, experienced jet lag, and sleep was again on top of my list. I knew that I need to catch up in order to function, and I did. I lived at night for some years, slept in the day, it was easier than the ever changing shifts in the hospital, once I achieved a regular rhythm I was fine. In all these years, sleep wasn't an issue. Apart from planes, I could sleep anywhere. In strange beds, new bedrooms, alone, in dormitories, in tents, under the sky in nature... I would sleep easily. When tired, I would sleep twelve hours, no problem. When very tired, I would wake up refreshed in the same position I fell asleep in. These were the good years.

Slowly, lying on my front became uncomfortable and my neck would protest. Then I was pregnant and sleeping on my front was out of question anyway. I never went back to that position. With years added to my age, pillows appeared. If I didn't support my hips, I wouldn't feel comfortable on my side. Hugging a long, stuffed crocodile also helps for some unknown reason... I would say every decade brings extra pillow and more restrictions. Camping is no longer an easy adventure. I want a big tent where I can stand, big sleeping bag and the extra pillows. No more sleeping in a mummy style bag with a rolled up tracksuit top as a pillow... Otherwise I am not a happy camper!

But it isn't just physical. From the easy nodding off to dreaming a waking up, I slowly transitioned to waking up every time I turn, or waking up randomly just because, or being disturbed by either or all: husband, child, dog, wind and rain, random noise.. And my favourite: 2 am or 3 am thoughts. Sometimes you realize you are awake, but your brain is already working by the time it fully occurs. And the thoughts that come usually start with something bad, difficult, or just an idea. At the small hours, the brain is very prone to offering only bad or very bad scenarios and possibilities. While I can function very well in the every day reality and accept that many things are out of my control, when the same thoughts come in the random early waking up hours, my brain plays with them and offers catastrophe after catastrophe. And how am I supposed to go to sleep?

The quality of sleep changes with age, no matter what I do. I am wiser, practise more meditation and breathing exercises, I am rational, but sleep, the good sleep I remember, eludes me. Sometimes I think it is gone forever. I am coping. I keep up with the routine, have a dark room, avoid alcohol, caffeine, heavy food in the evening and afternoon, I do the right things. I've found things that work. I listen to a radio, podcast or an audio book before sleep or when I wake up during the night. I practise yoga nidra in the evening. I have an orthopaedic pillow. I am trying. But I miss the easy, full, rejuvenating sleep. I see my child sleeping like a log, nothing can wake her, even talking and noise. There were times when I was like that....

Half Term Bliss

 The last time I was looking forward to a school holiday was probably while I still was at school. It's nice not having to print out school work, sit with dear child, log on for school meetings and run the house around the school day.

I am ruled by the sourdough starter and the weather once again. I managed few gardening sessions, mainly heavy clearance and some planning. It will depend on my co - gardener / dear husband, so, wish me luck. He is good at nodding and saying: 'Yes, sound good,' and not so good at doing.

Will I win the war against slugs with a home-made garlic spray this year? That remains to be seen.

Editing is easy, too, it fits into my days now! And I have a free computer. Clever me, I never let dear child to bookmark favourite games on mine, husband is getting all the nagging at the moment.

I hope to finish first edit by the weekend, I've managed more than I've planned to do. I will take a break next week, go back to the school schedule and in the spare time, I will try to figure out Goodreads and social sites and, hopefully, talk to people. I am considering joining the 21st century and getting a smartphone. I didn't want to go down that rode, but an indie writer has to communicate...

The weather is getting worse, which means more screen time, less gardening time. And no family walks. Only family yoga, which is great fun.

Spring is in the air. Snowdrops are out, crocuses are catching up and the Canadian Geese are back. Everything seems more alive.

My review of Six Four by Hideo Yokoyama on Goodreads

 <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/29875918-six-four" style="float: left; padding-right: 20px"><img border="0" alt="Six Four" src="https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1468809081l/29875918._SX98_.jpg" /></a><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/29875918-six-four">Six Four</a> by <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/5529932.Hideo_Yokoyama">Hideo Yokoyama</a><br/>

My rating: <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3786836868">5 of 5 stars</a><br /><br />

This was my Christmas present, something I may have overlooked in the shop myself. Glad that this story came my way. For a while, I was a little confused by the fact that most of the book happens in the corridors of the police HQ in one Japanese city. There is a lot about the way the police works, about the hierarchy and culture, so specific to Japan. It was interesting to learn. But I did think: when will he get out and when will it start happening? It isn't your typical crime fiction, with a lonely but strong detective who solves a crime. This is something else. But it sucks you in. You want to know more, you keep reading. I stopped waiting for the action and enjoyed the ride, all the details. Sometimes, I have felt a little lost, but it didn't take long to remember who is who and what their role is. The story slowly moves on towards a surprising end, it is very interesting. There isn't a clear closure, a line under the story. There is knowing about what had happened a long time ago, but when we leave the story, we don't know how it really ended. But what was the story about, too, were relationships. And even though the main character, whom I really liked and rooted for, doesn't get his own personal closure, he reaches acceptance and understanding. And he is in a better place in the end. It was a special story, I won't forget it.

