I woke up yesterday feeling like drawing a full circle, starting a new one. It was the day of the New Moon. And it was the day of my birthday. A little ahead of the Moon, sometimes around the middle of the day (mother was quite sedated, can't bring the exact time to her memory, could I stop fussing about it? - sorry mum, just wondered about a horoscope...), I will be a year older.
Doesn't bother me, truly, life is a movement forward and I see it more as going in circles than in a slowly and inevitably declining line.
Year ago, the pandemic was hanging over us. It was obvious that it was coming for us (to most, not to certain PM). I was living the normal life - taking child to swim, library, or gymnastics after school. I remember that I had a cold sore (much less of it in the lockdown, even though it is winter) and my shoulders were stiff and sore. I badly needed a good massage. But I was afraid to go for one. Firstly, I struggled to find a good person who gets it just right (ever since my favourite massage therapist moved away, I only find beauticians who try their best, but don't really do a proper massage, or slightly sadist Thai ladies). Secondly, I was already worried about the virus and a close contact with a stranger who meets many people every day seemed risky. We celebrated my special day a little later, with a trip to Chester Zoo. It was mainly outside, easy to keep a distance, but still, the virus was on our mind.
Everything gradually changed. The lockdown started, the virus reached us, we lived differently, and, as I have already mentioned in another post, I liked my new lifestyle. I still do. The year rolled, we stayed healthy and together. My stiff shoulders turned into a problem on the left side and I discovered it was badly frozen and I had a impingement. I paid an online physio assessment, started with exercises, went for few treatments in person when it became possible. It bothered me a lot. I couldn't move, practise yoga the way I used to - without thinking and with ease, everything was an issue. Taking a bra off, changing curtains, lifting things, driving... Sleeping. Sleeping was hard. There was no position that felt good, every turn woke me up. With physio, balm, orthopaedic pillow and patience, I was slowly working through it. People talked and cared about the virus, my shoulder and mobility were my own little hell. Everything else was manageable.
I stopped walking the dog, taking her on the leash became impossible, and I couldn't risk her running off towards some other dogs, deer, squirrels, sheep, or people. When the world briefly opened up in the summer, I didn't feel that I could manage camping. How can I sleep in a tent when I can't figure it out in a bed with all the support I can find? I felt like a kill joy, husband wasn't amused, but what was I to do? Besides, our old budgie became unwell in the summer and I couldn't just leave him with the neighbours like we usually did when we travelled. It felt like I was doing it on purpose. Enjoying the lockdown, wanting to isolate myself even more. Who knows. It was hard. But every little improvement I could feel in the shoulder, every night I didn't wake up between 2 and 4 a.m., felt like a step forward and I repeated to myself that I matter, too. Doing everything for others and for the family is good, but I have to be well.
I did get better. My shoulder isn't there yet, but it is better, I can lift my arm, do more of yoga practise, there is progress. The budgie didn't make it, but he is at peace. We gave him quiet space and time. Getting a vet appointment was a mission, not many care for birds and everything, even an appointment for an assessment, took longer that year. We did finally secure a date, but when I saw the state he was in, I have decided to cancel the trip and leave him to it. I couldn't allow him to die of stress in transport or in stranger's hands. Our budgies aren't tame, they like their distance.
This year, I am an old hand at the lockdown, the uncertainty is gone. I knew we will not be celebrating. That's OK. I did the little things: played games with dear child, painted my nails blue, had a face mask and a nice relaxation while letting it soak in, finished the book I was reading, made chocolate truffles - it was a school project for dear child and a great way to make something special to celebrate. I don't need to go out, have a party, I am fine (slightly relieved I don't have to, to be honest). I managed to do what needed to be done and made time for a webinar on Amazon with a lovely self published writer. It was inspiring. The circle is closing behind a challenging time. Challenging in a different way than how it was for others, for most of the world. I feel better. Starting the new chapter at the New Moon (and almost at the New Year) feels like a message, turning the page, moving on, going in the right direction. All is well.
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