Thursday, 31 January 2013

about discipline

Discipline is a lovely word, isn't it? It is one of the words we start to appreciate when we grow up. It makes us feel and look and act grown up if/because we have got discipline.
I am 32 weeks pregnant now and discipline is high on my agenda. I have a feeling that if I don't become super - disciplined NOW or soon, I will not manage once the baby arrives. I have a vision of myself giving birth, being super - happy and after few hazy days recovering slipping back to my discipline - using all of my spare time (however little of it, I am not naive) to my best advantage.
I am quieting down, there is not much work left for me. I am not in a full time job, thankfully I am able to exist with occasional jobs only as I spent the years when most people build great careers traveling the world and the freedom I got used to plus lack of reputable CV meant I never caught up with the real world. I don't mind, I can have my own plans and projects and divide my time the way I want to. Of course, all of this wouldn't be possible if I didn't have a very supportive husband (thank you my dear). My small projects involve a little bit of PA work or translating and revising other people's works which is always exciting. I sometimes volunteer, too. We are not rich, my husband isn't a high flyer, but the truth is that we don't need that much stuff as we are made to think.
Another thing regarding my lack of work is that I spent over 2 years trying to get pregnant, I had an idea of building up some proper career but I felt pregnant, miscarried in 12 weeks and since then I sort of hoped it would happen at any time. It didn't and we kept trying and I wanted to be prepared and relaxed so why stress about job interviews anyway, right?... I did get pregnant finally after I started considering a job, was updating a very poor CV and searching online. I didn't apply though because we were also moving house which kept me pretty busy and before I could put myself together - whoala - I was pregnant!
So if there is any of you trying to conceive and getting frustrated I have an advice: don't give up but start to get busy with other things, make your mind worry about another things, make plans B and C and I hope you will not need them, or will be able to put them aside for later... But that's not what I wanted to write about.
The theme was discipline. Last week I started fretting about my lack of writing and planed to get back to my productive creative self. How do I do so far? Words planned to day:  9000. Words actually written: 3935. I sat down twice, not every day except Sunday. Oh dear, the fact that I have got more time at the moment as I don't have anything else going on, doesn't mean I am any better. Discipline is still something I hope to establish but I am working very slow at it. Why do I get so slow? I used to be able to fit so much into my day! Now everything takes time, so much time. Are all pregnant people so slow?
Plus I will have to start getting ready, put the things I will need together, take the classes, prepare for birth, pack the bag, fight over names - I will need the discipline even more because nothing is easier than sit online and research/discuss/review/compare baby products and dilemmas.
And why do I have this panic feeling that by end of March my life will end? Whatever won't be done can be done after the baby is here, right? I am not disappearing into thin air, I will still be me. A little lighter even.
Lets stay positive. I have a good life, I am transforming myself into a proper housewife and I am working on my discipline. I am improving. OK, last week was hectic, lets see what can I do in the coming one....

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