Monday, 10 February 2014

Back on Track

Out of nowhere came an urge to dust off electric hair rollers and make up bag, I even found myself considering the possibilities of applying nail polish with an overactive baby around. During the last 10 months my maintenance was pretty simple. I don't see the point to put on makeup for home, I need easy hairstyle that keeps my hair out of reach of grabby little fingers, and when I go out I have to get baby ready and by the time that happens I just throw on something comfortable and head out. I go out to  walk or to the shop anyway, so again, what is the point of makeup and hair styling?

Occasionally, I do find myself planning to make more effort from tomorrow but then baby throws in one of its legendary no sleeping nights and I am happy to brush my hair. I am a housewife. I clean, cook, bake, do laundry and most of all I care for baby. Baby is moving around, I am much busier and have rarely time to do something without assistance. Right now, baby is sitting on my lap. There are toys and some more toys on the floor, but no, not as good as chewing on my pen.

Anyway. I did manage to get the rollers on my hair without my baby trying to eat any of them or grab them. And I did play with drying pot of eyeliner. And then it occurred to me. I may be ovulating.

On my six weeks check (or contraception speech, they might as well send a video link) the doctor explained that while breastfeeding full time my periods may stop and I will not be able to get pregnant until they return. To live without periods during pregnancy was one of the perks, to have not to worry about them for few more months was great. But last month, all of a sudden, there it was again. We are weaning our baby and feeds are less frequent, so I am clearly getting back to normal. Two weeks later, here I am getting all pretty.

My life is slowly returning to me, my body will be mine once my baby is weaned of my breast for good. Baby is a little person now, gaining independence and I find myself discussing baby number two with husband. Then we don't sleep again and wonder why do we want to go through it one more time. But the desire is there, and time is not on our side, if we are meant to have more children, we have to start trying to conceive.

It feels such a long time ago that we went through it with baby and it wasn't easy. We had functional sex for few years - sex with purpose. And I notice that beside trying for baby number two there is no desire whatsoever. We are both tired, too tired to be romantic, to do things just because. I sometimes wonder if he can still see me as a sexual being after being present during the birth (and thanks to prolonged labour and broken bed in the hospital he had to support my leg for a while when I was pushing so unfortunately, he saw the whole deal...). And caring for baby left me feeling different. My breasts are not erotic, they are practical. My body is a tool. Pleasure is a good meal I don't have to cook and a full night sleep. I want to be left alone without anybody climbing on top of me, not to be close to other person... How am I supposed to spark romance in me?? How did I do it before??

Relationships change and evolve and since we settled as partners and friends I noticed how much less importance sex actually has. I think people overvalue it anyway and when I compare my previous relationships, sex was often the only thing that mattered. I didn't have partners before - I had boyfriends or lovers. It was important to be attractive, and when seeing each other only once in a while, sex was often the main thing about the meeting. Living together makes things different. We know each other, see each other in the best and the worst moments, we go through them together. We have future together and are not afraid to talk about it. Values are different and the passion can not last forever. I remember how husband used to stare at me all the time, kept asking me what I do, where did I go, what do I think... I don't think I could stand such intensity for too long.

Having a child means that we are both very busy and tired and we bicker and argue. Sometimes we actually hate each others guts. There were moments when I wondered how can I stay, and my head was trying to plot and escape plan. And then these moments pass and we are together again, a simple smile or a gesture, a touch, can make everything better and something primal deep down inside me reminds me that all is well, that we are meant to be together.

I don't know how it will work out. But I am looking forward to the ride.

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