OK, I am supposed to be all excited and happy, getting my last presents ready. But the truth is that when husband brought home our christmas tree, I was sitting in the living room, stared at the thing and felt annoyed that I have to fuss around it. My Christmas spirit is gone. I was looking forward to this year's festivities since the end of summer. I suppose the reason was because our weather this year (specially here in Manchester) was so magnificently miserable since the freak 'week of summer' in March ended, the only think I could look forward to was the Winter. The days are supposed to be cold and miserable, but it is Christmas so ho ho.
Why am I suddenly so melancholic? My cat is gone. My dear old friend passed away during last Sunday night, I found her on Monday morning behind the sofa. She just went there and died quietly. Judging that she seemed quite OK during the weekend - although not herself anymore, I hope she didn't suffer. I didn't have to make the painful decision and take her to the vet, she didn't seemed to get worse or having any pains, she was just slowly disappearing in front of our eyes and then decided to die on Sunday night, alone.
One of the things about this Christmas was that it was supposed to be our last Christmas before we have a baby, our last Christmas in this old group - cat, husband and I. But it will be different, just the two of us. I am very emotional and sad about all of this, but somehow bad things always happen in the worst possible times, when you hope you will just simply enjoy yourself - boom - you are suddenly confronted with a whole new issue to deal with. Christmas lost its magic for me, it will not be the same. I know it is only a cat, but to me every animal is a member of the family, end of story.
Yes, I will put myself together, clean the house and prepare the decorations (we are a little bit late with them, our street is all festive, in our window is a single little star and tree still stands without all the decorations), do the food shopping, prepare a feast and be glad that I have my great husband, my family (although far away from us) and good friends which we will see during the holidays. I will just think about cat, the way christmas tree used to freak her out and how I always had to watch out so she doesn't try to climb it or attack it, the way she enjoyed jumping around wrapping paper and chase ribbons and my heated arguments with husband that she indeed did understand I am giving her a special christmas gift.
I had to get rid of her things straight away, her bed and every toy is a sad reminder, so I am already working on the big clean. Our house will look as a house with no pet for the first time since we moved in. Next year baby stuff will fill it instead and we will see if our family will grow even more.
Of course I am not writing, I am not in a state of thinking about my characters or pushing my word count forward. November with its writing challenge seems so faraway now! January, promise.
One thing I discovered? Pregnancy yoga, what a life saver. I did some classes and practiced with DVD before I got pregnant, but now I experienced how much it can do for me not only in pregnancy but also when going through something challenging and personal. I am definitely hooked. The physical exercise helped me to make my body happy, breathing calmed me down and final relaxation was just amazing. I slept all night with no waking from discomfort or bad dreams. I spoil myself with a private class because at the moment I am not in the mood for a chit chat but I realized I may meet lots of lovely pregnant ladies and make some good friends. Anyway, the teacher is great and I hope I can discover something about meditation with her, too. Suddenly I am experiencing a need to be quiet and more 'with myself'. It may help me with my creativity and discipline, too. Looks like January will be an exciting month and so will be all of 2013...
Whoever is reading my blog, thank you and have the best Christmas and all the best in 2013!