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<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/review/list/121125321-lucinda">View all my reviews</a>

OK, this is how it came out when prompted by Goodreads. I just wanted to try it out. Being very unwise on the technicalities, feel free to let me know how to make it better. Otherwise, let's meet on Goodreads..

A New Beginning

 I woke up yesterday feeling like drawing a full circle, starting a new one. It was the day of the New Moon. And it was the day of my birthday. A little ahead of the Moon, sometimes around the middle of the day (mother was quite sedated, can't bring the exact time to her memory, could I stop fussing about it? - sorry mum, just wondered about a horoscope...), I will be a year older.

Doesn't bother me, truly, life is a movement forward and I see it more as going in circles than in a slowly and inevitably declining line.

Year ago, the pandemic was hanging over us. It was obvious that it was coming for us (to most, not to certain PM). I was living the normal life - taking child to swim, library, or gymnastics after school. I remember that I had a cold sore (much less of it in the lockdown, even though it is winter) and my shoulders were stiff and sore. I badly needed a good massage. But I was afraid to go for one. Firstly, I struggled to find a good person who gets it just right (ever since my favourite massage therapist moved away, I only find beauticians who try their best, but don't really do a proper massage, or slightly sadist Thai ladies). Secondly, I was already worried about the virus and a close contact with a stranger who meets many people every day seemed risky. We celebrated my special day a little later, with a trip to Chester Zoo. It was mainly outside, easy to keep a distance, but still, the virus was on our mind.

Everything gradually changed. The lockdown started, the virus reached us, we lived differently, and, as I have already mentioned in another post, I liked my new lifestyle. I still do. The year rolled, we stayed healthy and together. My stiff shoulders turned into a problem on the left side and I discovered it was badly frozen and I had a impingement. I paid an online physio assessment, started with exercises, went for few treatments in person when it became possible. It bothered me a lot. I couldn't move, practise yoga the way I used to - without thinking and with ease, everything was an issue. Taking a bra off, changing curtains, lifting things, driving... Sleeping. Sleeping was hard. There was no position that felt good, every turn woke me up. With physio, balm, orthopaedic pillow and patience, I was slowly working through it. People talked and cared about the virus, my shoulder and mobility were my own little hell. Everything else was manageable.

I stopped walking the dog, taking her on the leash became impossible, and I couldn't risk her running off towards some other dogs, deer, squirrels, sheep, or people. When the world briefly opened up in the summer, I didn't feel that I could manage camping. How can I sleep in a tent when I can't figure it out in a bed with all the support I can find? I felt like a kill joy, husband wasn't amused, but what was I to do? Besides, our old budgie became unwell in the summer and I couldn't just leave him with the neighbours like we usually did when we travelled. It felt like I was doing it on purpose. Enjoying the lockdown, wanting to isolate myself even more. Who knows. It was hard. But every little improvement I could feel in the shoulder, every night I didn't wake up between 2 and 4 a.m., felt like a step forward and I repeated to myself that I matter, too. Doing everything for others and for the family is good, but I have to be well.

I did get better. My shoulder isn't there yet, but it is better, I can lift my arm, do more of yoga practise, there is progress. The budgie didn't make it, but he is at peace. We gave him quiet space and time. Getting a vet appointment was a mission, not many care for birds and everything, even an appointment for an assessment, took longer that year. We did finally secure a date, but when I saw the state he was in, I have decided to cancel the trip and leave him to it. I couldn't allow him to die of stress in transport or in stranger's hands. Our budgies aren't tame, they like their distance.

This year, I am an old hand at the lockdown, the uncertainty is gone. I knew we will not be celebrating. That's OK. I did the little things: played games with dear child, painted my nails blue, had a face mask and a nice relaxation while letting it soak in, finished the book I was reading, made chocolate truffles - it was a school project for dear child and a great way to make something special to celebrate. I don't need to go out, have a party, I am fine (slightly relieved I don't have to, to be honest). I managed to do what needed to be done and made time for a webinar on Amazon with a lovely self published writer. It was inspiring. The circle is closing behind a challenging time. Challenging in a different way than how it was for others, for most of the world. I feel better. Starting the new chapter at the New Moon (and almost at the New Year) feels like a message, turning the page, moving on, going in the right direction. All is well.