Tuesday, 2 April 2013

41 weeks

OK, I am still pregnant. After all of my preparation, after I finished a book and printed it out and put it away so I can do revision once the baby lets me, after all of my beautifully calm and healthy and uncomplicated pregnancy, I am living in a limbo.

Last week I posted a blog about a midwife who met me for the first time a day after my due date and completely freaked me out. And I hoped I will overcome this and the baby will come. First babies are apparently a week late, it's normal. Well, today it is the beginning of week 41 and all I can say is that in the past week I may have felt few cramps which may be a 'practice' contractions, or wind, or they may be completely made up by my mind always watching out for THE SIGN.

During the week I ate four pineapples, drank 5 liters of raspberry tea, ate chilli in everything apart my porridge in the morning, did yoga, meditation, affirmations, pep talks to the bump, pressed all the right points on my feet and legs, had long walks every single day. I wouldn't mind for the baby taking its time, clearly it is happy inside me, the only problem is the deadline given to me by the midwife last week. The thing is: my body is coping very well, my pregnancy was (is) a blast, so why would suddenly everything stop and the baby would be left in me beyond the time it needs with an old aging tired placenta which, as I was told, can not support it anymore?

Now, at the very end, I started to search on forums and panels (I thought I will do lots of this during my pregnancy, but actually didn't feel the need to until now), looking for people like me and I see lots of women who are scared and worried. I am not, my mind is clear and positive, I am ready, I don't care that it will hurt. I just want the labour to start naturally on its own, same way as my pregnancy started. Instead of being told that I NEED to be induced I want somebody to explain how could such a natural process suddenly stop progressing. Are all the induced women just talked into the induction  by health professionals who like everything by the book or because they just can not bare being pregnant anymore? Of course this isn't about me only, the main concern is will I harm my baby if I refuse induction?

My mother was one month overdue with my older sister. She told me that in the times before ultrasound the due date was less accurate. My friend has an eighteen years old daughter, she was overdue, too, but at the time it wasn't such an issue, they simply let her wait (and she didn't mind because she got pregnant in the final year of high school and at her age exams were more of a worry - I believe that is the price we 'mature' mothers pay, we worry more).

I know I have got a right to refuse induction. I just don't want to harm my baby and I am trying to rely on my instincts, but everything is getting mixed up in my head.

Husband is becoming impatient. After getting all supportive last week and spending his four days off on my walks and pineapple mission he wants to see results. He is hissing at my stomach: 'Get out!' every time he passes me. Baby's hiccups and movements don't interest him anymore. To massage me is a chore. Reflexology is a witchcraft. For some strange reason he doesn't even want to have sex with me. This morning he disappeared in the study making it clear that he isn't interested in accompanying me on yet another walk. He told me the baby is coming, we are seeing our midwife tomorrow if not, and we will take it from there. Well nobody will stick two fingers up his cervix tomorrow so of course he is relaxed. His support has got its limits, he wants to see results for it and as usually he can not really get why am I emotional and irritated. I wish he could always say and do the right thing but I don't know myself what it is. And he is the closest person right now so he will get my frustrations channeled on him. Unfair, I know.

I feel like I am left alone in the whole world, pregnant forever. Time is running at a very different pace, too slow at one hand, too fast at the other. Too slow considering how long it takes for the labour to start, too fast considering the midwife visit and the decisions I will have to make. I felt in harmony with my body and with the baby, now I feel like I am either not doing enough or the connection is lost. I feel like having a strike today, but at least I ate a whole pineapple, so I can tick that off and wait and relax a little bit more.....

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