My last post feels like a century ago. Was I really pregnant? And yet it does seem that I was pregnant forever. Labour felt like such a big deal, the defining moment of my life. And it was, don't get me wrong. When it finally happened, it was intense, long, surprising and highly rewarding at the end.
The thing is: the labour I was so anxiously waiting for was just a beginning. There are so many information and speculation about labour (and I should write about mine more - it was a big deal) but at the moment I am too overwhelmed with what happens after. Why didn't they tell me about the after? Yes, we know there will be a baby here. Labour is only the beginning of a whole new life. A life that doesn't belong to me anymore. I knew it will be hard. I knew I will be sleep deprived. But I didn't know how much.
I was told newborns feed often and sleep a lot. Nobody told me they can feed more or less non stop, sleep at the end of the feed but stay unsettled the moment I try to put baby down and get some rest. Nobody told me how hard it is to figure out breastfeeding, I wasn't warned about cracked nipples, mastitis, mouth thrush, growing spurs and general fussiness. Is there a conspiracy going on?
When my baby was born I thought: never again. It was hard. But in few days time I was so deeply in love with the baby I thought: it is worth it. Three weeks later not so much. My mindset at the moment is: labour is OK, the stuff afterwards, the first weeks, that is the real hell. If I will be asked about having another baby, this time will probably be the reason I will not be keen. The only good thing is, I could die in labour but it is much less likely to die of mothering...
There are days when I think I did figure my new baby out and I do manage to dress up properly and do a little bit of work around the house. Today is the first time I was able to check my emails and post a blog, yet it was disturbed about four times by feeding. But the moment I think I am getting the hang of things and I can do motherhood, my baby changes its act and decides to be completely different. What worked yesterday doesn't work today and any progress is reversed.
I am exhausted. Thanks to very supportive and understanding husband I am helped as much as he is able to. Seeing me nearly in tears this afternoon he took the baby for a long drive. Drive calms baby down and gives me a chance to have a nap. All I need is some sleep. Being so sleep deprived makes me emotional and blame the poor baby for its behavior which is not fair on the poor little thing.
Conclusion? This post doesn't make much sense and seems quite negative. Motherhood is tough. But to have a moment of calmness with my baby makes it all worth it. Sleeping for three hours and waking up to the 'ready to eat' noises makes it all worth it. Seeing my baby doing so well makes it worth it. Being a family makes it worth it. But it is the toughest job in the whole world.