Happy Mothers' Day. I decided to wake up and make my own breakfast. Reason one: I love a little bit of peace and quiet in the morning. Reason two: I did try to do the big 'treat me today' thing and demanded a breakfast brought in by dear family in the past, but it isn't worth it. If I have to ask for it, wait for it, and receive something that I could have done better, what is the point? If husband really wanted to spoil me, he would have made the effort. But he can't be arsed, obviously. And dear child is snotty after first week in school. So, yes, have a snooze and leave me alone.
The week started with International Women's Day and ended with mothering Sunday. And during the week we had the Meghan interview, the statistics about how women did more unpaid family work during the pandemics and lockdown, and, mostly, the sad case of Sarah Everard. To wake up on this very day and see women being handcuffed on the news is just not right. And yes, we shouldn't gather during the pandemic. But I didn't see the same strong action when (mostly) men celebrated some football title or game or something more than once.
How to get it right? I could elaborate on every single issue this week, because they all resonate and I have something to say about them. But I don't have the energy today. Last few days on Twitter, I've only read post after post of: this or that thing happened to me, and said silently: yes, me too. I saw the men reactions (not all men, more men are killed, etc) and heard their echo in my home. When these issues pop, the inevitable discussion by the dinner table is frustrating.
I've taken things for granted for so long, it is nice to see that women and girls now say: no, it isn't right. I was always told not to talk to strangers, never to go into anybody's car no matter what they say, to be careful, to try and not walk alone after dark... And I've never questioned it. When I was younger, I would never have thought to say: why don't you educate men better? Not because we blindly assumed that all men are horrible. But because we assumed that it is indeed our responsibility to prevent ourselves from meeting the bad ones. The good men were meant to be respected, not questioned, and educated. It was our business to exist in their world, basically. So yes, let's change things. Girls and women still need to be careful, same as we look before we cross a road. But I hope that we will get rid of this stupid assumption that when something bad does happen it is because we were out late, skimpily dressed and possibly drunk. That the victim is always judged first. If the victim is a woman, of course.
When I grew up and gradually learnt that happy ever after is an illusion, I've discovered a thing nobody wants to agree with: being single is great. Having a boyfriend and not living with him is even better. Freedom is good. We aren't meant to think it or say it out loud. It makes us seem weird, antisocial and antipatriarchal crazy feminists. But. There is a thin line where everything I did in one way proved me right in a sense that independence is great and women deserve it. In the other way, it made life too easy for men. Because I was so wrapped up in my independence project, but I also still somehow believed that men are important and it is my job to make them happy and respect them. So by giving them what they wanted, which is at the end of the day sex with minimum strings attached, and proudly demanding nothing in return, I was enabling them living an easy life, using me.
Then I've met a man I cared about. And he loved me. And he was also an workaholic and my independence suited him. But I also hoped that the time came to have more and live in a serious relationship. I hoped that he will be the one I will figure out the together thing with. He made the right noises, mentioned future, even kids. The problem was that I listened. And then announced to him that I quit the pill. He was beside himself. Why would I do that? Well, how else do you make babies? Yes, he did mention children, but he meant sometimes in the future, not now. But why not now? I thought about it and realized that the right time will be never. So why not just go for it and figure it out as we go? He didn't end it, but became very careful in bed. I learnt to exist without a pill, went through a stage of absolutely horrible skin, recovered, and figured out what a real menstrual cycle feels like. I liked it and decided not to take the pill again. Then I left the man I loved because I finally, after all these years, understood that men will say whatever to get what they want, but if they really want to do something, they generally tend to do it without talking about it at length.
I could have probably stayed with the lover for a little longer and just exist, but I was over him and over it. And I have met a man who actually wanted to live with his partner and do the everyday stuff that I never figured out how to do. He is now my husband. And the together stuff is great in the beginning, but eventually you catch up and close the circle. And find out that the super sensitive and nice bloke who helps with the dishes and does the heavy lifting and catches the spiders also doesn't really listen to you, also puts his interests first, and also has flaws. But by now, as a woman, I am over it. I accept the way things are and the last solution I would try would be looking for somewhere where the grass is greener. Because it isn't. I wish I was rich enough to afford to live on my own, but I can't, and to be honest, I work hard on this home and want to keep it. And I can do things that I love doing, even if they don't make money, and it means a lot to me, that husbands is fine with a housewife with potentially lucrative hobbies that aren't lucrative. Because he is taken care off and I don't demand much of his time or attention. So everybody wins.
Where do I end? This post took me somewhere completely else than I thought it would. As a woman, I had to learn a lot to navigate the world. And I am still learning. Most of what the older generations passed on to me was useless. I hope I will pass on better things. I won't tell my daughter that certain behaviour or look will deter men. I also won't tell her that she has to be worthy of a man - somehow good enough to deserve him. I will never imply that a marriage and a family are the biggest measures of success. I will however point out the power of independence. And the right to say no to something that doesn't feel right. Even if it makes her unpopular. Because it is not her job to please everyone. I would love to tell her that we are all equal. But we are not.
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