Wednesday, 15 May 2013

5 weeks

My baby is enjoying its fifth week with us and as a gift I was allowed to sleep almost 4 hours during the night, then, after a long and a little bit stressful feed I was given 3 and half hours extra. Is my baby growing into a little person who sleeps for longer? We are also starting to smile and communicate,  it is a nice change. Up until now it was sleeping, feeding, screaming, occasional moment of staring at me or windows or the ceiling. The little person is growing fast and changing rapidly.

The health visitor came in today and swore that it will get easier and I will get to sleep one day soon, but even today I feel like a superhero, who would think that last night could be considered a very good night?

Breastfeeding is going well. My only problem is that longer breaks mean fuller breasts and when baby starts feeding the fast flow makes him gasp and gulp and if there is no successful burp my darling will vomit a little bit. It happened last night and although it was quite easy to get over, at 3 am everything seems much more dramatic, I was wondering if I should consult the doctor about it. Could it be something serious? But today we are fine again, so I assume it was just an episode.

Right now, by 5 pm, baby is enjoying a nap which is shocking, usually by this time of a day we are having an almost non stop feed and one grumpy little person. I am so surprised that I am unable to nap. Is it possible that the hardest times are ending? Could I start returning to being myself again? The person who takes care of her appearance and wants to publish a novel? I managed to mop the floors today and to tidy up downstairs, what a nice achievement.

My husband is sitting by the desk, working. He is so happy he doesn't have to assist me with 'taming the beast' as we used to call our evenings. The baby would get so grumpy late afternoon and it would last till late evening - apparently they do it to stock up feeds for the night. If it meant longer breaks I didn't mind, but being woken up every hour and half after an afternoon like that made me desperate, emotional and upset.

I should try to have a nap. But I can not help thinking how every extra minute the baby gives me counts. During the day, I am desperately catching up with house work, paperwork, emails, calls. During the nights and evenings I sleep and sleep. My days are unpredictable and the highlight is my morning shower - the only 'me time' of the day. However, my maintenance is very simple. I didn't style my hair in the last five weeks, just put them back in a plate so they are not in a way and I can fall a sleep without doing anything about them. Same goes for skin care: cleansing and moisturizing in the morning, nothing in the evening. But now I do find time to take care of my nails (just to keep them short though) and I shave again, I didn't stop washing my hair regularly. On Sunday I even managed to put on my face mask while husband entertained the baby.
I wonder around the house in tracksuit pants and shirt which used to be husbands. The shirt is almost permanently undone as there is no point in fiddling with the buttons when baby demands yet another feed. To put something on when we go out for a walk is a challenge, but it feels nice to fit into my jeans and wear things that are not baggy and loose. Last weeks nice weather caught me by surprise, I wasn't ready to show off my skin, after so long time being pregnant and weeks of mothering, it is hard to return to being myself, or being seen in bright daylight in a simple dress.

But as I think about last night and look at the sleeping (for now) baby, there is a hope that I may put on skirt and a nice top sometimes soon, apply a BB cream and mascara and take it off in the evening (cleansing in the evening seems like a waste of precious sleeping time at the moment), or even do my hair and paint my toenails! I may even get out of the house for longer and spend more time around. And I probably will revise my novel sometimes this year! There is light at the end of the tunnel, I can see it now. Looking back, the beginning is really hard, but it is so rewarding. Seeing my baby growing and happy is the best reward I can get. My life is different and it will never get back to where it was, but it is so much richer, I am glad it is the way it is. Lets push my luck and try to nap....

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